That's Good Parenting

How You Can Grow Joy and Resilience for Yourself and Your Kids with Autumn Carter EP 104

• Dori Durbin • Season 3 • Episode 104

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Listen to this episode, "How You Can Grow Joy and Resilience for Yourself and Your Kids with Autumn Carter" as life and parenting coach Autumn Carter joins host Dori Durbin. Do you ever wonder how you will ever rediscover your identity beyond motherhood? In this episode, Autumn Carter shares how to implement self-care routines, understand personality types in parenting, balance family routines with flexibility, and tackle common parenting challenges. Listen now for tips to enhance your wellness, foster self-awareness, and revolutionize your parenting journey, then listen and start your family's new future now!

This episode covers:

* Understanding Generational Trauma and Its Impact
* Identifying and Questioning Inherited Beliefs
* Breaking Free from Limiting Family Patterns
* The Importance of Self-Discovery in Parenting
* Supporting Children Through Their Own Trauma
* The Ongoing Process of Healing from Trauma
* Nature's Role in Healing Generational Wounds

Listen to hear how you CAN bring joy into your family-- and yourself.

About Autumn Carter:
As a certified life coach and parenting coach, I empower mothers to rediscover their identity beyond motherhood, find balance amidst chaos, strengthen relationships through my parenting course, and pursue their dreams. With a background in applied health and a personal journey as a mom of four, I combine practical strategies with empathetic understanding to help moms achieve a balanced and fulfilling life. My approach focuses on understanding personalities, prioritizing family interactions, and creating meaningful connections, ensuring that every mom I coach can thrive both as a parent and an individual. My passion lies in transforming motherhood into a journey of growth, joy, and self-discovery.

Find Autumn Carter:
Newsletter: https://wellness-in-every-season.ck.page
Podcast: https://youtube.com/@momswellnessineveryseason
https://www.linkedin.com/in/autumncarter/
https://www.facebook.com/momswellnessineveryseason
https://www.instagram.com/momswellnessineveryseason/

Did you love this episode? Discover more here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/thats-good-parenting/id1667186115

More about Dori Durbin:
Dori Durbin is a Christian wife, mom, author, illustrator, and a kids’ book coach who after experiencing a life-changing illness, quickly switched gears to follow her dream. She creates kids’ books to provide a fun and safe passageway for kids and parents to dig deeper and experience empowered lives. Dori also coaches non-fiction authors, professionals, and aspiring authors to “kid-size” their content into informational and engaging kids’ books! Find out more here: https://www.doridurbin.com/

Follow Dori Durbin:
https://www.instagram.com/dori_durbin
https://www.facebook.com/


Intro for TDP (version 2)


[00:00:00] Autumn Carter: If you're not taking care of yourself, how can you better take care of your kids? How can you better show up in your business, or career, or other areas of your life that you want to focus on?

[00:00:10] Autumn Carter: You can't. If you're not getting enough sleep, If you're not moving your body, if you're not eating the right things at the time when your body actually needs it you'll know if you tune in to your body, but if you're so disconnected from yourself, how can you connect to other people?

[00:00:25] Dori Durbin: So today on the podcast, we have Autumn Carter.

[00:00:29] Dori Durbin: She's a life and parenting coach, the host of wellness in every season and a mom of four kiddos. She loves to empower moms to rediscover their identity beyond their motherhood, find balance, admits the chaos, strengthen relationships and pursue their dreams. Welcome Autumn. Thank 

[00:00:47] Autumn Carter: you. And I'm actually going through a bit of a rebrand because now that I'm a parenting coach, I'm really, and I've coached men.

[00:00:54] Autumn Carter: I'm like, maybe it should not just be for women, but that's where my heart is. 

[00:00:59] Dori Durbin: [00:01:00] That's fabulous. Yeah, 

[00:01:02] Autumn Carter: very good. There are several men that lose themselves in parenthood as well, or, and I've even coached people who aren't parents. We all struggle in life. Life can be so hard, and we get stuck thinking it's supposed to be.

[00:01:17] Autumn Carter: It doesn't have to be, and it's not always supposed to be. There are moments that are supposed to be hard. Yes, we're supposed to learn from it, but. We can find joy in the hard things because that's where we learn and if we learn, then hopefully we don't have that trial again. That's my whole mindset anyway.

That's really interesting. This wasn't the first question I was going to ask you, but now that you brought that up. When it comes to having joy. I think you're right. I think that moms settle in people in general, like you said, settle into a negative perspective. Like it's almost like this stone that just gets bigger and rolls.

So how do you try to identify that you're doing that? What do you, how do you make yourself aware that's happening? 

[00:01:58] Autumn Carter: What I have [00:02:00] realized in coaching people is there are several people who don't feel quite, they're satisfied, but they're not happy. And we tend to be a society, at least lately, it feels like where we are in pursuit of happiness.

[00:02:17] Autumn Carter: But we don't know where to turn, so we turn to what can oftentimes be the wrong thing. And so we have that, or we're just going to take whatever we can get and be satisfied with it. What if both of those have good and bad to them? What if we instead look at a lens of curiosity, of what am I trying to fill this hole of happiness that is in my life with?

[00:02:45] Autumn Carter: Are those things good or bad? And what if I have become stagnant in just being satisfied with whatever life offers me? There, I was having a conversation with my husband. He's my best [00:03:00] friend. I'm very blessed to have that. And we work hard to make that happen. That's not just to not happen. Yes, it's to not happen, but we work hard on it.

[00:03:09] Autumn Carter: That's probably a better way of saying that. But we were talking about how there's a difference between complaining and complaining. And there's a difference between manifesting in the way of saying, I am looking for something that will change this. Or I am seeing that this isn't working right in my life or whatever.

[00:03:32] Autumn Carter: And this happened because I have a very good friend of mine who has a rental van. Her van was hit, so she's had a rental van for two months. And it's the newer model of what I have. So we were talking about things and she was saying, I don't know how this works. And I happened to be in her car because we were going for a walk and driving to our destination rather than just walking from one of our houses.

[00:03:57] Autumn Carter: And I was like, hold on. I can help you with that. This [00:04:00] is my van. Have you tried this? Have you tried this? Look at this feature. And she's Oh my goodness. Can you and your husband learn about my van when I get it back? Like the one she actually owns and teaches me. If you spend time being curious, you don't always need somebody else.

[00:04:14] Autumn Carter: Read the owner's manual, those type of things. But I've been really thinking about since that and having that conversation with my husband of what is, you need to be happy, you need to be happy. What is that? What are you feeling? That is a need that may be a childhood wound. And then what is you being so overwhelmed by life that you can't even take care of the little things that are annoying you each day.

[00:04:41] Autumn Carter: So they're no longer there. Sometimes it's one of those, we need to slow down and adjust something, but we're just too busy going that we're not doing that. That's what I like about life coaching is that I can tell you worth these things and bring to mind. There's some things that you're just, this is the way it is.

[00:04:59] Autumn Carter: This is the way I have [00:05:00] to live where no, it's not. And I get to bring that to mind to you through asking questions and reflecting back to you. And I feel like I've gone on a little bit of a tangent, but. I just feel like there's a lot of people out there who just are either in that drive to be, to find happiness and you're, you steamroll people along the way sometimes, or you're just going to take whatever you can get and you won't look and reach for maybe that higher fruit on the tree.

[00:05:30] Autumn Carter: Interesting. 

[00:05:31] Dori Durbin: And I don't think you're going off very far because I think a lot of people see happiness as obtaining something. I'm going to be happy when I get X, Y, Z and then you get X, Y, Z, and it isn't really filling what is actually missing, right? It's not the joy that you talked about in the very beginning.

[00:05:47] Dori Durbin: It's different. But I think as a mom, sometimes you feel trapped In the world of, okay it's the next day. It's the next day. It's the next day. And this is how it is. And this is how it's going to be. And it's, I'm a [00:06:00] mom. I made this decision to be a mom and I'm, I don't want to say stuck.

[00:06:03] Dori Durbin: Cause that sounds horrible, but you're in this routine that is just confining you. Is that kind of what you deal with a lot when your clients come in mom or dad? 

[00:06:13] Autumn Carter: I was just even thinking of myself during the summer. I was like I do. I know I chose this. Oh my goodness, they're on each other's throats and I'm about to scream and run away.

[00:06:27] Autumn Carter: Fend for yourselves. There are several books and podcasts that I've listened to, and I felt like it was justifying something that I learned before motherhood, is to find joy in the journey. It's not about the destination, it's the joy along the way.

[00:06:44] Autumn Carter: It's the visualizing what it's going to be like. How many times, I'm a hiker, I love nature and it's getting close to that season. Yeah, I am so excited. Especially here in Maryland when the leaves change color. I'm originally from Arizona where there aren't as [00:07:00] many leaves. You have to go up in the mountains for it.

[00:07:05] Autumn Carter: And there's so many hikes that I am somebody who likes to stop along the way and take pictures. I can be very annoying for those that are through hikers, but I like to enjoy all of it. Enjoy smelling the, if I'm around pine tree, smelling the pine needles and just enjoying that. I'm not hugging every tree by any means, but I'm just enjoying the air, how it's different than around the city.

[00:07:30] Autumn Carter: I'm enjoying the views because there are a lot of really good views along the way. It's not just when you get to the top. And there's so many hikes that you can go on where you get to the top and it's underwhelming. You don't really have a view. It's just more trees. But there's the end of the trail and you have to come back down.

[00:07:45] Autumn Carter: It can be like that in life. And you're right, we can be next thing, which is really good goal setting wise. But, If we're not enjoying it and learning along the way, then we just have this [00:08:00] emptiness and we're trying to fill it. This isn't working. So we're going to try something else.

[00:08:04] Autumn Carter: And this is what can also happen with people who we can use alcoholism, for example, or sleeping less than less. Cause you're trying to obtain that goal instead of taking care of our wellness. So that's why I really focus a lot on wellness outside of being a parenting coach is wellness is where it's at.

[00:08:25] Autumn Carter: If you're not taking care of yourself, how can you better take care of your kids? How can you better show up in your business, or career, or other areas of your life that you want to focus on?

[00:08:35] Autumn Carter: You can't. If you're not getting enough sleep, If you're not moving your body, if you're not eating the right things at the time when your body actually needs it you'll know if you tune in to your body, but if you're so disconnected from yourself, how can you connect to other people? So that's why I'm really striving to go back to wellness and everything that I do, because this is where we are preventative.

[00:08:59] Autumn Carter: [00:09:00] If we're taking care of ourselves, we're not yelling at our children as much if we're taking care of ourselves. 

[00:09:06] Dori Durbin: Yeah, that's so true. And when you were talking about taking those moments, you had, so I have college age kids, right?

[00:09:14] Dori Durbin: And I still envision them at different times of their lives where they're like three and okay I could focus in on all of the chaos of getting point to point and this and that and all those things going on but the moments that I miss are the ones that I took time and just like observed and freeze time just for a minute and like I can almost still smell their clothes and see the stuff on their bodies that they were food and everything it's And at the time it was so annoying because like you're trying to move on to the next thing and do these other plans for the day.

[00:09:45] Dori Durbin: But. But those are the sweet memories that if you don't pay attention, you don't get those back. And so like reflecting back with older kids, it's super important to take just those few moments and just really relish in what you're [00:10:00] experiencing. As a mom too, as a dad, it doesn't matter. But like you're talking about outside, same thing, taking the time to just let yourself enjoy the moment.

[00:10:08] Dori Durbin: It's huge. 

[00:10:10] Autumn Carter: And there are several times this last week, I feel bad even saying this out loud, but where my three year old, I do have a three year old when you mentioned it, my three year old asked twice this last week if I could play with him and I told him no because I had other stuff to get done.

[00:10:24] Autumn Carter: It was finally quiet and I am so behind from summer. No, go play by yourself. And what if I did take that time for him? What if I did slow down and enjoy him a little bit more? It's a 

balance though, too, because if you're going to get something done you do have some time limits that you have to, and that's this kind of, ironically, that's what our conversation today is focusing on.

As a parent, I'm saying as a mom, just cause I'm a mom, but as a parent, how do you know when you need a little bit more, maybe you're mothering or fathering [00:11:00] and you're like, you've still got this desire. So how do you balance this all out and still be. mentally, physically sound in all of this.

Do you have some keys? Like, how do you know when you're ready for 

[00:11:11] Autumn Carter: something else? I just started implementing this in my life and I love it so much that I'm telling everybody about it. I even started my husband on it and thankfully he's a good listener. So like he started and trying, he's trying it and he loves it too.

[00:11:24] Autumn Carter: It's called Miracle Mornings. I don't know if you've ever heard of the book. It is newly updated. So get the newest version, but it's by Hal L. Rod and I would show it to you, but I'd have to walk away. It's over there on my bookshelf. It's yellow. So it is talking about waking up at least an hour before.

[00:11:44] Autumn Carter: Everybody else in your family does, so that you are taking care of yourself. You are putting yourself first in the day. What a concept, as parents, right? We don't do that. Oftentimes we're staying up late to try and shove in all our self care things, or to [00:12:00] decompress. What if we are waking up earlier, going to bed on time, waking up earlier so that we can get that in?

[00:12:06] Autumn Carter: In mine, I'll share mine, I actually have it written on my whiteboard. So here's his part. He's calling it Savers. Savers. And when I listened to him on a podcast episode, I couldn't tell if he was saying sabers, like lightsabers, Star Wars, or sabers. It's with a V, not a B in there. Okay. So it's silence. So meditation.

[00:12:24] Autumn Carter: And you can decide how long or short this is going to be. So silence, affirmations, visualization, exercise, reading, and scribing, so journaling. He came up with funny words to make it an acronym. And then for me, I add in piano. I'm very beginner piano, so don't expect much hearing this. This is something I've always wanted to do, and I'm finally doing it for myself.

[00:12:49] Autumn Carter: My son has a piano teacher. So then I had my husband sign up because he wanted to. And as soon as I graduated college, I went back when my oldest was seven months old. So as soon as I graduated [00:13:00] college, I was like, it's my turn. So we, all three of us take piano lessons. And then my daughter is in first grade and she is now ready.

[00:13:09] Autumn Carter: So we're going to start her like in January, get her used to first grade. And then I add in Duolingo, so for Spanish. And then I added my scripture study and that is my morning routine. Does it always? finish before kids are awake? No, but the nice thing is if you don't finish a project at night, you're staying up later, it's not going as well.

[00:13:30] Autumn Carter: So here, if I don't finish before the kids are awake, I still have moments throughout the day that I can finish my morning routine. And then after this, I'm doing my two most important things to me for the day. What did I Write out that they are in my journal. Okay, that's what I'm doing. As soon as I have that make that opportunity not have because we all have the same amount of time.

[00:13:54] Autumn Carter: As soon as I make that opportunity and I found that to be so important for me [00:14:00] and it's filling my cup in such a huge way because summer really depleted me, especially the last few weeks that I feel energetic. And my trick, because I am a snoozer for the morning, is we have a smart light switch, and we have it turn on to wake me up.

[00:14:22] Autumn Carter: So it turns on at 20%, it's not full blast, because if you want cranky autumn, that's how you get it. But, so that's happening while my alarm is going off. So even if I'm trying to snooze through it, pass in and out, light's keeping me awake. So I've been getting out of bed, and I found that to be so motivating, so helpful, that I have a daughter who is a bit of a turtle in the morning.

[00:14:48] Autumn Carter: She is a mini version of me. We're more night owls than morning people, naturally. So I now have her waking up half an hour earlier so that she can get through her stuff in the day. [00:15:00] So she's losing her later bedtime that she gained from being a little bit older. So now it's going into this and she likes having that time with me in the morning.

[00:15:09] Autumn Carter: And with her being the second child, she gets lost in the shuffle. So it's really working out. So I really highly recommend if you don't want to do a morning routine like this, figure out what works for you and make it. As non negotiable as you can, because you need to remember as you're taking care of everybody else, you matter to the reason why I chose to focus on moms for so long in my business.

[00:15:36] Autumn Carter: And it's still going to be the heart of everything I do is because we tend to not even have ourselves on our to do list. We're not even on the back burner. And it is so easy to lose ourselves in motherhood because we are taking care of everybody else. And if everybody else is taken care of, then we go volunteer in the community.

[00:15:57] Autumn Carter: We find somebody else who has needs. [00:16:00] Forgetting to look in the mirror because we also have needs. That's my soapbox, one of many that will probably happen right now, but that is my biggest thing, this is why I focus on wellness, because if we're not taking care of ourselves, we can't show up the way that we want to in the world.

[00:16:16] Autumn Carter: We're snapping at people, and we don't mean to. We're neglecting ourselves for so long that we can end up with disease. My degree is in applied health, so I can speak to these things. I've studied them. If we are not taking care of ourselves, then we, most of all, here's your tiny guilt trip. We are showing that example to our children.

[00:16:38] Autumn Carter: And then when we are grandparents and looking at them and trying to counsel them to do better, are they really going to listen to us? Because our words don't mean as much as our actions do. 

[00:16:51] Dori Durbin: A couple things you brought to mind. First of all, I tried to do that kind of time during nap time. And then as nap time disappears.[00:17:00]

[00:17:00] Dori Durbin: And it fluctuates. Oh, and it fluctuates, yes. Or it can be like It's 15 minutes and you're used to like an hour and a half and you're like almost irritated that you don't have that time. So morning makes a lot of sense to me. I love that you've invited your daughter. I think that's just precious time that again, she's going to really appreciate and remember and she's probably going to do it with her kids, which is awesome 

[00:17:22] Autumn Carter: But in all honesty, I pouted over it for a couple days if I like this 

[00:17:26] Dori Durbin: that's a lifetime Yeah, you're giving something up and maybe it doesn't work all the time or maybe it's not every day Whatever you know, whatever that flexible, right?

[00:17:34] Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah, but that's that flexibility piece too and you're Again, going back to you're not doing it for yourself and we're doing it for her. So you gotta balance that. But it is, it's, again, speaking as an older parent I see my kids doing some of the same things. I would, in college, work up until I had nothing left.

[00:17:52] Dori Durbin: And I see them doing it too. And I'm like, what are you doing? Don't do that. But they saw that personality trait, period. into what I [00:18:00] did when they were little, they still saw that happening. So yeah, in the great thing, you can instill some really great skills and beliefs in your kids, but they're also, you can create some really bad habits and examples for your kids.

[00:18:12] Dori Durbin: So that wellness piece is super important. I love that you focus on that. Are there things that moms really struggle with when it comes to doing things for themselves beyond, I know there's like mom guilt of I shouldn't be doing this, but, are there other pieces that tend to trip them up so they don't take that step themselves?

[00:18:31] Autumn Carter: I'm actually creating a program because of this. Because we talk about self care so much. The we as society, globally, we talk about self care, but it's so spoken of. But we have a hard time like really grasping. What is that? What is that for me? What does that look like? So I'm actually creating a program that is going to be eight months worth because there's eight dimensions of wellness right here in this weird looking bubble thing, is it, [00:19:00] and we are going to go over what self care is.

[00:19:04] Autumn Carter: Each week, so each month, we'll have a different area or dimension, whichever way you want to call it. And each week we are going to focus on one self care thing you can do for the week for that to help with that. Because we talk about self care, like I've even been stuck in that rut. I'll get better and then I get stuck in a different area.

[00:19:24] Autumn Carter: I'll be honest, I'm a person and We're all evolving and getting better and figuring out and having that curiosity piece, right? And for me, there are certain times where certain self care rituals work and certain ones don't. And we need to be able to have that really curiosity piece. Like with everything in life.

[00:19:47] Autumn Carter: That's what I speak about a lot when I do my mindfulness moment in my podcast is make sure to take away the judgment and look at it from a place of curiosity. But for me, it's really figuring out what self care [00:20:00] means to you. I'm writing a list. How long do these activities take? And then maybe rate them.

[00:20:08] Autumn Carter: So when you know let's go back to your nap. So real, my youngest one is thinking he's going to drop his nap. And I'm like, no, you're not because now he's alone at home for the first time ever. And he was supposed to start preschool today, but he's been sick. We'll hopefully his nap will pick back up a lot more with preschool and realizing he at least gets quiet time and then he'll figure it out from there.

[00:20:34] Autumn Carter: But three years old is way too young for one of my children to be giving up naps. And I say one of mine because they have part of my DNA, so they need more sleep. Anyway, cause I know I do. And yeah, all of my kids were like in kindergarten and that's the reason why they dropped their naps. So that's why I know with him long tangent, but naps can vary.

[00:20:56] Autumn Carter: And our needs can vary as well. Like when we're really [00:21:00] depleted, we're going to need to do more things for self care. So like, how much time do I have? How much can I fill in and maybe rate them as which one fills you up the most and then go based off of that. And When you have a newborn, it's really hard because you can't schedule their naps.

[00:21:16] Autumn Carter: You can once they get to nine months old. Or is it six months? Anyway, I had the sleep bible. It was really amazing. I forget what it's called. But, it takes a while to schedule them. And even then the, how the length is up to them, not you, unfortunately. It was really hard, because I like being in control of things that are around me.

[00:21:37] Autumn Carter: And parenthood has taught me how much that's just a laugh in my face. I can't control when I'm giving birth, for how long I'm pushing, or any of those things. If I'm getting pregnant, when I'm getting pregnant, you can't control any of that. I learned that and I'm still learning that. I probably will for the rest of my life, while I learn to let go a little more.

[00:21:57] Autumn Carter: But this is where self care really helps [00:22:00] me as well. When I'm feeling like I'm not in control of anything in my life, but I need to have my needs met and the thing with children, especially I have one that's neurodivergent that has even led us to be talking today. So when he's triggered, he triggers me.

[00:22:18] Autumn Carter: So I need to have things in my back pocket that I can do to refill my cup. Going back to the cup analogy. It's about learning and it's about figuring out what you need and actually scheduling time for it, making that a priority. 

[00:22:33] Dori Durbin: When my kids were newborns, I felt like there was such a huge responsibility on me that I needed to get them into the sleep schedule, this food schedule, this awakeness schedule. And if we did something out of the ordinary, it like, it was like putting on the brakes and everything exploding. And I remember getting to the point where I was like, I can't keep this up. I personally cannot keep this up. It's not working. It's not fitting what they need. [00:23:00] And it was like, I had to almost make the schedule something that was like a floating schedule to get things done. And eventually I got into a rhythm, but I think that's something that's really hard for a lot of parents is finding that.

[00:23:13] Dori Durbin: You get a rhythm, and it's I'm a runner, so I think of these shoes that you find your favorite shoe, and then they change it. And you can't buy that shoe anymore. It's the same, you get this rhythm going, and you can't buy that rhythm anymore because they're changed. Is that something that a lot of moms struggle with too?

[00:23:29] Autumn Carter: I was just thinking for myself. Yeah. Yes. So for my children, thankfully, my oldest really likes routine and it and I need it because of trauma in my past. I have capital T trauma in my past. And so he. thrived off of it. And then child number three comes along and he needs it. If his routine, if things not come off his routine, he is triggered and he'll be triggered for a while.

[00:23:59] Autumn Carter: And then because he has [00:24:00] siblings, he'll also trigger them and mom and dad. And it just, it turns into a whole thing. So we use routine as much as we can, knowing that we are going to still be able to live and have things switch around and have adventure days and have days where we're not going to nap because we're out doing something.

[00:24:23] Autumn Carter: We try to not have them back to back because heaven forbid with that child. But it really is about being flexible. With those, I found that I have to share that a lot with parents. Make sure to be flexible, make sure you're taking care of yourself. First of all we talk so much in the world about how to be better parents, but I don't feel like enough people are talking about how let's bring it back to yourself.

[00:24:53] Autumn Carter: It might sound selfish, but you need to take care of yourself before you can best show up as the parent you want to be. If you're not [00:25:00] getting enough sleep. You're not going to be the person that you want to be. And it's really hard with newborns. I am somebody who I need my sleep. I need my eight hours. I can function off six, but during the four hour sleep period was awful.

[00:25:16] Autumn Carter: Or when they're super near newborns and you're only getting an hour and a half in there. Bruh. That's so rough. I don't. When I see people with newborns, I'm like, good on you. I could, I know, glad I'm done with having babies because whoa, that was a lot. And I'm like how did I end up with four? How did I survive?

[00:25:36] Autumn Carter: Anyway, thankfully I did. Thankfully they did. And we thrived a lot. And surprisingly we thrived during COVID because we had routines and we were able to just, modify along the way. So I find that to be helpful. Not every child's personality thrives off of that though which we could talk about that more in a little bit.

[00:25:56] Autumn Carter: There are different personalities and they need different things and it can be so [00:26:00] hard when their personalities are so different from yours, which causes a lot of friction. Tell us about that. I'm really curious. I realized I left a little bit too much of a lead into that. My, let me back up and I'll tell you about this.

[00:26:16] Autumn Carter: The child I've been mentioning quite a bit. My third child, he he has some neurodivergencies. He is a harder child to parent. He is so sweet and so loving and so defiant. He's a package of all these things. He is a puzzle and the nice thing is They're so our oldest there's a three year age gap between our oldest and our second and then it's I need to redo the math It's around 19 months between them.

[00:26:49] Autumn Carter: He was our surprise child and then it's around 22 months after that. So it was really nice to have just that [00:27:00] sandwich of these three children are close in age because I was able to compare. I know we talk about how comparing is not good, but in this case I was able to compare and see where he was and see things aren't quite where they should be.

[00:27:14] Autumn Carter: I'm not crazy, there is something here. And we are very intentional with our parenting, with our lifestyle. We're very intentional and We realized that we wanted to get this taken care of before he started kindergarten. Unfortunately, the wait list for getting him evaluated medically was over a year. I needed help and I am religious.

[00:27:42] Autumn Carter: So I was praying for help. I was talking to different people. This is where part of that manifestation comes in where like I'm voicing my needs to other people, asking for help. I was reading parenting books and I took extra parenting classes while in college. And they were fitting for the other [00:28:00] three children, but not this one.

[00:28:01] Autumn Carter: So it's okay, something's here. I, as we talked about, I have my own podcast and I interviewed somebody who is a parent coach. And I was interviewing her for my podcast, for my listeners, for other people. This is where a lot of good things happen. When you're out doing good in the world, good things come back to you.

[00:28:21] Autumn Carter: And. After my husband could tell even in the interview, I'm like, all this stuff would be really useful for me. I was mentioning this child. I did not even edit the podcast episode and I had my husband listen to it because I didn't want to wait that long. I just listened to it raw. Tell me what you think.

[00:28:37] Autumn Carter: I know it's longer than what I'm going to edit it out to. He did and he said, I can tell why this resonated for you. So we scheduled with her and I told her. I want to do this, but if I'm doing this for me, I'm going to want to share this with other people. So that's how this all came about is I finished the program [00:29:00] a month ago.

[00:29:02] Autumn Carter: It's so hard to tell at the end of summer. The days are weeks and who knows anymore. At least several weeks ago. I officially finished the program and what really resonated with me is that she uses the DISC model, which I did learn about in school. So the DISC model is you're breaking up someone's personality into four quadrants.

[00:29:23] Autumn Carter: And this is a model that was used, I think it was originally used for the workplace. But if you can use one model, one place you can use in other places is what I've learned. I've learned so many different models from my degree program. And with this one, it's dominant, inspiring, supportive, and cautious.

[00:29:43] Autumn Carter: And so you're thinking of it as four quadrants, but in here, there are people that are more social and people who are more reserved and people who are more. I'm forgetting the other two, but. You can be [00:30:00] here and here. You can be in different areas within this four square. And what was very interesting for me learning this is that you can be, when you are like zen, relaxed, nobody's bothering you, I know it's rare as a parent, but just imagine it.

[00:30:21] Autumn Carter: You can be Stronger in one area and weaker in another, like you're natural the way you naturally are. But then when you're stressed, it can look different. Like your strengths can switch around. And what I really like is in the coaching program, we are you're assessing yourself and then we're going over the results and seeing that even with me, there was a difference.

[00:30:48] Autumn Carter: And it's okay there's some stress going on in your life. Let's talk about that. And. It was amazing to learn the reasons why. This [00:31:00] child was so why? There was just that friction in our family between this child and everybody else because his personality is so different from everybody else. . It's not just the neuro divergencies, it's that, and there's so many times where we can be so quick to put labels on children for neurodiverse, neuro di, the neuro divergencies, when sometimes it's just personality For him, it's both.

[00:31:30] Autumn Carter: I will fully admit to that. And we are helping him with all of the ways, but now that we understand his personality, we know how to speak affirmations to him in his language. And my husband was the one who tried it out first. And I saw like instantly, he's you got me like, you understand me. 

[00:31:49] Dori Durbin: Oh, 

[00:31:50] Autumn Carter: he did two different times that same week, like two different days.

[00:31:53] Autumn Carter: And just He lit up and it was just like, Oh, my goodness. We're never going back like this is amazing. [00:32:00] And then we learned his love languages, which fed into it even more. It was amazing. And then we started using it on our other children. It was a lot easier to use it on my other children while I was doing the program because my daughter is very similar to me.

[00:32:15] Autumn Carter: And she has you have two really strong personalities, and then you have your two weaker ones out of this quadrant. And then my oldest, he has my secondary one. He is his first so it just made it really easy to speak to them. And then the secondary personality to my third child is the primary personality to my youngest okay, that's why they get along.

[00:32:37] Autumn Carter: But that's why there's also friction. I understand. So it just made it easier as I was going through the program to be able to speak to them to be able to parent them. And growing up, I thought fairness meant you have the same rules for each child, the same consequences, you parent the same way, the same tone of voice.

[00:32:58] Autumn Carter: And as I was, [00:33:00] I grew up in the world and discovered and became a parent, I realized it's not that way. Fairness. Oh, how would I define fair? Fairness is more how your heart is speaking to them and how they're understanding things and what works best for them. Because as each child is so different.

[00:33:23] Autumn Carter: Like you should know this separate from what I've told you as a parenting coach, like this part is you can give one child the same consequences as the other. And for one, it's devastating for the other where they're like, I don't even care about that. Whatever. So it was really interesting to apply the things that I learned in a better way from doing this program.

[00:33:46] Autumn Carter: So I have used it in just general coaching with people and just discussing things with my friends, but I, because I am so fresh, I am so excited to use it on somebody and I haven't besides using it for ourselves. And I feel [00:34:00] like That is enough of a, like having my story means more than having a client success story because of how much we have struggled with him.

[00:34:13] Autumn Carter: And I'm so glad I have Kleenex nearby. It's been a big struggle and knowing that we, he did the four hour testing and the results still aren't officially in yet. And he's done it two months ago. This is when it finally happened that I was still able to give his kindergarten teacher clues. I was able to explain his personality, explain his love language, while also explaining here are the things that we have done for him outside of that.

[00:34:40] Autumn Carter: Here are the things we're waiting on here. Here's what works for him. Here's what doesn't. Here's 1 thing things that were. Curious about without we're not sure about for him. Whereas when he started, we put him in preschool last year to help prepare him for kindergarten. So we knew it was going to be huge [00:35:00] adjustment for him.

[00:35:01] Autumn Carter: And he really he's a COVID child. So he needed the social skills. He did not have them as much as we tried. And that's what he learned the most in preschool. It wasn't how to spell his name. It wasn't how to sight read some words. It wasn't ABC's numbers. It was social skills that he needed the most. So he learned a lot of that and now he needs to get the other pieces in because he is behind and, but everybody is at his stage.

[00:35:33] Autumn Carter: Thankfully everybody else is a COVID baby. But it just felt so much better to be able to give her answers that I wasn't able to give the preschool teacher because the preschool teacher asked me, she This is our third kid to go through her program. She knew us really well at this point. And my daughter is a grade above him.

[00:35:50] Autumn Carter: So she'd just seen us and she'd seen him every day at drop off and pick up, and she was asking for tips and tricks, and this is what I gave her. I don't know. [00:36:00] One day it works, and the next day it doesn't. I really don't know, and I'm lost, and help, and the reason why we started looking for help so soon, we were already starting to, but like really diving in, is because he was almost kicked out of the preschool program, because he was disrupting enough of the class, and they were then doing the naughty things he was doing, and which made it really hard for her to try and teach.

[00:36:25] Autumn Carter: And she's someone who also has four children and she's been doing this for years. And for her to be lost to, I'm like I feel justified, but at the same time, heartbroken. So it was amazing to have, to gain these tools from the coaching program that I am so excited to share with everybody else. 

I think that's so amazing because you, like you said, you're using it for your kids.

You're using it for your teachers. School is a big obstacle that we just barely talked about, but, and then I'm just thinking as he gets older and he's meeting other people, not that everybody will have their disc. [00:37:00] Profiles, but he'll at least be able to recognize techniques, traits in different people and how to handle them, which is awesome too.

So that's amazing. And this is something that you're starting to offer in your one to one coaching. Is that part of it? So tell us a little bit about how people can work with you and where they can find you and all of those 

[00:37:20] Autumn Carter: good things. Yes. So to answer your question, sorry, my little child just came in here, the one who's sick at home.

[00:37:27] Autumn Carter: He, so I offer, he's closing the door. Good. I offer on demand. And I offer one on one coaching with this because with the on demand program, you don't get the one on one coaching with me. So it's cheaper, easier, but if you are really struggling like I was with my child, I really recommend the one on one coaching.

[00:37:54] Autumn Carter: So with the one on one coaching, we are meeting every week for eight weeks. And we are going through [00:38:00] how are these things working for you? What's working? What isn't? What do you need? And usually what is not working is stuff within you. So this is where I'm offering the wellness coaching and the self care parts because you need to be taking care of yourself while you're also trying to figure out your children.

[00:38:20] Autumn Carter: And usually when people are coming to a parenting coach, they are Beyond like they're usually teenagers. I was coming because of somebody who's in preschool. So there's a lot of, a lot more work to do to undo patterns and habits and everything else that's going on. So that's why I, for some people. For a lot of people, I really do recommend one on one, but maybe you can't afford it, or you don't have time for it, or whatever else, that's why I also offer on demand, so there's a few different ways that you can work with me.

It sounds like it's better to come earlier than it is to wait until they're older. If you're questioning it, you should 

[00:38:58] Autumn Carter: definitely reach out to [00:39:00] you. It's like, when should you see a marriage therapist? At the beginning or the end of your relationship, right? So it's definitely like that with your children too, and it's also never too late.

[00:39:13] Autumn Carter: So your children are in college If you are finding that you are having a hard time connecting with them, do it now, because they are coming, they're at the point in their life where it can be very critical in your relationship, whether you keep your relationship or not, because they are discovering themselves, they're discovering there's a whole world out there separate from you, and You want to be in it.

[00:39:38] Autumn Carter: You want to have that relationship. It can be very devastating not to have it. My parents are very toxic and they are not involved in our lives and it's really hard to try and explain that to my children. Trying to explain their mental health and why some people look well on the outside but they're not well on the inside.

[00:39:56] Autumn Carter: And it was actually a conversation I was having with my oldest yesterday because he was saying he remembered [00:40:00] my mother. So realize that you can do this at any point. You can even use it with adult children because really you're using it for yourself and how you show up for them and how you understand them.

[00:40:11] Autumn Carter: It's working that way and understanding yourself. And what's so great is you can also use this in the workplace. You can use this. Once you understand how this program works, you can use it everywhere else and use it most of all with yourself because we are the hardest people on ourselves. We neglect ourselves the most and we tend to separate pieces of ourselves instead of remembering that we are a whole person made up of parts and if we Learn to accept ourselves, learn to accept the things that family members, when we were the most vulnerable, which is usually children, neglected us, misunderstood us.

[00:40:56] Autumn Carter: It's because they didn't understand our personality types and how to speak to [00:41:00] us. What if we can learn how to speak to ourselves that way? And then when we are learning that, we can also be learning how to speak to those that we care most about and the ways that they need. And remember all the ways that we were hurt.

[00:41:13] Autumn Carter: And making sure that we're not then perpetuating that cycle. That's 

so many important reasons why really. And so Autumn, what is your website? 

[00:41:26] Autumn Carter: Yes. Yes. You were asking me that. How to work with me. It's wellnessineveryseason. com. It is a play off my name with the season, but also we have seasons of life.

[00:41:37] Autumn Carter: And I really want you to be your whole self. Wellness, so wellnessineveryseason. com And it's right there on the homepage, instead of having the homepage be everything about me, it's here's my programs. Because if you are searching for me, it's because you need help, so let's have you see my programs first.

[00:41:55] Autumn Carter: So it's right there on the webpage, and in her show notes, I am sending her the [00:42:00] link. You can sign up for my newsletter, and with that, you are getting According to personality types, how to speak affirmations to them. So you can already get a sneak peek on how this works. So check out our show notes for that.

[00:42:14] Autumn Carter: That's 

awesome. I love that idea. And then if you are a mom who is listening or a dad listening and you're saying, okay, there's joy in my life, what are a few things that they can do just quick things they can do to start reclaiming some of that today? 

[00:42:30] Autumn Carter: The first one, start doing the morning routine.

[00:42:33] Autumn Carter: It's amazing. And I have another newsletter one for that, but I won't show that in your show notes just because I don't want to give too much in the way that it is overwhelming. I tend to be that way as a friend. My husband's you need to slow down with the one friend that I mentioned. You need to slow down with her.

[00:42:51] Autumn Carter: Don't overwhelm her with all the good you can give her. And actually I talked to her about it and she's no, I'm actually fine. Oh, good. [00:43:00] But start with your morning routine and then go to sleep earlier to make up for the morning routine. If you're having a hard time going to sleep, then spend some time doing the mindfulness Practices, spend some time thinking about what you're doing that is making it harder for you to go to sleep.

[00:43:18] Autumn Carter: And remember that when you are trying to go to sleep, remind your body, remind your mind, it's sleep time now. That's what we're doing. We're not replaying the day. We're not replaying all that stress. We don't need to relive all that. We can to self reflect and do better, but not while we're trying to go to sleep.

[00:43:35] Autumn Carter: Because good luck with your dreams. Good luck going to sleep. So really. Morning routine. Evening routine. Here's one. Drink enough water. I'm from Arizona, so this is always with me. When I go walking, I have this huge water bottle I take with me in case I get lost. I'm not getting lost anywhere in a desert, Maryland, but I still do it.

[00:43:54] Autumn Carter: But make sure you're taking care of yourself so that you are being the example for your children [00:44:00] and to also bring more joy. If you have a significant other, I recommend weekly date nights. I know you might be saying, I can't afford that. I don't have time for that. That doesn't mean you need to leave your house for every date night.

[00:44:13] Autumn Carter: So my husband and I, our babysitter comes every other week. She was supposed to come tonight, but kids throwing up. So she won't. So home date night. So on the off lease, we have a home date night where we choose things where we haven't done it, but it's planned. I forget the name of the show, but you take a recipe, and you don't know what it looks like, and you just go.

[00:44:34] Autumn Carter: My husband and I are pretty decent cooks. I don't know how we're gonna ruin it. It'll still taste good, right? Even though the fit looks gross. Or, think about what you can do. You can, they have scavenger hunt kits, you can go stargazing. There are so many different things you can do. You can have a picnic on your living room floor.

[00:44:55] Autumn Carter: You can watch a favorite movie that you haven't seen for a while. [00:45:00] You can there's YouTube videos, learn how to dance. There's so many things you figure out what you guys like to do together. Another thing is I have a couple's book that just, I didn't write it, so it's not, I realized the way I said it.

[00:45:13] Autumn Carter: I have a couple's book that I bought for one of our anniversaries, Christmas, a gift. And it has a bunch of different questions in there, so we'll ask each other questions and answer them. And they're very thought provoking. And some of them are one of those I have to think about that for a while type of questions and some we just know right away, which is really fun to have that reconnection.

[00:45:36] Autumn Carter: And it's that reconnection with yourself as well as your significant other. Cause there's times where I'm like, I didn't realize that about myself type of thing. So there are lots of ways that you can bring joy within your life, but think of through come from a place of curiosity and come from a place of wanting to get your, to know yourself and your current [00:46:00] season, because we all go through seasons.

[00:46:04] Autumn Carter: And we all have moments where we forget to update our Google maps, so to speak of this used to be my trigger, but no longer is. I used to really enjoy this hobby, but now I don't, but I'm still doing it. And why? I have this family tradition that everybody needs to do, but nobody enjoys it, including me.

[00:46:23] Autumn Carter: And I'm the one who came up with it and I'm the one forcing people. So really spend time figuring out yourself so that you can better figure out other people because. The thing is, the hard fact is, and you're here, our children end up needing us less. So we're going to spend a lot more time with ourselves.

[00:46:41] Autumn Carter: So let's make sure that we like who we are. 

Great advice. I love it. I love it. Okay, Autumn. I think that people are going to want to find out more about the DISC method. So I can't wait for them to get that downloadable in our podcast notes. And they're going to want to talk to you and find out more about their kids themselves.

So [00:47:00] I just thank you for the time that you gave us today and the gift of just being curious and enjoying the moment too. 

[00:47:06] Autumn Carter: Yep. Very true. Thank you. Thanks for having me on. And I know that parenthood is tough for you guys. And know that we are rooting for you in parenthood. That's why she has this podcast And that's why I became a parenting coach because it is hard.

[00:47:23] Autumn Carter: It's amazing. It's amazingly hard, but it's worth it You're worth it Remember that even on days where you just want to curl up in a ball and cry that you are worth it you have Such a divine worthiness whatever divinity means to you have it Even in your worst days. Thank you. 


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Dori Durbin

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