That's Good Parenting

5 Proven Ways to Strengthen Your Mother-Daughter Bond with Nellie Harden, EP114

• Dori Durbin • Season 3 • Episode 114

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Are you struggling with communicating effectively with your daughter? Don't feel ashamed . . . many parents do. That's why Nellie Harden, author, speaker, and family life and leadership coach helps positively impact the lives of young women. Nellie shares her personal journey as a "former worth chaser," trauma survivor, and mother of four daughters all of which have led her to develop a unique approach to raising confident and self-assured young women. In this episode, Nellie shares:

  • The unique dynamics of mother-daughter relationships and the importance of understanding how a teen's brain functions differently from an adult's.
  • How to recognize and reduce communication pitfalls and some strategies for pausing and regulating emotions.
  • The importance of building a foundation of worth through five key pillars. 
  • Creating connection with your daughter using one-on-one time and courageous conversations.
  • How to identify your core values and create new, positive patterns

If you're looking for practical advice on improving communication and fostering a strong relationship with your daughter, this conversation is for you.

About Nellie:
Nellie is a wife, mother of 4 daughters, former worth chaser, trauma survivor, and an author and speaker in the space of Family Life & Leadership.
She helps those who impact the lives of young women to strategically build her a unique, God centered, foundation of worth, esteem and confidence so that she will be equipped to thrive and live her purpose in a constantly changing world.
Her career in biology and psychology has spanned from humpbacks to humans, and she has invested decades of her life into personal, family, faith, and leadership development.  She believes the time of overarching child rearing principles is over.  Every young woman is designed for God’s purpose and the foundation that will support her success needs to be just as unique as she is.
When Nellie is not writing and speaking, she loves being outside with her crazy #happyharden crew and adventuring through all life has to offer.

Find Nellie:

About Dori Durbin:
Dori Durbin is a Christian wife, mom, author, illustrator, and a kids' book coach who after experiencing a life-changing illness, quickly switched gears to follow her dream. She creates kids' books to provide a fun and safe passageway for kids and parents to dig deeper and experience empowered lives. Dori also coaches non-fiction authors, professionals, and aspiring authors to "kid-size" their content into informational and engaging kids' books!
Find out more here: https://www.doridurbin.com/

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Intro for TDP (version 2)

[00:00:00] Nellie Harden: You, me, everyone listening to this and every single one of our daughters and sons and husbands, everyone has five pillars of worth and they will look different in her than in anyone else because we're all different people. But what you need to do is figure out how she can be seen and be heard and know she's loved.

[00:00:23] Nellie Harden: And belong and have a purpose. When she comes home from school or she comes home from work or wherever she's coming in, your next interaction you have with her, make eye contact with her and not just assume that she's hearing you or assume that it's her because she's in the room, but actually say her name, kindly. Kindly say her name, she wants to be seen. She needs to be heard. Her ideas her word her opinions need to be heard. It does not mean that you need to follow along with them, but she does absolutely need to be heard.

[00:00:56] Dori Durbin: Welcome to That's Good Parenting, where I search for [00:01:00] simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. I'm your host, children's book author, illustrator, coach, ghostwriter, and podcaster, Dori Durbin. Parents, do you ever stay awake at night rehashing the conversation that your daughter and you had that didn't go the way that you really meant it to go?

[00:01:18] Dori Durbin: And then while you're awake, you can't help but wonder, how can I do this better? What can I do to communicate with my daughter better and why is it that what I'm doing now isn't even working? Today on our show, we have someone who calls herself a former worth chaser, a trauma survivor turned author, speaker, and family life and leadership coach.

[00:01:41] Dori Durbin: She's dedicated to helping parents raise confident, self assured daughters. Who are equipped to thrive. So welcome Nellie Harden. Hi, thank you so much for having me. Thank you for being here. I love that you focus on our daughters. And I think that is such [00:02:00] a unique position to be in because a lot of times we focus just on our kids.

[00:02:04] Dori Durbin: And moms and daughters have this different kind of relationship, wouldn't you say? 

[00:02:08] Nellie Harden: Oh, 100%. It's all different. Mom's daughters, dad's daughters raising sons versus raising daughters. It's all different. 

[00:02:17] Dori Durbin: And I'd love to say that we're the main influencers, but who do you think the main influencers really are for our daughters?

[00:02:25] Nellie Harden: Today, I would say anyone who has the most frequent and loudest microphone is the biggest influencers for our daughters today. And, Whether it be through social, whether it be a person at their school anywhere at their church, anywhere, anyone who has the most frequent and loudest microphone is going to be the biggest influencer.

[00:02:48] Nellie Harden: And I don't want to distract from the fact that parents are huge influencers. In fact, As life goes on, our kids are going to find that we were their greatest [00:03:00] influencers. Parents are their greatest influencers, but they don't realize that right now. Right now it is who they are listening to and, Oh, I'm going to go do this.

[00:03:08] Nellie Harden: And they take it as gold and truth. Whereas when we say something, it is, are you sure? I don't think so. I'm going to go research that, or I'm going to forget about this, or I'm going to sweep it under the rug. And I'm going to go listen to this person online who I don't know, so that is who I would say.

[00:03:23] Nellie Harden: say they're most on the surface and aware anyway that they are listening to right now. 

[00:03:29] Dori Durbin: Yeah, it's interesting because as you say that I think back to being a daughter and think back to conversations my parents had with me that were like legit, like I should have been listening. So is it that we quit listening because we hear their words so often?

[00:03:44] Dori Durbin: Or is it because we want our independence and so we don't take their advice? 

[00:03:49] Nellie Harden: It's both of those, quite honestly, and it all has to do or much of it has to do with the brain development that is going on at the time, too. They are supposed to be leaning into their [00:04:00] own understanding and leaning less into yours, but the way that the world is set up right now is not necessarily in line with where brain development is set up for them in this stage of life.

[00:04:12] Nellie Harden: And In this time, this I call it the training zone of life, right? The 65, 70, that's how many days are in 18 years. It really, especially the second part of that 12 to 18 ish, adolescence really actually goes from eight to 25, if not further based on behavioral, but that's a whole other can of worms to open up.

[00:04:32] Nellie Harden: But my point being that Brain wise, they're supposed to be leaning into their own understanding is that frontal lobe is being developed. But right now, in the way the world is, they really do need a lot of guidance because more distraction, more temptation more hardships are coming at them now during this time.

[00:04:52] Nellie Harden: Quote unquote teenage time than ever has been before, so they need to be guided yet. Their brain is telling them. Don't listen to [00:05:00] them. Go by your own accord. And so it's really it's a confusing and frustrating time for them and parents right now is we're trying to navigate new waters and be there for them as best we can, while also giving them the allowance and space to make their mistakes, but not have too harsh of natural consequences.

[00:05:20] Dori Durbin: So as parents, I'm sure that we do some things right, but we also do probably equally as many things wrong. So when we talk to our daughters, is there like a consistent thing that parents do that maybe isn't? The right way to be doing things. 

[00:05:37] Nellie Harden: First thing that comes to mind is power struggle right there.

[00:05:40] Nellie Harden: And I know I'm guilty of this, especially when it comes to my youngest, I have four daughters who are all between 15 and 19. So we are, in it right now with everything that we do, there is a constant fire happening, not with each one of them, but with one of them at a time. And last night I was up, Dealing with [00:06:00] one crisis with one this morning, I'm dealing with another crisis with another.

[00:06:03] Nellie Harden: And then yesterday morning was another crisis with another. And so it's just this constant for parents, especially if you have multiple kids or you have a kid with multiple challenges that they're facing or consistent challenges that they're facing over and over again. So we get exhausted and we.

[00:06:21] Nellie Harden: Can then just fall into power struggle of when they're asking why or they're coming back and they're trying to assert some independence, maybe not in the most respectful way. And a parent is because I said and I am the parent, you are the child. This is the way it goes. And that is it.

[00:06:37] Nellie Harden: And then that doesn't. Always lead, it hardly ever leads to a good quality conversation and growth, right? It just shuts things down, stalls them and probably takes a couple steps back. And so that would be the default that I think we can fall into is power struggle. So often that really is not so helpful.

[00:06:58] Nellie Harden: In fact, it's harmful. [00:07:00]

[00:07:00] Dori Durbin: So how would a parent recognize that they're stepping into that before they were in it too deep? 

[00:07:05] Nellie Harden: One of the things you can do is just. pause, right? Hit the pau that is okay because we w regulate at the same time to teach them how to emot so if they see it in us,

[00:07:22] Nellie Harden: I am in a situation and I'll just, take my youngest who's 15 at the right now. And if she is starting to, come on or come on done, and then I'm starting to come on done. I can be like, you know what? I need to go take a walk for a couple of minutes or sit on the porch for a couple of minutes.

[00:07:38] Nellie Harden: I just need some time because I don't want to, I don't want to do or say anything that is going to be hurtful. Hurtful to you or not helpful to you. So I'm going to go take a few minutes and then I'm going to come back. And so then when you come back, you're calm. Your frontal lobe is back online because I think something that's really important for us to know is us as adults.

[00:07:59] Nellie Harden: We [00:08:00] have the brain that we have right now. It's hard to remember when our brain didn't work this way. And if you put an adolescent brain and an adult brain next to each other, they can look, even of the same sex, even, both men, both women, they can look so different and function so different that they can almost be called different species.

[00:08:20] Nellie Harden: It's really important not to look at our adolescence as the Shorter adults. They are not their brain does not work the same way that ours does. And we need to take that into consideration and an easy way we can do that and help bring grace and understanding into our world is when you and I are super frustrated in any adult listening to this right now.

[00:08:43] Nellie Harden: Is super frustrated our or angry or very emotional, our frontal lobe, which is where all that rational thinking and, cost benefit analysis, all of that, and which is right under your forehead that goes off line and you relying on your amygdala, which is in the back. [00:09:00] It is your oldest, most primitive brain, and it is your fight flight or freeze brain.

[00:09:05] Nellie Harden: And it is Black and white, all or nothing, and that is how it works for you, which is why you need to go calm down so you can think again. Your adolescent, that is where they work from almost all the time, as their frontal lobe is under construction. And so the way you feel when you're most stressed is how they feel sometimes when they are even calm.

[00:09:29] Nellie Harden: And so understand that and have some more grace for them and how they have to make decisions, think, study interact with people also. And the more we can understand that the better parents we can be as well in guiding and teaching them. 

[00:09:44] Dori Durbin: Wow. That is a huge visual. The brain is under construction.

[00:09:49] Dori Durbin: Yes. Because I think you're right. I think a lot of times we think, okay these are not the kids that they were before we're trying to grow them into these self functioning, confident [00:10:00] adults. 

[00:10:01] Nellie Harden: And 

[00:10:01] Dori Durbin: so in order to do that, we think that we're helping them. But if construction is going on, there's enough orange cones around our area that it's just not functioning normal.

[00:10:09] Dori Durbin: Right? Exactly. Exactly. Oh, go ahead. No, go right ahead. That's it's just it's such a 

[00:10:16] Nellie Harden: good visual for me. And I'm go ahead. It's really important to understand that during this time, we need to be laying the connections down. And so it really is the time during adolescence, the brain is malleable.

[00:10:29] Nellie Harden: It's very formative. These are called the formative years. for a reason, right? And so we are laying the tracks between the if thens, right? If this happens, that happens. There's actually this great video, you could, anyone can google it, and it is of two neurons connecting. And it's, Maybe six seconds long. It is fascinating though to see these two neurons coming together and their dendrites coming off of them and they connect and that is a neural connection that is being made.

[00:10:56] Nellie Harden: That is a, if this happens, I do this, right? [00:11:00] This is a, if I feel this way, this is what I do. Those are those kind of connections that are being laid right now. And When you're teaching, you need to have grace and understanding, but not to step back and say I'm not going to direct you because you have an under construction brain.

[00:11:16] Nellie Harden: It's to step in and say, you have an under construction brain. So let me show you how this goes. And Like you're saying, you have a bunch of orange cones, our town around here. We just went through a massive flood on September 16th and the entire town was shut down for a month as roads were being reconstructed.

[00:11:34] Nellie Harden: And during that time, those orange cones are up. It's under construction and. For us, that doesn't mean that we can ride on it, obviously, but there are workers in there, diligently, 24 7 working in order to make this happen. And so that's something we need to keep in mind, too. There is work being done in there, and you can speak into that work, even if it's not fully ready yet, because it really is [00:12:00] you, the main teacher, main influencer, main guide and trainer during this time, that can lay the best foundation for them.

[00:12:09] Dori Durbin: That's cool. I love that image and I love how you're asking. It sounds like you're asking them to ask questions, what is, what can you do? So you're not telling them the road goes this way. It's more how do you think that we're going to get from point A to point B? So that's really neat.

[00:12:25] Dori Durbin: I guess that would help too, with that desire To fall back into old habits because I think that's something to like, we learn so much from our own families. We learn from the habits that seem to get results. And then we try to apply them to a, like I'm calling them kids, but teens who are changing and growing.

[00:12:46] Dori Durbin: We haven't even considered there's other options. We're just going to the first thing. So that's pausing is probably helpful. Are there other things that would be helpful for parents to change some of the habits that they've been using that aren't going to keep them? working for them? [00:13:00]

[00:13:00] Nellie Harden: I think it is.

[00:13:01] Nellie Harden: It is imperative as a parent to take an inventory of yourself and say, what is it in my core beliefs, my core values that I want my core behaviors, right? That I want to pass on to my kids. And what do I not want to pass on to my kids? And once you make that distinction, because not everything needs to pass on, that is how we can have elbows in these generational.

[00:13:25] Nellie Harden: stories of pain and hurt that have been happening, right? And so you can be the elbow in whatever, chain you're doing good or bad. So let's stick with the good, right? And but you want to move forward and you can say, okay, I don't want to pass this on, for me. In my family growing up and for generations, we have a quick trigger, right?

[00:13:47] Nellie Harden: We have a very quick trigger. And so I can be open and honest and vulnerable with my kids and say, I am getting angry and I get angry very fast. So I want to pause because I don't want to go there. And [00:14:00] I want to back up a little bit, get my brain back online, not be reactive, but actually be intentional.

[00:14:05] Nellie Harden: And this is what I'm going to do, because I don't want you to grow up, thinking that's okay either. And so be the elbow in your story and see what you can do. But our brains have this beautiful thing of pruning that they do as well. And so you think about, I don't know if anyone has dogs in my backyard, my dogs always go on the same route and there is a rut of no grass in that rut that they go in.

[00:14:30] Nellie Harden: Right? And so that is the same way in our brain. The more this connection from here to there is being established over and over again, the deeper that rut is and the easier it is to find. fall in that rut, right? It goes wider, it goes deeper, and it's easier to fall in just by default. And if you intentionally, for long enough, say, nope, I'm not going to go on that route, I'm going to go around and do this other thing, then that Old route starts to [00:15:00] fill in and get shallower and thinner and then eventually it can prune itself too.

[00:15:07] Nellie Harden: So we have so much more choice in our life than we really give ourselves credit for. And that's something you can empower your kids with every single day because their entire life is built off their choices. And so is yours. 

[00:15:21] Dori Durbin: That's such a good. You're so 

[00:15:23] Nellie Harden: good at 

[00:15:23] Dori Durbin: these images. I'm a very visual person.

[00:15:26] Dori Durbin: Can you tell? I'm buying into this really well. So I'm just thinking about the parents who are listening and they're saying, okay, don't have a ton of bad habits. But one of the things I'm struggling with is I just can't even talk like, Kid gets home. My daughter gets home. We say, hi, good, fine.

[00:15:47] Dori Durbin: She's off checking out the latest tick tock video, whatever's going on being influenced. Right. And so where, or how do you start to bridge that gap of wanting to make the positive [00:16:00] changes and wanting to bring back the communicating again? 

[00:16:03] Nellie Harden: Absolutely. So first of all, I call, we have some F words in our house that are not allowed to be said and fine is one of them.

[00:16:12] Nellie Harden: And because that is just a shutdown. How was school? Fine. How are you doing? Fine. Okay. I'm looking for a connection here and I would love to connect with you. And do that. And if they're not, if they're not, they come home from school. They're exhausted. They need some downtime.

[00:16:26] Nellie Harden: That is completely okay. But at some point during the day, have those conversations that are a lot more than just quote unquote fine. But in order to provide, you want connection in order to have communication, you have to have connection. And then in order to have clarity, you have to have communication and connection.

[00:16:47] Nellie Harden: Right? And so it's. in order. There is an order to this process. So the first thing you want to do is provide connection with your daughter. So that could mean you coming up with the story first, Hey, [00:17:00] how are you? I hope you had a great day, fine, or what have you. And then they come in or you come in and say, yeah, I, someone, Today was actually really harsh with me.

[00:17:10] Nellie Harden: So I had a bit of a hard day or this really exciting thing happened for me today. Or I remember coming home from school too, and I was so exhausted. Is there anything I can do for you? And bringing in servanthood, that's a great connection point for teens, right? Is servanthood. But.

[00:17:26] Nellie Harden: Find a place of connection. Some common threads that you guys have together. Maybe go for a walk, right? Nothing even needs to be said on these first couple of times. Just spend some time. I've had a lot of parents with daughters who love those adult coloring books, right? Just sitting down or doing a puzzle together, right?

[00:17:44] Nellie Harden: Just Giving, providing the space and time with some action that you're doing together and something that you both enjoy. Maybe it's building something, whatever that is, but find a connection point and move forward toward communication [00:18:00] from there. 

[00:18:00] Dori Durbin: The 

[00:18:03] Nellie Harden: first thing I thought of was going to Alta for some reason.

[00:18:06] Nellie Harden: That is a great connection point. Yes. You get so educated as a parent when you go there. 

[00:18:13] Dori Durbin: Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think that's really valuable. I love that, that fine is an F word in your house because that was one of our biggest struggles. Especially when they're off doing their own thing 

[00:18:26] Nellie Harden: and 

[00:18:26] Dori Durbin: they're busy.

[00:18:27] Dori Durbin: And so my brain goes, okay, what's going on? Like why am I getting one word answers? inconvenience, timing, whatever it is, it still feels like you said, it's like a block. 

[00:18:38] Nellie Harden: Yeah. 

[00:18:39] Dori Durbin: And so if we're answering back the same way and getting upset about this one word, then that communication just shuts down and nothing's going to happen, right?

[00:18:49] Nellie Harden: Yeah. 

[00:18:49] Dori Durbin: I love that idea. Oh, that's really good. So yeah, I was just 

[00:18:55] Nellie Harden: going to say something I really, really, really recommend is one on one time [00:19:00] with each of your kids. Every week a touch point. And so this There's so many layers to the benefits of this, but this breaks down the hierarchy of parenting that our kids are, first of all, fed from culture, but also that can just naturally come to be as they're, because they're like, I'm trying to, assert my freedom and they're, what they see is holding me back, whereas all we're trying to do is help them, to help teach them healthy boundaries, right?

[00:19:29] Nellie Harden: And so having one on one time each week that they can count on that is on the calendar and it is scheduled and it can be relied on is really important. And so in our home, we do Monday and Thursday nights. So every Monday night, it's two kids. And every Thursday night, it's the other two kids. And my husband and I switch in between who we are doing.

[00:19:51] Nellie Harden: Any one of my daughters knows next Monday, I have, a time with mom or dad, depending on whose week it is. And even for my [00:20:00] college students, we do it over FaceTime for my college student, and then for my ones that are still here, we do it in person, usually in their rooms, laying in their beds in their space, we're just talking and sometimes it's just fun banter.

[00:20:12] Nellie Harden: Sometimes it's, Hey, how are things going? How are your friends? What's going on at school in the sports? Sometimes it's. It's courageous conversations that need to be had that are hard. And sometimes it's some of that creative energy and creative space that we talked about. My youngest, one of her favorite things, we will sit there, we'll talk and everything.

[00:20:32] Nellie Harden: And then she loves to watch funny dog videos on Instagram together, and and I'm fine with that because you know what that does? That fills her algorithm with people. funny dog videos and Instagram and I am a okay with that parent hack one on one right there. And anyway, but having that relied upon time, that is a connection point.

[00:20:53] Nellie Harden: Our kids like, It I will tell you that Monday and Thursday nights are the only time because we have a [00:21:00] TV show that we watch at night is the only time that the TV goes off at nine. It's oh, it's one on one time. The other nights. It's oh, can we wait? I just a couple more minutes. Oh, I wait till the, next break or whatever.

[00:21:11] Nellie Harden: But those nights it's let's do one on one time. They look forward to it too. And we've been doing it for years and you can start it at any time. That's awesome. 

[00:21:20] Dori Durbin: And okay, I have to go back to something you said. What are courageous conversations? 

[00:21:25] Nellie Harden: Oh, courageous conversations are the hard ones, right?

[00:21:28] Nellie Harden: The uncomfortable ones that you need to have where they aren't going to like what you have to say, or you're not going to like what they have to say, right? But you need to set yourself up for success with those. And they don't always just happen in that one on one time, right? Because you want that to be a safe, good space.

[00:21:46] Nellie Harden: So I do not recommend that every week is a courageous conversation. But that is when you show up. And you are calm, first of all, because of all the things we talked about earlier with our frontal lobes and under construction and [00:22:00] emotional offline. And so show up. You need to be calm. You need to be curious and ask a bunch of questions, right at so many times.

[00:22:08] Nellie Harden: Our kids will. actually answer their own dilemmas, their own situations or issues by you asking questions about it. Why do you think they did that? Why do you think you made that choice? And they're like I don't know. Let's go back because every action actually has a whole trail behind it.

[00:22:26] Nellie Harden: It comes from thought, then to feeling, then to decision, then to action. So whatever action they did and the outside world only knows the outside of you and same with your kids and same, as them toward us. You can dive backwards a little bit, say, okay what was the decision that you were making here and why did you decide to make that decision, right?

[00:22:49] Nellie Harden: What are you feeling that led to that decision? What were your thoughts that led to those feelings, right? And this is the work I do and we dive into stop points, choice points between all of [00:23:00] those as well, which we don't have time to get into today, but you can have those conversations. So be curious.

[00:23:05] Nellie Harden: So calm and then curious. And then you want to connect with them on some level about something that they're interested in. Experiencing as far as an emotion, experiencing as far as a situation connect with them just by caring for them, right? But you can connect with them in there.

[00:23:21] Nellie Harden: And then there's cultivating. So there's five C's is calm, curious, right? Connect, cultivate. You want to think about that's the tennis match of conversation. It goes here. And then it goes there and that goes here and no one can hold the ball too long because then the other person, starts to walk off the court.

[00:23:37] Nellie Harden: So you need to send it back and have this cult cultivating conversation. And the last part there is clarity and of a courageous conversation, because if you leave. A courageous conversation when those hard conversations and there's not any clarity at the end. You are doomed to repeat it tomorrow or next Tuesday and no one wants to keep having these.

[00:23:59] Nellie Harden: They're [00:24:00] uncomfortable, and they can be upsetting. So you want to provide clarity. So what are the action steps going forward for you? What are the action steps going forward to me for me? What does this mean? How are we going to work forward? So that is a courageous conversation in a very short nutshell.

[00:24:17] Dori Durbin: I'm glad I asked.

[00:24:20] Dori Durbin: I really am. I think that's really neat. I think like you said, having the next kind of like the action step afterwards, what are we going to do with this? What, how is this going to change things now? Very interesting. I love that. 

[00:24:32] Nellie Harden: Yeah. 

[00:24:32] Dori Durbin: So I'm going to ask you a really hard question because I know you have so many valuable nuggets of information.

[00:24:39] Dori Durbin: So let's say I'm a parent and I'm listening and I'm like my daughter and I are doing pretty good, but. Yeah. We could be so much better and I want to grow her into a relationship with me that can continue on in adulthood, right? So what are three to five things that, that I could do as soon as I get done listening to this podcast that could [00:25:00] help foster that relationship later down the road?

[00:25:02] Nellie Harden: First of all, it's going to take vulnerability on your part in order to let her know that's your intention. Let her know your heart so that she sees through, whatever you're doing in order to lead in that intention, right? She doesn't see it as you're trying to strip her of freedoms.

[00:25:20] Nellie Harden: You're trying to do this, right? You're working against her. You're actually working for her all the time. Before I get into these three to five things yesterday, I saw this. Perfect. Montage and anyone who has seen Jerry Maguire in that scene where he he is, I forget even the character's names.

[00:25:37] Nellie Harden: It's been so long, but Jerry Maguire is telling his client. He's do you know how hard it is to be fighting for you every day? It's so hard. And I was like, it says at the top, like every mom of a teenager. And I was like, Oh yes. Like I am for you and it is sacrificing everything and it was just so funny to see that, but okay, so [00:26:00] 3 to 5 things that you can walk away with right now are honestly her pillars of self worth.

[00:26:07] Nellie Harden: You, me, everyone listening to this and every single one of our daughters and sons and husbands, everyone has five pillars of worth and they will look different in her than in anyone else because we're all different people. But what you need to do is figure out how she can be seen and be heard and know she's loved.

[00:26:31] Nellie Harden: And belong and have a purpose, okay? When she comes home from school or she comes home from work or wherever she's coming in, your next interaction you have with her, make eye contact with her, okay? Make eye contact, say her name. Her brain lights up in a different way when you actually say her name, okay?

[00:26:49] Nellie Harden: And not just assume that she's hearing you or assume that it's her because she's in the room, but actually say her name, kindly. Kindly say her name. And yeah, so you, she wants to be [00:27:00] seen. She needs to be heard. Her ideas her word her opinions need to be heard. It does not mean that you need to follow along with them, but she does absolutely need to be heard.

[00:27:13] Nellie Harden: And I was in a courageous conversation not too long ago with one of my daughters and she kept saying, you're not listening to me. And I said, I am right here absolutely listening to you and I'm responding to what you have to say, but what are you defining as listening to you? And for her, she was defining listening to her as abiding by her wishes, which that is not what listening to somebody means.

[00:27:42] Nellie Harden: And especially for a 17 year old, and Anyway, in that, so there can be some confusion. Ask her what she is defining as that. Ask her, how will you best feel heard in this house, right? And with me and our relationship, because I want you to know that [00:28:00] your words, your ideas, your opinions, they matter.

[00:28:03] Nellie Harden: And so I want to make sure that you know that how can I best let you know that. Okay. And then she needs to know that she's loved. She needs to know that you're a safe place to come and that no matter what you're going to be there, she needs to know she belongs. And honestly, one of the greatest place or greatest things to do with that and make sure she belongs is to give her responsibility where she is.

[00:28:28] Nellie Harden: If she has something she is in charge of and that relies on her, the household, you, the family is relying on her in order to do this. We need you to do this. It really fosters a sense of belonging there. And so I'm not saying give her every chore in the book, but I am saying lean into some responsibility for her.

[00:28:51] Nellie Harden: And so she can Okay. And then with purpose, you just want to have something going forward. So if you have multiple [00:29:00] children a great thing to do is is help them with their roles. If you go up to one of the older ones and say, you know what. I was talking to your little sister earlier today, and she really needs help, but I know you can really help her in this area more than I ever could.

[00:29:14] Nellie Harden: Do you think that you could go and talk with her later on tonight, and she can learn from you and the wisdom that you have because you've been through this season recently, right? Just fostering it and giving them that space. To be a leader and a self discipline leader in their home, their community and schools, etc.

[00:29:33] Nellie Harden: So those are the five things I would lean into. Again, that's seen, heard, loved, belong, and purpose. Lean into those and you will find immediate results. 

[00:29:42] Dori Durbin: That's awesome. Man, you've given us some great stuff. All right. Nellie, tell us where they can find out more information about you, what you do, what you offer, how they connect with you the easiest.

[00:29:55] Nellie Harden: Yeah, absolutely. My website, that is the easiest place to find it [00:30:00] all. And you can go there. You can sign up to meet me in your inbox every Friday. I would love that. And I publish new articles each week and then there's downloads, there's books, there's masterclasses, there's all sorts of things on there.

[00:30:13] Nellie Harden: So that's at NellieHardin. com. 

[00:30:16] Dori Durbin: Awesome. Nellie, thank you so much for your time today. I am hoping that moms with daughters listened and were able to just take even pieces of this and then go back and listen again for more. Thank you so much for having 

[00:30:31] Nellie Harden: me. 

[00:30:32] Dori Durbin: Thank you, Nellie.


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Dori Durbin

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