That's Good Parenting
Hello and welcome to "That's Good Parenting". The podcast that searches for simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. Sometimes those days of feeling like a "good parent" can feel few and far between.
And like you, I personally have struggled with parenting frustration, exhaustion, and even guilt. But I also know that there are solutions out there that we could put to use today.
My name is Dori Durbin.
It's my mission to search with you to find simple steps and tools to create confident and resilient kids-- without losing ourselves in the process.
You may be wondering who I am. I'm a former teacher, coach and fitness instructor turned children's book author and illustrator, as well as a book and parenting abundance coach.
More importantly, I'm a Christian wife and mom of two amazing young adults who, have quite uniquely put me through the parenting ringer myself. I've been fortunate enough to have interviewed hundreds of experts, parents and authors who have all created parenting tools that have your family's best interest at heart.
So let's stick together to find fast and effective solutions that fit our particular parenting problems. So that we can end war of our days cheering out: Now "That's Good Parenting!"
That's Good Parenting
How You Can Support Anxious Teens: Practical Strategies for Overcoming Anxiety with Monica Crnogorac EP113
Are you struggling to understand your anxious teen? Understanding teens is tricky anyway but when is nervousness actually anxiety and when is anxiety something parents should be concerned about? Thank goodness Monica Crnogorac, a Certified Life & Wellness Coach, is on the show to help! She specializes in helping teens and young adults manage anxiety and overwhelm. Drawing from her personal experience with anxiety and a strong educational background, Monica equips teens with practical tools to navigate stress, build confidence, and make empowered decisions.
In this episode, Monica shares:
- The complexities of teen anxiety
- The impact of social media, academics, and relationships
- The role of "people-pleasing"
- How to encourage teens to trust their intuition
- Practical tips for parents
- The importance of modeling healthy behavior
- How to help teens navigate heartbreak
Monica also shares insights from her podcast, "Parenting Anxious Teens," which helps parents understand the signs and symptoms of non-clinical anxiety and strategies to support teens. If you're looking for practical strategies to better support your anxious teen, this conversation is for you!
About Monica:
Monica is a Certified Life & Wellness Coach who helps teens and young adults manage anxiety and overwhelm that disrupt their daily lives. Drawing from her personal experience with anxiety and a strong educational background, she equips teens with practical tools to navigate stress, build confidence, and make empowered decisions. Monica also hosts the Parenting Anxious Teens podcast, where she connects with parents and shares strategies to better support their teens. She is dedicated to fostering lasting, positive change in young people's lives and is deeply passionate about helping them thrive.
Follow Monica:
Email: monica@consciouscoach.biz
https://www.consciouscoach.biz
https://www.instragram.com/__consciouscoach
Podcast: Parenting Anxious Teens:
https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/parenting-anxious-teens-parenting-teens-managing-teen/id1757142421
Book Recommendations for Teens & Parents:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vE1vCdi-0O_7qStp3K3tDieSxZWWUaLMK1LCPh-NjTQ/edit?usp=sharing
About Dori Durbin:
Dori Durbin is a Christian wife, mom, author, illustrator, and a kids' book coach who after experiencing a life-changing illness, quickly switched gears to follow her dream. She creates kids' books to provide a fun and safe passageway for kids and parents to dig deeper and experience empowered lives. Dori also coaches non-fiction authors, professionals, and aspiring authors to "kid-size" their content into informational and engaging kids' books!
Find out more here: https://www.doridurbin.com/
Follow Dori
https://www.instagram.com/dori_durbin
https://www.facebook.com/doridurbin7.com
https://www.doridurbin.com
Let's Chat: https://link.dreambuildercrm.com/widg
Intro for TDP (version 2)
[00:00:00] Monica Crnogorac: I would say because anxiety also leads to overthinking and overanalyzing, like you say, I like to push the trust your intuition, quiet the mind, use certain things to really get into your feelings and feel what feels right for you.
[00:00:15] Monica Crnogorac: At the end of the day, the thing is, anxiety is really wired genetically. So that's also a big thing. If parents show their kids that they're anxious or they have anxiety in their genes. Your teen is likely more likely to adopt it
[00:00:31] Dori Durbin: In today's episode, we're diving into the complex world of parenting teens with anxiety.
[00:00:40] Dori Durbin: Today's guest is a teen coach who works closely with both parents and teens, helping them navigate these challenges together. If you as a parent have ever felt overwhelmed, unsure, or just plain stuck when it comes to how to manage your teen anxiety and their relationships this conversation [00:01:00] is for you. Welcome to the show, Monica Sinnegritz, .
[00:01:03] Monica Crnogorac: Thank you. It's so nice to be here. And I'm really excited for our conversation today,
[00:01:08] Dori Durbin: Monica.
[00:01:09] Dori Durbin: I am too. And I just, as a parent who survived the teen years and still sees teen years beyond the teen years, I think, anxiety and teenagers is a huge topic right now. When it comes down to figuring out exactly what affects our teens anxiety the most, and I'm thinking like academics, personal relationships, social media, which seems to keep popping up in your current consulting and relationships with your clients?
[00:01:40] Monica Crnogorac: I think it always depends on how old the teen is. And where they're at in their developmental phase. For example, if you're dealing with someone who's in grade 11 or grade 12, who's starting to think about college, university, post education, you definitely have anxieties about that and the uncertainty of what am I going to do [00:02:00] with the rest of my life or the pressures and all of that that brings up that anxiety.
[00:02:04] Monica Crnogorac: So academics would be one. And then the next one that is most prevalent, I would say, is their personal relationships. So relationships are very pivotal when they're teens, but especially if they're dealing with a first heartbreak. So teaching them how to navigate that because often they're very overwhelmed.
[00:02:21] Monica Crnogorac: And it's the first time that all these emotions and these feelings are coming up. And They're really unsure of how to move forward. So those two tend to be the most consistent across the board.
[00:02:33] Dori Durbin: Interesting. I think as a parent too it's hard to know exactly what's affecting your teen and why they're acting the way they're acting at different times.
[00:02:41] Dori Durbin: And so I think about that. I think about how as a parent, would you know that it was anxiety? Versus, let's say, just teenage grumpiness, as people like to put, wrap everything up into that.
[00:02:54] Monica Crnogorac: That's a good question, because anxiety is a really big range, and then you also have anxiety on a [00:03:00] non clinical level, which is more what I deal with.
[00:03:02] Monica Crnogorac: So the daily kind of stressors that don't reach those clinical levels. But then you have that range where it's a bit more severe and more persistent. So what I always like to tell parents is it is totally natural for teens to experience these emotions and they tend to be most common when there's something upcoming.
[00:03:22] Monica Crnogorac: So let's, it's, it could be very situational. So let's say if it's like the exam period. And they're getting really nervous about how they're performing, it's for you as a parent to notice. Okay. There's a reason as to why this anxiety is being provoked. Does it go away after they're done their exams?
[00:03:43] Monica Crnogorac: If. Anxiety tends to be more consistent, even past that, that situation that we're talking about, then it might be something that's a little bit deeper that we need to look into. Because again, anxiety is not something that's going to be eliminated. It's just how do [00:04:00] we teach them to manage it? And how do we teach them to manage it in a healthy way?
[00:04:04] Monica Crnogorac: And the reason why it tends to often be overlooked is because it can manifest in many different ways. And a lot of it could be like the physical symptoms could be overlooked. So the stomach aches, the restlessness, the frequent headaches could all be missed as it's just like that time of month, or it's just like the weather outside and the pressure there's so many things, but again, I like to say if it's consistent throughout the board, if it's happening beyond a certain situation, and if there's certain patterns that you're seeing, in combination with those physical symptoms, let's say, then maybe it's time to take that next step and start having that conversation.
[00:04:44] Dori Durbin: Yeah, it's interesting because I think, like you said, there's so many factors that it's hard as a parent to know what is showing up. And I think about just even like you mentioned relationships earlier just even friendships. Sometimes I see, there [00:05:00] can be Quiet battles going on that you don't even know about, and the teen may be retracting and not wanting to be as social.
[00:05:09] Dori Durbin: So again, it's how do you ascertain whether it's like they're in a fight or it's just really they're feeling anxiety about something going on. They don't want to be around anybody.
[00:05:20] Monica Crnogorac: Totally agree, and a lot of it comes with what you were saying, like the pressures of social media, the pressure to fit in, to have a certain friend group.
[00:05:28] Monica Crnogorac: Appearance for girls is really big. I find that typically the statistics are 1 in 5 adolescents experience anxiety. The reason why this work is so important is because over half of those don't receive the support they need. And it goes to what you had said, it often becomes internalized, which is another reason why parents miss these signs is because they think, okay, if they have anxiety, then they're going to have a panic attack.
[00:05:54] Monica Crnogorac: Then they're going to show on their sleeve that they're anxious or that they, that they're overwhelmed, [00:06:00] but. In reality, especially if you're dealing with teens who have high functioning anxiety, that's where it becomes more difficult, because on the outside, they look very polished, very organized, they have this ambition, this drive, but on the inside, they don't know that drive is caused by fear, like fear of failure.
[00:06:20] Monica Crnogorac: They don't know that their internal self talk is really running the show and it's framed very negatively, which is getting them to always keep themselves busy and look like they have everything in order. But in reality, it's like they're at war with their minds.
[00:06:37] Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. You've got me curious. I didn't plan on asking you this, but are a lot of teams who have high anxiety actually people pleasers?
[00:06:46] Monica Crnogorac: Yeah, absolutely. And a lot of them will think that they're like, they have type A personalities where there's a very fine difference between the 2. and the biggest 1 is what's really motivating their behaviors. [00:07:00] Is it that fear of failure or is it the fact that because if you have a type A personality, you're more or less performing and you're performing, but you're not necessarily tied to an outcome.
[00:07:12] Monica Crnogorac: Whereas, let's say, with high functioning anxiety, if you perform a certain way, and you don't get the outcome, then a lot of it has to, you get feelings of like inadequacy, self doubt, self worth, all that gets affected. So they look similar. But they have these little distinctions between the two, and people pleasing is a big one because you're wanting to say yes to things that you actually want to say no to.
[00:07:40] Monica Crnogorac: So often when I speak to teens, and that's what they're expressing to me, or we're talking about that, I always say, Is the decision that you're making, is it going to elevate your energy? Or is it going to bring you down? And if the answer is it's going to elevate me, it's going to bring me energy, it's going to [00:08:00] make me feel good, it's something that I want to do, then your answer is yes.
[00:08:04] Monica Crnogorac: But if you feel like I'm actually doing it because I feel bad for saying no, or I really don't want to do this because I'm tired and I just have a lot on my plate, then, use that question to really discern your own truth and to avoid that people pleasing.
[00:08:20] Dori Durbin: Okay, you've got me curious again. So I love what you just said.
[00:08:25] Dori Durbin: And I, the first thing I thought of was, so are you asking them to go with their gut more than think through the results? And I don't mean this in any judgmental way, because I think when you're a people pleaser or you're a type A, you're really analyzing how things are going to play out and it's hard to make decisions and you feel pulled between things.
[00:08:47] Dori Durbin: So what would your advice be? Would it be go with your gut or would it be like think through what is bringing you the energy? Like how does that work for kids?
[00:08:55] Monica Crnogorac: I would say because anxiety also leads to overthinking and [00:09:00] overanalyzing, like you say, I like to push the trust your intuition, quiet the mind, use certain things to really get into your feelings and feel what feels right for you.
[00:09:11] Monica Crnogorac: I think there definitely is a balance because there needs to be a way to honor both. At the end of the day, the thing is, anxiety is really wired genetically. So that's also a big thing. If parents show their kids that they're anxious or they have anxiety in their genes. Your teen is likely more likely to adopt it, but the mind is always in that fight or flight.
[00:09:33] Monica Crnogorac: It's your amygdala, it's being fired, right? And it's thinking that there's a threat. Your mind does not know the difference between whether your teen is anxious about writing their exam or whether they're anxious because they're running away from a bear, which is where that intuition comes in because and we're also teens need to learn how to reassure themselves in their process to bring those fear levels down to say, okay, I'm [00:10:00] feeling this way.
[00:10:00] Monica Crnogorac: I'm thinking these things, but I'm safe. My mind is trying to protect me and that is okay. That is normal. And once you quiet your mind and you reassure your mind, then you can really bring out what feels good, that intuitive, that gut feeling. So to answer your question, I favor more of the intuition side and then that side than the analytical mind.
[00:10:23] Dori Durbin: No, that's okay. So the reason I was going that direction too is because like when you think about teens with relationships, you Going back to that concept, especially in dating, sometimes we get like that first sense that maybe something isn't right, but we want it to work out. We want things to go well.
[00:10:40] Dori Durbin: We don't, and there's there are all these justifications that are easy to put into place. And sometimes I think, your gut reaction is what you need to go with, but we don't trust that very much. So then that puts us in the spot of being hyper, having that anxiety, having the fears, all of those things.
[00:10:57] Dori Durbin: Is that what you see too?
[00:10:59] Monica Crnogorac: Yeah, and [00:11:00] if you don't trust your gut, then it's going to be harder for you to tune into. And that goes with anyone, right? Because you're reinforcing the mind and you're, the mind is working in overdrive. You need to practice that and learn how to integrate that into your lifestyle.
[00:11:15] Monica Crnogorac: And that takes time in order to be able to, again, discern the difference between both and lean into one more than the other. Now, again, the mind still serves its purpose. It's still very important. It's just in what situation and context.
[00:11:33] Dori Durbin: Okay. Let me ask you this before I go to the relationship thing.
[00:11:36] Dori Durbin: How do you practice that? How do you get better at trusting your gut?
[00:11:40] Monica Crnogorac: I think that comes with age, honestly, because when I look back to being a teen, you don't have the same awareness. You don't have the same understanding. And as you experience things as you grow, you tend to just Learn, [00:12:00] but I also think if you're a teen or a parent who is really into the whole awareness, the self help, all that kind of shebang, you start to read more self help books, you start to favor more of that growth mindset, you, as a parent, ask yourself, you ask your teen questions to elicit that growth mindset versus a lot of the times when we're tapped into our mind, it's very victim based.
[00:12:24] Monica Crnogorac: Why me? Why is this happening? Why isn't this working out? Versus asking yourself questions or your parents asking teens questions like, what steps can you take to overcome this? How have you dealt with this successfully in the past before? So once you're favoring more of that growth mindset, it builds.
[00:12:42] Monica Crnogorac: It's like the stepping stones. And then that foundation grows and you become more interested in it. And then it just it's a domino effect. From there. That and I think that again, you read a book, you get an insight. You can read the same book multiple times, and the second time, the third time you [00:13:00] read it through, you're still pulling out information that you might have missed the first time you read it.
[00:13:05] Dori Durbin: Yeah, that's so true. I think we're in a society that just reads it through and gets what you want and don't go back and you don't practice it. You don't really own the information in yourself, in your being, right?
[00:13:17] Monica Crnogorac: Yeah, that's why book clubs are great.
[00:13:19] Dori Durbin: Yeah. You might have to recommend some books by the end of this for us.
[00:13:23] Monica Crnogorac: Yeah. Absolutely.
[00:13:26] Dori Durbin: So as far as relationships go, going back to the anxiety piece. I think one of the things that you mentioned in the beginning was heartbreak and I think for teenage girls, especially, I think they tend to stay in states of high anxiety and relationships that aren't working because they don't want to go through the heartbreak situation.
[00:13:47] Dori Durbin: So as. As, basically where you're at with your clients, what do you see is really common for teens to be struggling with relationships? And then I'll ask you as far as like parenting pieces after [00:14:00] that.
[00:14:00] Monica Crnogorac: Yeah, if they're dealing with the heartbreak, a lot of it comes to light that self talk, where again, it's framed very negatively of, let's say, for example, they dealt with the relationship that they didn't want to end.
[00:14:12] Monica Crnogorac: And internalizing these beliefs that aren't really true. And then all of a sudden they're solidifying these beliefs and they're growing stronger and stronger, which is then reinforcing and bringing out those feelings of anxiety even more. So that's one thing is teaching them the awareness of you are not your thoughts and your thoughts are not your reality.
[00:14:32] Monica Crnogorac: And you actually, even though you don't have control of what thoughts come in, you have control of how you respond to them versus how you react to them. Another thing that's big is that when, let's say, a teen girl, because like you said, it's more common for them, really wants a relationship and can't get one.
[00:14:51] Monica Crnogorac: And for some reason, it's just, putting herself out there and trying to like, have fun with it, but not have that pressure. Then it's a lot of like, Why [00:15:00] me? What am I doing that's wrong? Am I not good enough? And so it still comes back to that common denominator of the internal self talk. So that's one of the biggest things that I help them with, is being able to, and I read it from The Untethered Soul.
[00:15:15] Monica Crnogorac: It's by Michael A. Singer, so it's one of those self help, self awareness books, but he encourages you to become a backseat driver. So it just gets you to pull away and creates a separation between you and your thoughts just to see them as separate from themselves or another tool that I teach them is when that anxiety spikes, almost characterize it again to create that non attachment.
[00:15:41] Monica Crnogorac: So sometimes I like when my anxiety comes in, I like to call her sassy Sally. So it's just a fun way just to loosen up a little bit, because again no matter how much awareness you have, no matter even me as a coach, I still experience those moments where I get anxious. It's just that you build the awareness to recognize this is [00:16:00] what's coming in.
[00:16:01] Monica Crnogorac: And these are the things that I can do in order to respond to it in a healthy way. And oftentimes, sometimes parents think, okay, anxiety is just a phase. And although it can be realistically, or it's going to be something that. Stays with them throughout because it's a natural way our brains responding to stress.
[00:16:21] Monica Crnogorac: And so it's just the importance of it is if we don't recognize it now and we don't teach them, then it's going to get more layered. It's going to overwhelm them until it reaches the breaking point and it increases the chances of them doing things that are unhealthy in order to deal with it.
[00:16:41] Dori Durbin: Makes sense.
[00:16:42] Dori Durbin: Wow. You think about it. I don't know how other people were when they broke up with boyfriends or were broken up with, but you, my reaction was to just withdraw and be frustrated and upset. And you have all those thoughts going on in your head that you're not sharing with the parents and the parents are like, why are they so grumpy?
[00:16:58] Dori Durbin: Again, that [00:17:00] whole, characterizing the teenage years. So as a parent coming into it. Knowing that your team may, let's say you know that they broke up, that couple broke up. How do I help my team without being totally in the way and overbearing or rushing them through the process of what they need to do themselves?
[00:17:19] Monica Crnogorac: Yeah, that's a good question. I think first and foremost, it's more likely for parents to get resistance. Then it is for their team to fully open up. So know that there is nothing you're doing wrong. It's just the phase that they're in. And like you said, they might want to share it more with their friends than they might want to share with you.
[00:17:39] Monica Crnogorac: But at the same time, as a parent, you still want to feel like you're doing something. Because. Parents feel like they're so helpless, right? They want to help. They always want to help. And so I like to suggest for them to just have questions or conversations with them and feel the situation. If you notice that your teen is being really resistant in that [00:18:00] moment, maybe it's not the time to have a conversation.
[00:18:03] Monica Crnogorac: Don't push for it. Or if you're trying to have a conversation and you're being met with that, ask your teen when is a good time to chat. That way you're respecting their time, you're respecting their boundaries without over, overbearing. The next one is validating their feelings. So saying something like, I see that you're really upset, is this something that you want to talk about?
[00:18:26] Monica Crnogorac: Versus kind of dismissing to say, it's not a big deal, you'll get over this. It's like just natural, like it's you want to find a way to validate them and to give them the space so that they feel more. Grown are more likely to chat with you versus if you're dismissing them by saying it's not a big deal.
[00:18:44] Monica Crnogorac: They're going to be more likely to internalize that
[00:18:48] Dori Durbin: I appreciate that because I think we are. We want to help. We want to move the needle and push them into the next, phase of their lives. And I find too that sometimes it's hard the other direction [00:19:00] to where you're, You see them healing, and they jump into another relationship right away because, whatever, whether it's like, because they're afraid to be alone, whether it's they just feel like they need somebody there to talk to, I'm not sure.
[00:19:13] Dori Durbin: I guess my other question was the opposite, is like, how do you know when your teen is ready to go back into a relationship after they've had a heartbreak?
[00:19:22] Monica Crnogorac: That's a really good question. Got my wheels turning too. I think the teen knows when they're ready. And even if the teen jumps into a second relationship and you think that they're not ready, for whatever reason, I believe that second relationship is still serving them in one way or the other.
[00:19:38] Monica Crnogorac: Whether it leads to another heartbreak that they have to learn the lesson a harder time. That's what they're choosing, and that's where it's so hard for parents to watch their teen do something that they think they're not ready for. But again, as a parent, it's trusting that whatever is meant for your teen, they will never escape them, even if it's something that [00:20:00] you're not ready for.
[00:20:00] Monica Crnogorac: The biggest fan of so in those moments, you could still have the conversations and try to build their awareness around it. But sometimes they have to go through it in order to see it because we all know that if you don't learn the lesson from your 1st relationship, let's say, and let's say it was the codependency piece and you jump right into the next 1, then it's going to get worse.
[00:20:22] Monica Crnogorac: It's not going to go away. But that's what they're choosing. That's how they're, I like, this is where my awareness piece comes in, but that's how their soul is choosing to learn. That's what I like to say. And a lot of it too is when you're having these conversations and they do start to open up to you and you're like, Oh my God, they're opening up to me.
[00:20:41] Monica Crnogorac: This is great is, say, tell me more. Every single time they say something and they finish, tell me more. Because oftentimes you're pulling more out. Usually you don't say everything at once. And it might reach a point where they're like, I've told you everything. And that's great too.
[00:20:58] Monica Crnogorac: And whenever you're having those [00:21:00] conversations, don't assume that you understand. Go in with the assumption that you actually have no idea, even if you think you do. But go in it with a curious mindset and try not to always relay or to say, I remember when I felt this way. Just give them the space to just express how they're, how this situation is feeling for them.
[00:21:24] Monica Crnogorac: They might then ask you is there something similar that you've dealt with before and then that would encourage that conversation. There was one more point, but I'm losing it. So those would be the biggest things I would say is going with the assumption that you're not understanding, but you don't understand and know that it's more common for them to resist than not to.
[00:21:45] Dori Durbin: I think, and it might just be my generation, I remember my parents always telling me an example. Okay, this happened to me, so there was like some normalcy to it, but you're right. It didn't allow me to share my experience and my perspective [00:22:00] on what I was feeling which was probably different than what they'd experienced and To be honest, like our generation is seeing things a lot different than they are now, you know There's so many different Pieces to their relationships.
[00:22:14] Dori Durbin: So that's really interesting. One other thing that you brought up in my mind was when parents are being talked to. I will admit this, like having that like desire to fix things, you start to say that wasn't really the best relationship for you anyway, because, maybe their personality really wasn't, blah, blah, blah, whatever it is.
[00:22:34] Dori Durbin: And you inadvertently. Put down the person that they were so infatuated with. So talk to me a little bit about that too, because I'm sure there's a better way to do it. And obviously I did not do that. So you probably have a better way.
[00:22:49] Monica Crnogorac: The question that's popping up for me is instead of sharing what you had just shared, maybe asking them, what did you learn from this relationship?
[00:22:57] Monica Crnogorac: What worked? I didn't [00:23:00] work, and even and not only about their partner, but about themselves. What did you learn about yourself in this relationship? What did it teach you for future relationships? So that way, you're still asking them those open ended questions without bringing in your personal opinion on it.
[00:23:15] Monica Crnogorac: Now. Again, it might come time to they might ask you, hey, how do you feel about them? And that might develop over time. But really, I would encourage questions that probe their reflection, their self reflection, because and the reason why these are so important is because usually for teens, this is the first time or the first period that they're really being asked these questions.
[00:23:38] Monica Crnogorac: And so sometimes even when I ask them, I get a response of, Oh, I don't know. And so it's really tuning in and starting to reflect in order for them to be more comfortable in sharing. But I would definitely turn it back to them. And then what I remember what I was going to share with you earlier is when they're expressing themselves to [00:24:00] you and they've shared whatever's on their mind before you, you Respond, ask them, what do you need from me right now?
[00:24:08] Monica Crnogorac: Do you need me to help? Or do you need me to listen? Because then you're ensuring you're giving them what they need. Even if that means that they need help, then your mom gloves are on you're in the ring, right? But sometimes it's gonna be, I just need a sounding board. I just need to vent and get this off my chest.
[00:24:26] Monica Crnogorac: And that in and of itself and you holding the space is great and I'm thankful for. I
[00:24:32] Dori Durbin: love that. Yeah, just stepping back and asking instead of assuming that you've got the answers and can fix it.
[00:24:38] Monica Crnogorac: Yes, totally.
[00:24:40] Dori Durbin: I'm not judging anyone because I totally, like I said, I've been there. Okay, our time is flying by.
[00:24:47] Dori Durbin: I do want to ask you if there were, three to five things, three would be great that parents as they're listening to our conversation, they're like, man, I do see my team is anxious. I do see some of this as [00:25:00] being involved in the relationships. What can I do about it? Or how can I support my team?
[00:25:05] Dori Durbin: What would you suggest they do?
[00:25:08] Monica Crnogorac: For sure. There's a few on my mind. So especially if you're trying to build those conversations and you're really trying to hone in on that, You could even try to set up weekly family check ins. Where this could even be, and this is a way just to normalize having those conversations so it doesn't feel like we're, like, interviewing the teen.
[00:25:27] Monica Crnogorac: Where over a family dinner, maybe everyone goes around the circle, around the table, and says, What's something that went well this week? Or, what's something, I want everyone to share one thing that was really hard. Because, again, it encourages that vulnerability without the pressure of the spotlight being on them, and it gives parents the chance to open up and express about themselves, too, right?
[00:25:51] Monica Crnogorac: Because if we all know it, if you've had a conversation with someone and someone decides that they feel comfortable enough to open up to you, [00:26:00] you become more comfortable to open up with them, and it normalizes it to help the teen feel like, okay, this is normal. Everyone experiences challenges. In a different way and I'm not the only one.
[00:26:15] Monica Crnogorac: So that's definitely 1 strategy is using it as a weekly family check in where everyone can share. The 2nd, 1 again goes to what I mentioned earlier. So practice really that active listening. Try no interruptions, no phones. Sometimes you can pull conversations from teens on a car ride. Or like on a walk.
[00:26:36] Monica Crnogorac: The fresh chair tends to, work wonders in terms of just feeling okay and open. And then when you're, when they're sharing it with you, it's practicing that validation. So using phrases like, your feelings are valid and I'm here to help you. Or like I mentioned earlier, I can see that this is upsetting you.
[00:26:54] Monica Crnogorac: Let's talk about it. So those are two tips. And if I were to focus on one more, [00:27:00] it would be for parents in and of themselves to model that healthy behavior. This is huge, because at the end of the day, your teens look up to you, you're one of their biggest, if not the biggest, role model. If they see that when you're upset, you're dealing with things in an unhealthy way,
[00:27:20] Monica Crnogorac: They are going to be more likely to do the same. So I like to give the example of catastrophizing, let's say, a parent is freaking out and they're saying things like, if I don't finish this properly, I'm going to lose my job or, we're running late. And this is a disaster.
[00:27:34] Monica Crnogorac: This is really sharing or send the message to your team that minor challenges. Create a lot of stress, and if they observe this behavior, they might internalize it and start to approach their challenges the same way, which amplifies that fear where they might even overreact to those small mistakes where, in comparison, let's say, for example, you're sitting in traffic and you're [00:28:00] getting really frustrated.
[00:28:02] Monica Crnogorac: The parent is then responding and saying, Okay, this is really frustrating, but it's outside my control. Let's find a really good playlist to put on or, let me take a couple deep breaths to get my frustration out or, we're stuck for a little bit, but that gives us some more time to chat that comparison between the two.
[00:28:22] Monica Crnogorac: On the other hand. Your teen is seeing, okay, frustrations are normal. They're going to happen, but there's healthy ways to process it, and it's okay for that frustration to get in, to come in. So you're teaching them how to actually reframe that situation into something that can be used positively. Same thing with the heartbreaks, right?
[00:28:41] Monica Crnogorac: They're, um, they're leaving, they're feeling all these ways and you're asking them, what did you learn about yourself, about the relationship, about what you like, what you don't like, you're still taking a really frustrating situation and trying to pull out the positives in it while still [00:29:00] honoring those feelings that are coming in.
[00:29:04] Monica Crnogorac: So a long winded question, a long winded answer.
[00:29:07] Dori Durbin: Parenting is complex and there's no perfect way. So I think those are great suggestions. You have more suggestions on your website, don't you? Do you want to tell them about that?
[00:29:17] Monica Crnogorac: I do, yeah. So I have this if you subscribe to my email list, there's a free resource for parents and teens.
[00:29:23] Monica Crnogorac: It gives parents a chance to have these certain questions to start the conversation. It gives them statements. To of examples of how to validate and to practice that active listening just to give them an idea of what that might sound like and if they want to connect with me more and learn more about who I am and what I do.
[00:29:44] Monica Crnogorac: I also have a podcast that is like my prized possession. It is called parenting. Anxious. Teens where even though I work with teens, I speak to parents just to build their awareness around what nonclinical anxiety might look like, what those signs and symptoms might [00:30:00] be, and also strategies to overcome it or that you can implement within the family home.
[00:30:06] Dori Durbin: Awesome man. That's a great resource for parents. That's fantastic, Monica. That's so first of all, thank you, because I think you gave so many insights into not only what teens are thinking, but where parents are coming from and how that can actually work out instead of being constant clashes. Also just, I think that parents need to know that they're not alone, that teen anxiety is high, that it is something that is reframeable.
[00:30:33] Dori Durbin: And that they can grow up into healthy adults too. Despite of it, right?
[00:30:38] Monica Crnogorac: For sure, I've dealt with teens that have said, oh my god, this makes so much more sense to what I'm experiencing. And they're simple tweaks, and again this emphasizes the importance of starting while they're young, because if you wait until you're older, then there's way more work to be, to be unraveled in comparison than if we're getting to the root of it.
[00:30:58] Monica Crnogorac: In the moment, and I [00:31:00] think the biggest thing for teens when they do this work is they realize how simple some of those strategies might be to reframe and to change. And you're right. No, 1's alone in any of this, not teens, not parents, and it's having these conversations that normalize it. And that raised their awareness which I'm very grateful for.
[00:31:19] Monica Crnogorac: So I also wanted to say thank you for giving me the opportunity to chat with you about this today.
[00:31:24] Dori Durbin: Oh, thank you for being here. This is fabulous. And I hope people will reach out and connect with you.
[00:31:29] Monica Crnogorac: I
[00:31:29] Dori Durbin: hope so. I can't wait. Thank you, Monica.
[00:31:33] Monica Crnogorac: No problem. My pleasure.
