That's Good Parenting
Hello and welcome to "That's Good Parenting". The podcast that searches for simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. Sometimes those days of feeling like a "good parent" can feel few and far between.
And like you, I personally have struggled with parenting frustration, exhaustion, and even guilt. But I also know that there are solutions out there that we could put to use today.
My name is Dori Durbin.
It's my mission to search with you to find simple steps and tools to create confident and resilient kids-- without losing ourselves in the process.
You may be wondering who I am. I'm a former teacher, coach and fitness instructor turned children's book author and illustrator, as well as a book and parenting abundance coach.
More importantly, I'm a Christian wife and mom of two amazing young adults who, have quite uniquely put me through the parenting ringer myself. I've been fortunate enough to have interviewed hundreds of experts, parents and authors who have all created parenting tools that have your family's best interest at heart.
So let's stick together to find fast and effective solutions that fit our particular parenting problems. So that we can end war of our days cheering out: Now "That's Good Parenting!"
That's Good Parenting
How You Can Still Thrive While Parenting Solo with Dr. Gila, Ep 110
Are you raising children "solo" and feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders? Join Dori Durbin on the "That's Good Parenting" podcast as she welcomes Dr. Gila, a Jai-certified parent coach, certified Clini-Coach®️, psychologist, neuropsychologist, and owner of Dr. Gila Parenting. Dr. Gila joins Dori to discuss the unique challenges and blessings of single parenting. Drawing on her professional expertise and personal experience raising a "strong-willed" child, Dr. Gila offers practical tools and insights to support single parents on their journey.
Dr. Gila talks about:
- Unique Pressures of Single Parenting
- Discovering the Unspoken Blessings
- Recognizing and Reframing Limiting Beliefs
- The "Lie" that Changed Everything
- From Mess to Mastery
- Building a Support System and Prioritizing Self-Care
- Understanding Your Child's Emotional Needs
Tune in to discover practical strategies for navigating the emotional rollercoaster of single parenting and creating a home filled with love, connection, and growth!
More About Dr. Gila:
Dr. Gila is a Jai-certified parent coach and certified Clini-Coach®. She’s also a psychologist and neuropsychologist in New York State, and, most importantly, she’s a single mom.
Dr. Gila specializes in single parenting with connection, not perfection. She is passionate about helping single parents build strong, healthy relationships with their kids AND themselves. Her motto is: Even if you're on your own, you don't have to do it alone!
Dr. Gila's Gifts for You:
PDF GUIDE: Tantrums, & Meltdowns, & Rages...Oh My! The single parent's guide to understanding challenging behaviors https://www.drgilaparenting.com/SP_tantrum_signup
AUDIO: Guided Meditation for Single Parents https://www.drgilaparenting.com/SP_meditation
VIDEO: What Every Parent Needs to Know When the S**T Hits the Fan. https://www.drgilaparenting.com/3truths://www.connectionbasedparenting.com/truthsb
Find Dr. Gila:
https://www.drgilaparenting.com
https://www.instagram.com/drgila_parenting
https://www.facebook.com/drgilaparenting/
https://www.facebook.com/drgilaCBP/
Email: hello@drgilaparenting.com
More about Dori Durbin:
Dori Durbin is a Christian wife, mom, author, illustrator, and a kids' book coach who after experiencing a life-changing illness, quickly switched gears to follow her dream. She creates kids' books to provide a fun and safe passageway for kids and parents to dig deeper and experience empowered lives. Dori also coaches non-fiction authors, professionals, and aspiring authors to "kid-size" their content into informational and engaging kids' books! Find out more here:
https://www.doridurbin.com/
Follow Dori:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dori_durbin
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/doridurbin7.com
- Book a chat: https://link.dreambuildercrm.com/widget/bookings/mydori15chat
Intro for TDP (version 2)
[00:00:00] Dori Durbin: Welcome to That's Good Parenting, the podcast where I search for simple steps to reduce parenting stress and help you enjoy your parenting years just a little bit more.
[00:00:10] Dori Durbin: I'm your host, children's book author, illustrator, publisher, and ghostwriter, Dori Durbin. I'm dedicated to helping your families communicate, connect, and grow. Today, I'm thrilled to introduce Dr. Gila, a J certified parent coach, certified clinic coach, psychologist, neuropsychologist, and She's also the owner of Dr. Gila Parenting. She has a virtual therapy practice in New York State. But most importantly, she's a single mom who knows firsthand the beautifully bumpy journey of raising a strong willed child. So
[00:00:42] Dori Durbin: Dr. Gila has a passion to help parents, especially single parents, build strong, healthy relationships with their kids and believes even if you're alone, you're not truly parenting alone and don't have to. Welcome Dr. Gila.
[00:00:56] Dr. Gila: Thank you so much. Yeah. I like to say, even if you're on your [00:01:00] own, you don't have to do it alone.
[00:01:03] Dori Durbin: It's even better. And I think your story is really interesting because you basically pivoted your career because of your own parenting experience. Could you share a little bit about that with us?
[00:01:15] Dr. Gila: Yeah, sure. So what I always like to say, because I hope it's a validating thing to hear is that, so I started out as a clinical psychologist and a clinical neuropsychologist.
[00:01:26] Dr. Gila: And even with all of that, my fancy degrees and training and all that stuff, it was still challenging. It has, it continues to still be challenging. To single parent and especially to single parent, a kid who some might call strong willed. And so I took a deep dive into figuring out how to support him the way that he needs and really deserves and how to support myself in the process.
[00:01:52] Dr. Gila: And in doing that, I really became passionate about helping other parents. do the same. And I've increasingly been [00:02:00] focusing on supporting single parents because I think that it is an often overlooked sort of specialty experience, right? So a lot of the parenting stuff out there, there's some beautiful parenting resources out there.
[00:02:14] Dr. Gila: So much good, juicy parenting support, which is fantastic. But what I've found is that a lot of it assumes that you have a partner. And so even though like maybe 80 percent of it applies across the board, no matter what your relationship status or home life looks like, then there will be these little sort of landmines I like to think of them as that suddenly there's like a zinger that maybe might trigger feelings of fear and guilt around your single parenting situation or maybe doesn't apply to your single parenting situation.
[00:02:49] Dr. Gila: And also I like to point out it's not all doom and gloom on the single parenting front. There are some, beautiful blessings about being a single parent and that isn't. spoken [00:03:00] about in the more general parenting space. I've become more passionate about creating spaces that are supportive, specifically tailored for single parents.
[00:03:09] Dr. Gila: And so that's, yeah, that's my passion.
[00:03:13] Dori Durbin: I never thought about that before, because you're like the last word as a single parent. And you're also like the only one to make the decision like it puts you in like this in between of you have to decide you really might not want to, but yeah.
[00:03:27] Dr. Gila: Yeah. Yeah. And I want to say, I do like to make the disclaimer that single parent is a very like heterogeneous group right so there's lots of different paths to single parenting and then even. Within those paths, there's a lot of variability in what your experience looks like. So I know some partnered parents who really feel very much alone.
[00:03:49] Dr. Gila: And I can say when I was partnered, I think I sometimes felt more alone than when I actually am a single parent, right? It can be very isolating to [00:04:00] have someone physically in theory there, but not actively really there. So I know a lot of. Partnered parents who say, I'm partnered, but I really feel like a single parent.
[00:04:12] Dr. Gila: And then there are single parents who have beautiful support networks, right? Who aren't doing it completely on their own. So I do want to say that we're talking in generalities here. But and then the other piece is that there are some single parents who have an active partner, a co parent in the picture, even if they're not In a relationship right in a partnered relationship, they're still co parenting together.
[00:04:36] Dr. Gila: And then there's some who don't have a co parent in the picture at all. And there's everything in between. So it's very variable. But it's true. One of the things that I think is. That I think is an empowering it can feel heavy but also empowering thing about single parenting is that in your home even if you have a co parent, even if the kids are in another home part of the [00:05:00] time in your home, and in your relationship with your children, you are in the driver's seat.
[00:05:06] Dr. Gila: And that sometimes feels like a lot. It feels like a big responsibility. And I'm going to be honest, it is a big responsibility. And it's also really empowering because it means that you get to choose the kind of relationship model that you want, the kind of relationship that you want. You get to choose those that you want.
[00:05:26] Dr. Gila: boundaries and limitations. You get to choose the processes. So again, it's, with privilege comes responsibility. With the heaviness comes the empowerment, I think.
[00:05:38] Dori Durbin: Yeah, so with such a diverse group of people who are single parenting. Yeah. What are some of the commonalities that they share that they come to you and need help with?
[00:05:49] Dori Durbin: Is one of them?
[00:05:52] Dr. Gila: Yeah. So I think that again, nothing applies across the board to every single person really, I think. For pretty much [00:06:00] anything, right? But I think there are a lot of very common things that that many, if not most single parents experience. And one is most people didn't like daydream about being a single parent when they were a teenager, when they were like, that 10 year old playing, playing dress up.
[00:06:19] Dr. Gila: You didn't this isn't what you envisioned for your life. And so there, yeah. Is a bit of a sort of like an emotional process that first of all, if you are transitioning to single parenting, let's say you're getting divorced or you're, you've become widowed, God forbid, right? Something like that.
[00:06:37] Dr. Gila: There's that transition period. But even once you're used to it, so to speak, there can be these like moments again, these like zingers As I call them that that bring up those feelings of, this isn't what I expected for my life. This isn't maybe what I wanted for my life that, that self pity might come up, the envy, the jealousy, [00:07:00] the, those it's almost like a grief process and grief is complicated and grief doesn't.
[00:07:06] Dr. Gila: And at a certain point, you don't check it off the list you have it comes in there's little sort of bursts sometimes that can catch you off guard or not catch you off guard. And so I think that is something that, that is a relative commonality for single parents. And then hand in hand with that is in terms of the emotional piece is also a lot of fears and worries both about right now, right?
[00:07:33] Dr. Gila: So The very logic logistical things, right? There's an emergency, God forbid what do I do if I'm the only one around? And also the bigger picture ones, right? How is this affecting and going to affect long term my children? How is it affecting my life? So all of these kind of worries and fears.
[00:07:51] Dr. Gila: So I think a lot of that comes up pretty often. But as you said, communication, definitely. I think communication. So I always [00:08:00] say the two most important skills, I think, for any relationship and certainly for parenting. are self regulation, emotion regulation, and communication, right? And so definitely those are both like big ones that come up.
[00:08:17] Dr. Gila: And then of course, if you have a co parent in the picture, then we also have some communication stuff to talk about in terms of communicating with your co parent. Yeah.
[00:08:27] Dori Durbin: Yeah. Let's talk about the self regulation because that's really interesting. So when you're working with single parents or in that kind of situation, what are some maybe pitfalls they face in general? And then what are some suggestions you might have for them?
[00:08:43] Dr. Gila: Yeah. I think one of the hardest things about being a single parent or parenting on your own, I will say, cause again, some partnered parents.
[00:08:50] Dr. Gila: Are often on their own is not having someone to tag in, right? So there's a really tough situation. You feel yourself getting [00:09:00] stressed and you can't tap out just for five minutes to collect yourself. And that is very legitimately. It's not something that I have a magic wand for. This is one of the hard things.
[00:09:13] Dr. Gila: Things about doing it on your own. Not only can you not tap out in that moment, but then you can't even necessarily tap out, like to recover later. So I think that's really challenging. I have an analogy that I like to use in my own family and with my clients as well, that the idea is that we all have this internal sink.
[00:09:34] Dr. Gila: It's a metaphorical sink, not a real sink. And when the sink is really full, just a few more drops of water, make it overflow. And that. Overflow is the dysregulation, and then when the sink is emptier, the exact same drops of water that in that first scenario made it overflow, you can handle those same drops of water and you can even handle more right.
[00:09:56] Dr. Gila: And so really, ultimately, the goal [00:10:00] with emotion regulation is to work on our sink. Health and our sink maintenance. And that means not just like going for a massage once a month, although that's great if you can do that, but it's more of the day to day, those more processes that we have in place the day to day systems that we have in place that keep the drain open and healthy because water is always going to flow into that sink, right?
[00:10:24] Dr. Gila: We can't prevent water from flowing in. We can sometimes lower the pressure from the faucet. But we can never prevent water from coming in. And so we need to work on how do we take care of ourselves so that we have tools in place to keep the sink from getting really full. And then I want to say, even like the most, the best master of self regulation, their sink is going to overflow sometimes.
[00:10:50] Dr. Gila: And so it's also about having the tools and strategies of when your sink overflows, how do you clean up the mess? How do you [00:11:00] stop the overflow and how do you recover and repair from it? I'll give you like one example of something that I see as a tool for keeping that drain open. And it relates to something you asked about before it connects self regulation and communication.
[00:11:15] Dr. Gila: And that is self talk. So how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves. It can really affect how our overall sync health is doing. And that's a place where, again, it's not like you have to schedule the massage and pay 60 bucks or whatever. At this point, it's probably 100 bucks to get the massage, right?
[00:11:41] Dr. Gila: This is something that you can work on today. And I'm not going to say it's easy necessarily. There's a lot of like really deeply ingrained ways that we talk to ourselves that are really hard to shift, but if we can start to shift those, it can really help keep your sink in a sort of [00:12:00] more open and receptive place, if that makes sense.
[00:12:04] Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. So can you give us an example because you've got my brain reeling into how that might sound.
[00:12:10] Dr. Gila: Yeah, sure. I think that there's a lot of things that we think of in terms of communication with other people that we are better with other people than with ourselves. For example, name calling of saying thing when you're in the land of always and never, it's usually a flag that there's.
[00:12:29] Dr. Gila: Something going on in your thinking that is black and white, right? So there's a lot of what we call what I call thinking traps or like tricky thinking. And so black and white thinking is a big one. Things are all good or all bad, right? Or we spiral and future cast. If this is happening in this moment, then this is going to have that.
[00:12:49] Dr. Gila: And before we know it, we're like 20 years down and no one is doing well, right? Everything's. The child is terribly wrong, right? And we all do it. And I say we, because I do it [00:13:00] too. This is, these are things that our brains do to protect ourselves, right? That we protect ourselves. So those are just a few examples, limiting beliefs.
[00:13:10] Dr. Gila: Most of us have. When we dig down, right? So I say when something is bothering you to ask yourself why and then to keep asking why until you get to like the juicy center and the juicy center is usually some sort of fear or limiting belief. So I'm not good enough or I'm too much. Those are very common limiting beliefs.
[00:13:36] Dr. Gila: So learning to identify your own limiting beliefs, and then when they come up, you can see them, recognize them, know that they're there to protect you and move through
[00:13:49] Dori Durbin: them. Interesting. So if you're a parent that's saying I'm overwhelmed, I can't handle this. I'm not the parent that this child needs, those kinds of things.
[00:13:59] Dori Durbin: How would you back [00:14:00] them down from that?
[00:14:01] Dr. Gila: Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I know. And those just break my heart to hear. And I know that they are so common. And I do think this takes work. And so the first step, the very first step, it doesn't sound sexy, but the very first step Is learning to be aware of and recognize them because if we don't even know what it is, then we can't start to shift it.
[00:14:28] Dr. Gila: And so the first one is to note it, right? To say, aha, there's that belief again, right? Hello, belief. It's the hello skill, the hello tool, right? Hi, I see you. Yep. Welcome back. Welcome back. And to acknowledge it and to It's like when our kids have a really big feeling, right? We don't necessarily need to fix it.
[00:14:51] Dr. Gila: We need to hold space for it. Let it have voice. I think one thing that a lot of parents in general, and certainly [00:15:00] single parents do humans, really humans do, is we try to push down Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The prickly feelings, I like to call them prickly feelings aren't good or bad, but the prickly feelings, the hard ones and I think that if, have you, if you've ever sat on a pool noodle, like one of those, like big foam noodles, and you're sitting on it and it stays under the water. And then something like. Pushes you a little off center and the pool noodle comes exploding out of the water, right? So that's what happens with these feelings when we push them down and we don't give ourselves permission to feel them. So when you notice the feelings or the beliefs coming up to not push them down and say no, I know I'm not right.
[00:15:44] Dr. Gila: That's very dismissive and invalidating, but to give yourself permission and space to explore them. And that actually brings me to, you had asked some single parent like tools, one that I think, so I think journaling is such a beautiful [00:16:00] tool, right? Certainly being able to process and think through and explore what you're thinking, how you're feeling, where it's coming from is really helpful.
[00:16:08] Dr. Gila: And of course, if you can do that with a supportive friend or a therapist or a coach or whatever it may be. Wonderful. But for single parents, often like you might have something come up and you don't have someone easily accessible that you can talk to. And I like to invite parents to be that listener for themselves.
[00:16:30] Dr. Gila: And one way to do that is journaling and you can do journaling in lots of different ways. And one that I think can be really powerful is audio journaling. So you don't even need like a journaling app or anything, even just like your voice notes. memo, whatever app on your phone. So vent but do it and record it.
[00:16:51] Dr. Gila: And I know this sounds strange. Cause it's Gila, aren't you just talking to yourself? Can't you just talk to yourself? But there's something about [00:17:00] recording it. And It's like it's landing somewhere. You're putting it somewhere. It's being received. Even if it's being received by you, it's still, it's being heard.
[00:17:12] Dr. Gila: It's being received. There is space for it. And so that's one of the tools that, that I find really helpful personally. And that my clients do too.
[00:17:21] Dori Durbin: Okay, this is a silly question, but so if you record yourself and you hear that. Do you keep it? Do you keep it as a record? Do you go back to it later and say, Oh, this, I don't feel this anymore.
[00:17:32] Dori Durbin: Or do you just
[00:17:33] Dr. Gila: Yeah. So I think that's a personal preference personally. So I'm also a big fan. I know some people really like the physical act of writing in a journal. I am not one of them. I, my brain thinks faster electronically. I also will lose my journal and I want to have my journal with me wherever I am.
[00:17:53] Dr. Gila: So if I'm in the parking lot of the grocery store and I need to get some stuff off, I [00:18:00] want to be able to do that. And I like journaling apps. I personally use one called day one. There's a whole bunch of journaling apps out there. Some are free, some are paid, but I love that you can now have it wherever you are and it syncs across devices and my journaling app, you can save audio files.
[00:18:20] Dr. Gila: In it. So I will save them into a journal entry personally. Now, someone else might not want to, and that's okay. There's no right or wrong, right? There's no how to do it correctly. This is finding what feels good and supportive to you. So getting to know yourself and what do you need and what supports you.
[00:18:42] Dori Durbin: I had this strange thought of it might be worth keeping because who knows down the road where that could lead like it. Yeah. I know people who keep they actually write newsletters and they keep the newsletters and then they're hoping to compile it one day into a book because there's so much advice and growth through the [00:19:00] newsletters.
[00:19:00] Dori Durbin: I can imagine that would be the same thing, help somebody else with your experience that you've had. Absolutely. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Okay, so I heard somewhere in your words, that even you are not perfect in your parenting. I'm not perfect. I'm not either. Just so the record is straight.
[00:19:23] Dori Durbin: That's why they, because they're just a few days where we feel like this is really great parenting. So I know that there's some sort of story though, and I'd really love for you to share that.
[00:19:33] Dr. Gila: Yeah, actually it ties into some of what we were talking about. Yeah, so I was thinking of, I have plenty of examples of imperfect times and I want to say, something that I say in pretty much every interview I do is that perfection is not the goal.
[00:19:48] Dr. Gila: And that there's two reasons. One, of course, is that it's not realistic, right? Good luck being perfect, whatever that even means. I don't even know what that looks like. But even if [00:20:00] it was possible, it Imperfection is it to a degree, right? We're talking degrees here. Imperfection to a degree is a beautiful modeling opportunity for our kids, because if we were by some magical stroke of whatever, perfect, then we would be setting this unrealistic model and expectation for our kids.
[00:20:24] Dr. Gila: And so to be able to model that we also make mistakes. And to model what you do when you make a mistake, right? So how do you recover? And how do you can reconnect? How do you repair? What do you do after that is beautiful. And so this story actually relates to that. This is not too far.
[00:20:44] Dr. Gila: It's a pretty recent story. It was from the summer. I'll paint the setting for you, set the setting for you. My son had been having some resistance to going to camp at various points this summer. And quite honestly, it was exhausting. It was tough. And on this [00:21:00] particular morning, we had stayed at my parents house.
[00:21:03] Dr. Gila: They live about a half hour away and both of my brothers were there as well. So family is around. Okay. So we've set the stage. He has camp in the morning. And I have a doctor's appointment that morning that I really feel a little bit stressed about. I want to make sure that I get to and of course he starts resisting going to camp.
[00:21:26] Dr. Gila: I tried every tool and strategy in my tool belt and nothing was working. And I will add that my family, I love them dearly. And we have, we don't always, we aren't always aligned in terms of parenting approaches. And I feel like there is often messaging that is more around like that, that I, that, You know the answer is I just need to make him go and when you have a strong willed child, you know that when you do that, it often [00:22:00] actually makes it worse, right?
[00:22:01] Dr. Gila: It doesn't work usually unless it Is unless it comes with an anesthetic, unless you physically move them it's not always going to solve the problem. So I was feeling stressed about my doctor's appointment and getting him to camp. I was feeling the sort of. Self consciousness and judgment, whether it was happening or not.
[00:22:24] Dr. Gila: It may not have been happening, but I was projecting judgment and criticism and evaluation from various family members. And so all of that led to ultimately what I ended up doing was I ended up lying to him. Now, one of my personal rules in parenting is I do not lie to him. That's one of my.
[00:22:48] Dr. Gila: I'm not, my non negotiables, right? And I'm not judging you if you lie, right? I know that there are times and places to lie. I know that it serves a purpose. This was not even a white lie that he would never find out that I had [00:23:00] lied. This was, I ultimately told him, I will pick you up. He wanted me to pick him up after the first thing at camp.
[00:23:07] Dr. Gila: I initially said, I can't, I'm not going to be done with my doctor's appointment. It doesn't work, right? Ultimately, I get him out the door. I said, fine, I will pick you up after that first thing, knowing it was not true. And to me, this felt like monumental. And we got in the car and he, and we started driving and I immediately said, I lied to you and I never lied to you.
[00:23:42] Dr. Gila: And I am so sorry that I lied to you. And here's what was going on. I really need to go to this appointment. And I felt at a loss. Nothing was working and I really, the reality is I need to go to this appointment and I lied to you to get you out the door and I'm so sorry. [00:24:00] And, this incident reminded me of four things.
[00:24:03] Dr. Gila: So one. Is that we are all imperfect as we just talked about the second is that, he I inside felt that this was huge. I was like, I was spiraling. We talked about what our brains do, right? I was spiraling and future casting and I was saying he's never going to trust me again. This is going to be a rupture in our relationship that we're never going to recover from, right?
[00:24:26] Dr. Gila: I was, it was huge in my head and I expected him to really get angry and yell at me and he could have it's, that's a possible reality. But he didn't. And he he listened and he said, okay. And, I did pick him up early from camp, not When I had said that I would, when I lied, because that wasn't possible.
[00:24:50] Dr. Gila: And we reconnected and I really felt like you know what, this isn't the huge rupture and repair that I feared rupture [00:25:00] that I feared. And one of the things that really reminded me of invalidated is that, this relationship is not a fragile. China doll is that I don't even know if that's a like a porcelain doll.
[00:25:14] Dr. Gila: It's not a fragile porcelain doll. And part of why that's true is something that I talk about with clients, which is the relationship bank. So the idea is that There will be times when we need to withdraw from the relationship bank, right? When we need to make our kids do something that they don't want to do or stop them from doing something that they want to do.
[00:25:39] Dr. Gila: Maybe they run out into the street, right? And we're going to grab them. If a car is coming, we're not going to think about how that's going to affect our relationship. We're going to get them out of the way of that car. Yeah. And it might affect the relationship. There might be that little rupture of the relationship.
[00:25:53] Dr. Gila: You are withdrawing from the relationship bank. And so what's important is that [00:26:00] as much as we can, that we are investing into the relationship bank. At other times, so we are connecting with them. We are respecting them. We are being authentic with them. And so I have invested a lot into this relationship bank and it was so reassuring to see that there was enough invested that we could make it through this withdrawal, and then two other things that it reminded me of one is that when I parent based on other people's values and expectations, I always feel crappy. So that morning I was parenting with the filter of how do I think the other people in this space think I should be handling this. I was not really grounded in my [00:27:00] own values and my own vision, and I didn't act in ways that were really grounded in my own values and vision.
[00:27:06] Dr. Gila: And I always regret it every single time. And then the fourth thing is something that we just talked about. So after I dropped him off from camp and I parked in the parking lot for my doctor's appointment It was actually, I was late to the appointment. So after the appointment, I get in the car and I tried reaching out to a few friends and no one was available.
[00:27:27] Dr. Gila: And so I audio journaled. And I cried my eyes out and I processed it all and I felt so much better afterwards and I had not just emotional, like emotional cleansing, but I had more clarity around here is what I'm talking about. Went amiss this morning and what, here's what I feel good about. Here's what I really don't feel good about.
[00:27:55] Dr. Gila: Here's what I want to do differently. And so that's another like overarching theme [00:28:00] is that we tell our kids all the time, mistakes are how we learn. And we often forget that as parents, it also applies to us. Every time I make a mistake with my kid, especially a big mistake, I become a better parent because I process it.
[00:28:15] Dr. Gila: And it teaches me what I want to do differently in the future.
[00:28:21] Dori Durbin: So many things right now going through my head. But I feel like, when you take that opportunity to tell your kids that you made Whether it's a verbal mistake, an action mistake it could even be a decision, like I think I'm making the best decision for both of us right now. Those pieces there, you have to make some choice, like there's some action that has to happen, but when you go back and you either apologize or explain or just make that reconnect with them, it's so rich, isn't it?
[00:28:53] Dori Durbin: It's like
[00:28:53] Dr. Gila: deep. It is. It is. It is. And, it really does make the [00:29:00] connection stronger, right? So we can take these ruptures and use them to build strength in the system.
[00:29:07] Dori Durbin: Yeah. I was always so afraid to be so honest with them. For a long time, I was always afraid they're not going to see me as an authority.
[00:29:14] Dori Durbin: They're probably going to second guess me all the time. They're going to think I'm wishy washy because I changed my mind on something I said earlier, all of those things that Yeah. Somehow seem justified and expected as a parent, but in reality, you're showing them that you're just a human who also happens to be a parent who is responsible for them.
[00:29:33] Dori Durbin: Yeah. But in the same vein, you are just a human. That's really what you're teaching them.
[00:29:39] Dr. Gila: Yeah. We have , yeah. We have all these expectations for our kids that we don't give ourselves permission to do right. So we expect them to, first of all, be flexible, right.
[00:29:51] Dr. Gila: During power struggles, they don't want to do them something. They do want to do something. We feel like we need to stand firm in our ground as the parent and wait [00:30:00] for them to bend. And we don't think it's okay for us. To show flexibility in any way in those moments. And we think that we need to be perfect.
[00:30:10] Dr. Gila: We think that we can't show weakness. We can't show right. That humanness, like you just said, when really this is not about us being some God on a pedestal, some infallible creature, this is about us being real and human and showing them how to human. And how to adult because they're going to become adults.
[00:30:35] Dr. Gila: And we want them to be adults who can acknowledge and own their mistakes and learn from their mistakes. And to do that, we need to model for them what that looks like.
[00:30:47] Dori Durbin: A little side funny note. I remember riding with my son the first time like he's my oldest the first time that he had ever ridden with somebody who was younger than me learning how to drive all those things, the fears that go through your head is apparent.
[00:30:58] Dori Durbin: And he was, I [00:31:00] kept slamming my foot on the ground, trying to stop the car. And he's mom stop. And then finally, when we came to a stop sign, I looked at him. I said, look, this is the first time I've ever done this in my life. Cut me a break. And he looked at me and he's but it's my first time.
[00:31:13] Dori Durbin: Like both of ours, I've never had a ride with you before. You've never had me ride. Like this, so yeah, laughed because we're like, Oh yeah, that's probably true.
[00:31:22] Dr. Gila: I love that. Yeah. And it's true about each stage, right? Like we often think about this is the first time our kid is going to sleep over or doing whatever it is.
[00:31:33] Dr. Gila: And it's also our first time parenting this child through this new experience. And yes, absolutely have grace with yourself. That is one of the biggest messages. Yeah.
[00:31:47] Dori Durbin: Yeah. So if somebody's listening right now and they're feeling like stress is getting them, it's just so much. And I know journaling is something that is coming to my mind right away.
[00:31:59] Dori Durbin: Yeah. [00:32:00] What would be like maybe one or two other things that, that they could do? Cause they can't just tap out necessarily. What can they do?
[00:32:07] Dr. Gila: Yeah. So one of the things that I think is really important I think that stress is like the great magnifier and single parenting is a form of stress.
[00:32:17] Dr. Gila: And so everything that I'm saying, if you have stress in other ways this also applies, but I think that In our culture, in our society, we have so many things that we do automatically. We don't even think about it and we do it because we think that's just how you do it, and it's the expectation, It's what other people think is important.
[00:32:42] Dr. Gila: And so one of the things that I think is really helpful when you're feeling overwhelmed, you're feeling burnt out, you're feeling stressed is to give yourself permission to prioritize based on your needs and values. And that means [00:33:00] saying no to some things that feel like you should quote unquote, if you're listening on the podcast, I'm making air quotes, that you should do or that even you quote unquote need to do. So often we have, again, this is self talk, right? When you hear yourself saying should and need to, that's another flag, another cue to pause and say do I really need to? What happens if I don't? And so I think that we often over commit over schedule, and not just over but miss schedule or miss commit.
[00:33:39] Dr. Gila: So we're doing things because it's what other people want or expect from us and not necessarily what we want or need or our kids. And this is another piece of it is I would say. really getting to know and getting attuned to what your children need to keep their sinks [00:34:00] more empty and healthy, right? Learning, my child does so much better If we don't leave the house for at least one day of the weekend, right?
[00:34:10] Dr. Gila: So can I prioritize that or my child does so much better if he runs around outside for at least an hour a day, let me prioritize that. So really looking at what your specific family needs and prioritizing that above those external expectations. And they're not just external. I feel like we really internalize them, right?
[00:34:32] Dr. Gila: So it's. It's a little hard to separate sometimes, but really having a look at, what do we need? Because you can do all the things that other people expect you and then things are, everyone's sink is overflowing and bubbling over and those other people that expected you to do it, they're not there to clean up the mess from everyone's sink overflowing, right?
[00:34:52] Dr. Gila: That's you. So it's your responsibility and also your Ability, right? [00:35:00] Like your freedom to prioritize what you need and what your children
[00:35:07] Dori Durbin: need. Love that. Absolutely love that. It's such good advice. Where can they find you and get in contact with you easily?
[00:35:15] Dr. Gila: Yeah, sure. I'm at Dr. Gila parenting.
[00:35:18] Dr. Gila: com. I am on Facebook and Instagram, but for my own sort of self care, I'm actually not on there that much. So the best way to do it, grab one of my free resources. I have several of them, including a meditation for single parents. And I also have a PDF guide, a principle guide that's called the single parents guide to understand it.
[00:35:39] Dr. Gila: Challenging behaviors. And it helps you understand what is filling up your kids sinks. And so go ahead and grab that guide from my website. Dr. Gila parenting dot com. It'll get you on my email list. And that's the best way to keep up with all the programs that I'm offering. I have group programs, workshops and lots of stuff.
[00:35:58] Dr. Gila: And my email list always gets [00:36:00] first dibs and good discounts. So it's
[00:36:03] Dori Durbin: Awesome. Awesome. I personally have learned a lot today and I know if they sign up and connect with you, they're going to learn a whole lot more. So for that.
[00:36:12] Dr. Gila: Thank you. Thank you for having me. And thank you for making space for this topic.
[00:36:16] Dr. Gila: I feel like again, it's not always covered. And so I really appreciate you making space for the topic and for having And thank you.
[00:36:25] Dori Durbin: Absolutely. Thank you.
