How You Can Use Video Games to Build Stronger Family Bonds, with Velma Gentzsch EP108

Are you worried about video games causing conflict with your kids?  In this episode, "How You Can Use Video Games to Build Stronger Family Bonds, with Velma Gentzsch," parenting coach Velma Gentzsch joins host Dori Durbin. They discuss how you can transform video games from a source of frustration into an opportunity for connection. Velma shares her personal experience of overcoming her own lack of gaming experience to discover the world of gaming alongside her son. Listen to hear practical tips for setting healthy boundaries, choosing age-appropriate games, and even joining your kids in the fun! 

Listen to find out about:

• Velma’s journey from a non-gamer to a passionate  gaming advocate
• Practical tips for setting healthy limits on screen time 
• The unexpected benefits of video games
• How to choose age-appropriate games
• Strategies for engaging with your kids’ gaming world

About Velma Gentzsch:

Velma Gentzsch is a parenting coach who helps families find connection and cooperation through video games. After her son introduced her to the world of gaming, Velma discovered that video games could be a powerful tool for building relationships and teaching valuable life skills. Now, she’s on a mission to help parents embrace the world of gaming and use it to strengthen their bonds with their children.

Follow Velma:

Website: www.mamamabel.com

Email: mama@mamamabel.com

Did you love this episode? Discover more here: [This information was not provided in the sources, so you may wish to check the podcast host's website or social media for a link to more episodes.]

More about Dori Durbin:

Dori Durbin is a Christian wife, mom, author, illustrator, and a kids' book coach who after experiencing a life-changing illness, quickly switched gears to follow her dream. She creates kids' books to provide a fun and safe passageway for kids and parents to dig deeper and experience empowered lives. Dori also coaches non-fiction authors, professionals, and aspiring authors to "kid-size" their content into informational and engaging kids' books! Find out more here:
 https://www.doridurbin.com/

Follow Dori:
https://www.instagram.com/dori_durbin

https://www.facebook.com/doridurbin7.com

Intro for TDP (version 2)

Chapters

• 0:00 From Pac-Man to Parenting
• 4:07 "Mom, Will You Play?
• 6:07 Unexpected Benefits of Gaming
• 13:07 Setting Healthy Limits
• 20:07 Collaborating with Your Kids

Transcript

[00:00:00] Dori Durbin: I remember when we first got our very first computer. It was a Commodore 64 and it had two games on it. It was amazing. It was Centipede and Pac Man.

[00:00:10] Dori Durbin: And to be honest, the graphics on it were pretty much just lines and sticks. It was all the rage but boy, those games now have come a long way. They've gone from lines and sticks to things that it could be potentially a little bit more controversial.

[00:00:25] Dori Durbin: So how do we decide if our kids should play or what benefits even come out of playing video games now? Today I have a parenting coach who is very special. Her name is Velma Gench and she is possibly the only person I know who is a video gaming coach on top of that. So welcome Velma. 

[00:00:47] Velma Gentzsch: Thank you.

[00:00:47] Velma Gentzsch: It's my pleasure to be here. 

[00:00:50] Dori Durbin: It's so crazy that your path, you had what, two times you said you had played Super Mario Brothers and then nothing. [00:01:00] And then your son comes along and suddenly it becomes your business, right? 

[00:01:04] Velma Gentzsch: Oh yeah. It's amazing. It's pretty like I was, I did not have any of the technology as a child.

[00:01:12] Velma Gentzsch: I had to go to my neighbor's house and they didn't let me play that much. So I had zilch lifetime experience with gaming before my kid. 

[00:01:22] Dori Durbin: That's and then once he came, you said it was about eight ish, somewhere right in there. You got interested. So tell us a little bit about that. I'm really curious.

[00:01:31] Velma Gentzsch: Like he's 14 now and we, I got my first iPad when I was pregnant. So he is a digital native. And so like for the first eight years of his life, I was, everything was very curated and very monitored and very thank you, common sense media, which is a really great resource for parents to figure out what games look good for any age of kid.

[00:01:54] Velma Gentzsch: But then 8 comes along and Minecraft is all the [00:02:00] rage with his classmates. So I'm like, okay, let's try it. And he loves it. And he takes off in it. And I don't get it at all. And I can't keep up at all. So I like, I watch him, I'm, so I'm a hand in hand parenting certified instructor and I've been a hand in hand parenting instructor since he was three and I found hand in hand when he was 18 months and one of the tools that hand in hand teaches is special time.

[00:02:37] Velma Gentzsch: So I had this practice of spending time with my kid enthusiastically playing with him and seeing what it was that he was interested in. So I brought that practice to video gaming and Minecraft. And that's where we started. Amazing. 

[00:02:56] Dori Durbin: Yeah okay, I think I heard you say Minecraft may not [00:03:00] be your favorite game that he plays.

[00:03:02] Velma Gentzsch: I, I've come to love Minecraft. I didn't, I, it took me years, though, to be able to say that. And I literally spent two years just watching him play. And watching the videos that he would watch of other people playing and learning about the game. Because I'm showing up, I want to be there.

[00:03:21] Velma Gentzsch: not be left out. And I don't want to be like left behind and replaced by pixels. So like I was continually showing up and eventually where he's 10, it's pandemic. He's mom, will you play? And I'm like, okay.

[00:03:38] Dori Durbin: Show me again how to do this . 

[00:03:41] Velma Gentzsch: I asked that question 50 B bazillion times. I was, I suck so bad at the controls and remembering up and down and right and left and like a SWD and like, where's the inventory and how do I hit [00:04:00] something again, like I had to ask a million times. So yeah, so that was a good couple of years where we worked through a lot of his, Oh, mom, like impatience with me learning. But he also learned, he learned how to teach me well. And he learned how to be patient. And because I was setting limits no, I can't play with you. If you treat me like that we can't do it that way. I want to be here and I need help.

[00:04:33] Velma Gentzsch: And eventually we got to the place where he embraced being the expert. And really enjoyed being able to be better at me than something, which is. The hand in hand tool, play listening, which is really phenomenal because kids have so little control over so much in their lives and any opportunities they have to know more than [00:05:00] us and to bring laughter and lightness to that is, is really empowering for them.

[00:05:07] Dori Durbin: So do you feel like that is the major benefit for playing? Video games with your kids, or do you feel like there's more, I heard leadership as part of that. What other skills do you feel there are with allowing our kids to play games? 

[00:05:22] Velma Gentzsch: Oh, there are so many, there are so many. So whether or not you play with your kids or not, video games, build many skills.

[00:05:33] Velma Gentzsch: In anybody who plays Resilience is a huge one because video games are about losing. They're not about winning. So you have to be willing to start over and to start over and to fail and to try again. That's a big lesson that it's taught me. Another one is social skills. Cause you wouldn't think that video games are social, but they're incredibly social.

[00:05:54] Velma Gentzsch: Kids play with each other. And instead of playing house or playing [00:06:00] like. War or something they play video games and so I've witnessed my kid and his friends negotiating so much to figure out how to play together and all of the Angst that they would work out like in the yard is all Just has a different medium.

[00:06:24] Velma Gentzsch: Social skills are huge. And then there's hand eye coordination. There's da. Project planning. Project management. Because games like Minecraft, you need to have you need to think through what you want to do. It's oh, if I want to make Iron armor, I need to do five other things before I can get there. So it teaches like project planning and it teaches patience because it takes work to get to those things.

[00:06:56] Velma Gentzsch: And then the other skill that is probably the [00:07:00] hardest to learn is how to set limits with yourself because setting limits with video games or screens is hard for anybody. And Learning how to do that is a skill, and that is the biggest thing that parents involvement with their kids gaming can improve.

[00:07:23] Dori Durbin: Yeah, I could totally see that. I think about just our phones, and my husband and I have had the conversation about it like you turn your phone off or like you forgot your phone. You feel this space that you didn't realize that you've been spending so much time on that thing, and I think that's with kids too with gaming.

[00:07:41] Dori Durbin: It goes, at least when I play games, I don't pay attention to the amount of time unless I'm losing constantly, which is common. Oh, Mario Kart just kills me. But anyway. 

[00:07:52] Velma Gentzsch: I need lane, I need the lane keeping system on for that, or I am just like off the rails all the 

[00:07:58] Dori Durbin: time. I didn't even know there was a lane [00:08:00] keeping.

[00:08:00] Dori Durbin: Is it like a bumper pad for my car? 

[00:08:03] Velma Gentzsch: It's like driving assist, but I don't know if it's on older versions. I know it's on the Switch. 

[00:08:07] Dori Durbin: Oh, I don't think it's on our Switch. I would so do that. Okay. Anyway, time will go by too fast if you're not paying attention or if there's other things that you need to do first, that you have to get to before you can spend the time to do that.

[00:08:21] Dori Durbin: That's a big thing. What about competition? Because I'll be honest, the Mario Kart thing, my son and I, my son wins at everything. So I have two kids. So if we, three of us played, he always won and my daughter and I were always like, this is not a fun game anymore, and it got really competitive.

[00:08:41] Dori Durbin: So how do you keep the competition aspect of it under control in the family, but then also as a parent, not wanting just to like finally win, how do you get all that under control? 

[00:08:54] Velma Gentzsch: Maybe you don't, maybe it's okay to really want to win. Maybe it's okay for your kid [00:09:00] to lose every now and then.

[00:09:02] Velma Gentzsch: And maybe it's okay for you to lose every now and then. Our experience with that has been, like, when, I do admit, when I lose a lot I get frustrated, but if it's fair. And I realize that it's just, Like I just suck at it and it's okay. So part of it for me is just embracing the play of the game instead of the outcome of the game.

[00:09:31] Velma Gentzsch: So that's why I still go to Mario cart and still play Mario cart, even though I know I will never win. And then there are other games like we bowling, like I. I am a strike queen at Wii Bowling, and I always rock that game. But he still wants to play with me because it's still fun. But I do admit that there were times with Smash Bros when I was on a winning streak and he would get really frustrated.

[00:09:56] Velma Gentzsch: And that was an opportunity to listen to him and go, Hey, [00:10:00] it sounds like you're really frustrated right now. And let him vent about, and me hold space for, like, how hard it is to not be good at everything. Because that's just a part of other parts of his life too. 

[00:10:18] Dori Durbin: Interesting. So it's really putting the child in a situation out.

[00:10:22] Dori Durbin: Taking the real world into your house and allowing you to have that door open to be able to talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. I have to ask before I forget. What is your current favorite game since you've

[00:10:38] Velma Gentzsch: I don't play too many, I don't play too many games. I play more games than I think I do. I love Hollow Knight. I don't even know what that is. It's an older 2D platformer game that is I don't know what other, I play it on my computer. But It's really hard, but it's [00:11:00] doing a great job of teaching me and making it fun to learn along the way.

[00:11:04] Velma Gentzsch: And it's really beautiful. Like I love the animation and it's got that gothic Nightmare Before Christmas, Tim Burton feel to it, which I really like. And It's not super angsty and it's got lovely music and it's been really exciting to see how I've grown my skills as a gamer and improved so much over my play in that game.

[00:11:35] Dori Durbin: Yeah. And you're enjoying what you're seeing on top of that. So you're seeing progress and enjoying the visual. Yeah. I'll have to check that out. I've never heard of it before. 

[00:11:44] Velma Gentzsch: It's a classic, apparently. I stream sometimes. So if you check out my YouTube channel, you can see me streaming the game.

[00:11:53] Dori Durbin: Very cool. Very cool. So if somebody were to say, they want to do gaming, they want to let their family [00:12:00] do this. What would a healthy gaming situation look like in a family? And then are there any rules that absolutely have to be there from your own experience or others? 

[00:12:11] Velma Gentzsch: That's a great question.

[00:12:13] Velma Gentzsch: So what does healthy gaming look like? The answer to that is that it's individual for each family. And each child, and it changes over time and over the age of the kid and also depends on what's going on in the life of the family. So we have experts who say, don't do this or do this. And you can consider that, but I want to empower each family to be the expert on their family.

[00:12:45] Velma Gentzsch: One kid may be, say it's two hours every day, but if a kid plays two hours, they're, like completely off center and really challenging to handle. So two hours may be too much for that person. But another [00:13:00] kid may be able to set it down and do plenty of other things and have it not affect their other life.

[00:13:06] Velma Gentzsch: So they could do three hours or more, depending on what their other obligations are. So there is not one clean answer. So the start with what is a decent experiment and work with your kid to figure out what that should be. 

[00:13:22] Dori Durbin: So if it's not healthy, it might feel more like the kid's out of control, or there's a overwhelming emotional reaction going on in the family of some kind.

[00:13:33] Dori Durbin: Is that kind of what I'm hearing? 

[00:13:35] Velma Gentzsch: Yes. Yes. And no, because it is normal. for especially younger kids to be upset when they have to end something fun. So if I had one rule for families about gaming, it would be involved in the gaming with your kid. Because the more involved you are in the gaming with your kid, the easier those [00:14:00] transitions off of the game are going to be.

[00:14:04] Velma Gentzsch: So you can do things like special time with your kid in the game, like just hang out with them while they play. Learn about the game. Learn about different games have different things you need to do to have it be a good idea to, to end it. In Fortnite, you don't want to leave during a match, because you'd be abandoning your teammates, and that's just bad form.

[00:14:29] Velma Gentzsch: But in Minecraft, it might be a good idea to not end it while you're in the nether, and could be, get blasted by piglins when you come back on. So there's each game has its own arc and flavor and it's really important to learn that. And then there's a lot of other things, but those are like some of the basics.

[00:14:50] Dori Durbin: Those are great. Those are great. That gives people kind of a start, too, because I never thought about the game being in a bad spot to end. Really, honestly. Makes sense. [00:15:00]

[00:15:01] Velma Gentzsch: Yeah games have an arc. They have a storyline. And it'd be like somebody coming into your favorite show and turning off the TV five minutes before it was over.

[00:15:10] Velma Gentzsch: It's you'd be pissed. Yeah, so the more you know about their gaming world, the more you can help set them up for success by brainstorming, planning with them before they get on what is a reasonable amount of time? What is your plan for today? And then also when it's time to get off, you can come in and say, Hey, dinner's in 15 minutes.

[00:15:39] Velma Gentzsch: What do you need to do to wrap up? And you could help them think through that. And the other part is because Stopping is really hard, because video games are meant to be hard to stop, that's just the psychology behind them. That, that giving our kids support for that period of the time [00:16:00] can be really important.

[00:16:01] Velma Gentzsch: I will go down and I will be with my kid, or, now he's really independent. And I can say, hey it's time for dinner, and he's okay, and he shuts down and he calms up. It's brilliant. But I would go down and I would sit with them and Hey, we got dinner. So I would make sure that I wasn't stressed about what was in the oven or about what I had to do next.

[00:16:21] Velma Gentzsch: So I would give myself buffer time and space so that I could help him transition off. 

[00:16:28] Dori Durbin: Love it. Love it. That makes a lot of sense, too. And that goes right back to what you said about learning. If you're not there, you don't understand what's going on. Yeah. Age wise, you had mentioned something earlier about ages.

[00:16:40] Dori Durbin: Do you have a particular game or particular games or devices that you recommend for kids with families with younger kids? 

[00:16:50] Velma Gentzsch: So start by looking at common sense media. They're a non profit organization that reviews [00:17:00] all kinds of media, like books, movies, games, with what is appropriate for different ages, and what are the different kinds of flavors.

[00:17:09] Velma Gentzsch: I have found so many beautiful games, like for the iPad, for the tablet, from there, that both he and I love. That's a great place to start. And then, When you want to get it into gaming consoles or something like that. I really like Nintendo because Nintendo, of all of them, seem to be the most kid friendly games.

[00:17:31] Velma Gentzsch: And then when kids get to be six, seven, eight they're starting to get ready for Minecraft. And it's usually the kids either go Minecraft or Roblox, and I really like Minecraft. Because it's more creative in Roblox. You can be creative, but people often start by playing mini games that other people make.

[00:17:57] Velma Gentzsch: And there's a lot more work [00:18:00] in curating and tracking all of the different mini games that your kid is exposed to in Roblox, but in Minecraft, you can just start by playing Minecraft and there's like fewer variables. And it's also like really popular and it's, it is really fun. 

[00:18:16] Dori Durbin: Now. 

[00:18:18] Velma Gentzsch: That's very good.

[00:18:19] Velma Gentzsch: Good point. 

[00:18:21] Dori Durbin: No, I get it. I understand what you're saying. I really do. It takes a little while. Now outside of family dynamics, I know that there are a lot of games that you can connect with other players, just like you're starting to say. So when you are a parent, just entering this. What should you be aware of, what should you be conscious of as you walk into it?

[00:18:43] Velma Gentzsch: That's another great question. That's one of the reasons why I also like Minecraft and Switch the Nintendo Switch, is because with Minecraft you can limit it pretty easily to we're just gonna play here on this instance in this house. [00:19:00] And With a switch, you like, you don't have to connect it to the outside world.

[00:19:07] Velma Gentzsch: That said, if your kid's really smart, they'll eventually be able to get around anything that, any restrictions or controls that you put up. Learn about them. Look at the ESRB, which is the Entertainment Service Review Board, which reviews games. And they have a really great resource section for parents about parental controls and how to think about all of those.

[00:19:35] Velma Gentzsch: But more important than any of that is having conversations with your kid and making sure that they know that you understand the importance of the gaming and respect and appreciate it so that they're not embarrassed or ashamed, but they need help because something challenging is happening somewhere with a friend or with some other online [00:20:00] space that They've found so.

[00:20:04] Dori Durbin: Very good. Yeah. I always think that's the, of all of the things it's violence and connecting with other players that always screams out to especially younger families, where they just, the kids don't know any better. And maybe even the older ones, they may not know any better either.

[00:20:21] Dori Durbin: But just being aware of those groups to check it out is great. 

[00:20:25] Velma Gentzsch: Yeah. And also have conversations about online safety with your kid. You want to empower them to know what is good and healthy. It's just like any other form of consent that you, we want our kids to be comfortable with. 

[00:20:40] Dori Durbin: That's so true.

[00:20:41] Dori Durbin: Yeah. Don't give out your phone number. Don't give out your address. Don't give out your name. Yeah, but it's all out there. It's available for them to be asked. So yeah. 

[00:20:50] Velma Gentzsch: And that said, like there are friendly spaces, and there are lots of Facebook groups or online groups where kids can [00:21:00] connect or parents help kids connect with each other to play.

[00:21:04] Dori Durbin: So if a parent came to you and they said, I want parent coaching, what would that look like for them? 

[00:21:09] Velma Gentzsch: That would look like a session or a series of sessions. Sessions are 45 to 60 minutes long. And the first step is just. me hearing what's going on. And it would then be a conversation where I would ask questions and listen, because oftentimes a lot of parents know what they need for themselves, but they don't have clarity on it.

[00:21:38] Velma Gentzsch: They get stuck behind some really big feelings. So part of my job is to help them identify those feelings and feel those feelings. And then it becomes way easier than to figure out what they want to try next and help them embrace the attitude of experimentation and learning. 

[00:21:56] Dori Durbin: Good. Very good.

[00:21:58] Dori Durbin: Perfect. Perfect. So if there are [00:22:00] three to five steps that a parent wanted to take as soon as they got done listening to this podcast, and they're like, okay, I think we're going to step into the world of gaming. I'm going to find out what are those three to five steps that they might take to get started?

[00:22:12] Velma Gentzsch: The first step would probably be to just look around and educate themselves. Check out some of the resources like common sense media, ESRB, talk to their parents And then second step would be to talk to their kids and try and find some games to play together and then play the games together and so here's another important part that I want to mention that part of playing a game is learning to play the game and sometimes you learn to play the game by watching other people play the game.

[00:22:42] Velma Gentzsch: So watching people on YouTube or Twitch play the game is also playing the game. It's Doesn't make sense at first, but that can be a really effective, easy way to see if this is a game that you're going to enjoy. And [00:23:00] I can't tell you how many hours of YouTube I've watched, but there's some really entertaining folk out there and it's, it can be really fun.

[00:23:10] Dori Durbin: You probably pick up a lot of skills too, don't you? 

[00:23:13] Velma Gentzsch: Yeah, you do. Like my kid, he builds these crazy redstone engineering contraptions and he will be inspired by his favorite YouTuber. And he'll pause the thing every 30 seconds. To do the next steps and then he'll come back. So he's learned so much by the examples that other people have made out there.

[00:23:33] Velma Gentzsch: So I think that was three steps. And

[00:23:39] Velma Gentzsch: I guess the fourth step would be just collaborate with your kid. If something's not going well in a time when you're not gaming, talk about what it is that you're doing. You want to see and what, and try and understand what's hard and important to them so that you can come up [00:24:00] with experiments that both of you feel good about.

[00:24:04] Velma Gentzsch: Cause kids want to play with their parents. Kids want to connect with us. And a lot of them get really excited when a parent expresses an interest in this. 

[00:24:17] Dori Durbin: I keep thinking about your son teaching you how to do it. And that's such a huge skill just in itself. Being calm enough to walk your parent who you're assuming knows nothing about it and to take them from the point of not playing at all to actually playing with you.

[00:24:35] Dori Durbin: That's impressive. And. That's just a skill that you have to develop over time anyway as an adult, but it's cool to see that connection between the two of you. 

[00:24:44] Velma Gentzsch: Yeah, and we play games for fun, and sometimes playing a game, like he's playing this game called Outer Wilds right now, and it's another super fun, interesting puzzle kind of game, exploring puzzle game, but it's he gets to do all [00:25:00] the navigating stuff.

[00:25:01] Velma Gentzsch: Yeah. All the controller stuff and I get, I sit with him and I'm like, Oh, hey, did you see that? Can we go explore that? So it's we have, we're on the same team in different seats. And that's another really fun way to play with your kid. 

[00:25:15] Dori Durbin: That's cool. Oh, it's called Outer Wild. 

[00:25:17] Velma Gentzsch: Outer Wild. It's really cool.

[00:25:20] Velma Gentzsch: And I would be so bad at landing the spaceship on the moon or wherever it needs to go. But so it's enjoyable for me to not have to do that part. 

[00:25:30] Dori Durbin: You take the drive. You're all set for driver's training now. You know that.

[00:25:35] Dori Durbin: Or maybe not. Very good. I want them to find out more about you and more about what you do. So can you direct us where the best sites are and what they can do? 

[00:25:47] Velma Gentzsch: Yeah. So my gamer tag is Mama Mabel. So my website is mamamabel. com and that's the best place to find me. to come check out what I've got.

[00:25:58] Velma Gentzsch: I've got a [00:26:00] free mini course that goes into how to do more special time with your kid and gaming and like what the foundation is. And then there's some really cool things on limits and how to end game time. And I have a newsletter. So if you do nothing else, sign up for my newsletter and I'll send you an email every week or two.

[00:26:20] Dori Durbin: And her website is really cool. I went on it. I thought it was the neatest website I've seen a long time. So you have to check it out with nothing else, but yes, I know. 

[00:26:29] Velma Gentzsch: Mama Mabel, not Marvel, but no, our 

[00:26:35] Dori Durbin: mama, mama Mabel. com. Very good. Velma, I really appreciate all your great information. I am thinking back to my years of centipede and thinking that I might need to just play some games for myself too.

[00:26:49] Velma Gentzsch: Please let me know how it goes. 

[00:26:51] Dori Durbin: Yes. Thank you for your time today. 

[00:26:53] Velma Gentzsch: Oh, thank you. Thank you for your service to parents and getting them good information. [00:27:00] I really appreciate that.