083 One-Word Answers? How to Restore Talking with Your Teen with Janet Krebs

Listen to this episode, "One-Word Answers? How to Restore Talking with Your Teen with Janet Krebs"  as Speaker, Author, and Family Facilitator, Janet Krebs joins Dori Durbin. 

Do one-word answers have you wondering: How can I get more meaningful conversations with my teen? Why doesn't my teen open up to me anymore? Or, maybe you're just looking for small ways to easily rebuild your connection? Family facilitator and 14-year Space Flight Simulator Commander, Janet Krebs shares how she helps families adopt a leadership mindset that cultivates confidence and self-reliance. With advanced degrees in human behavior and 2 adult children of her own, Janet truly knows the challenges of communicating with teens.

Janet shares how you can shift your approach to:

• Ask More Open-Ended Questions
• Admitting Own Imperfections to Strengthen Trust
• Meeting Them Where They Are (Even if That's Texting)
• Small Gestures To Show You Care
• Creating Quality Time for Meaningful Connection
• Giving Space While Keeping the Door Open
• 3-5 Things to Start Doing NOW
• . . . and so much more!

Parents: tune in for tips on communicating and connecting with your teen in more fulfilling ways for both of you!

About Janet:
Janet is a speaker, author and a family facilitator …helps families adopt a leadership mindset and empowers them to cultivate confidence and self-reliance in themselves and their children.  She has enjoyed a rich career in Consulting, Human Resources and Education. She spent over 14 years as Commander Krebs in a Space Flight Simulator where she impacted over 60,000 students. She is a 2X best-selling author and earned advanced degrees in Human Behavior and Development, Counseling Psychology and in Education. When asked her greatest accomplishment she will answer, without hesitation, her 2 adult children, Benjamin and Elisa.

Follow Janet:
https://www.ask@janetkrebs.com
https://www.parentshifts.com/
https://janetkrebs.com/
https://www.facebook.com/jkrebs3/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/janet-krebs

Did you love this episode? Discover more here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/thats-good-parenting/id1667186115

More about Dori Durbin:
Dori Durbin is a Christian wife, mom, author, illustrator, and a kids’ book coach who after experiencing a life-changing illness, quickly switched gears to follow her dream. She creates kids’ books to provide a fun and safe passageway for kids and parents to dig deeper and experience empowered lives. Dori also coaches non-fiction authors, professionals, and aspiring authors to “kid-size” their content into informational and engaging kids’ books! Find out more here:  https://doridurbin.com/

Buy Dori's Kids' Books:
https://www.amazon.com/stores/Dori-Durbin/author/B087BFC2KZ

Follow Dori:
http://instagram.com/dori_durbin
http://www.doridurbin.com
http://www.facebook.com/dori_durbin
Email: hello@d

Intro for TDP (version 2)

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction
• 2:25 Asking MORE Open Ended Questions
• 6:06 Admitting Your Imperfections
• 11:45 Meeting Them Where They Are
• 15:38 Small Gestures Make Big Changes
• 20:43 Creating Quality Time
• 26:48 Making Space For Connection
• 36:12 3-5 Things To Start NOW

Transcript

[00:00:00] Janet Krebs: Then just again, there's that moment. I'm feeling really disconnected from you right now, and I don't like it. I would like to feel more connected. Is there something that we can do to bridge this gap?

[00:00:14] Dori Durbin: Are you struggling with communicating with your team so much that one word answers have you feeling lost in translation? Maybe you have some questions, like how can I get my teen or tween to engage in more meaningful conversation? Or how can I get my team to open up about their life or even what simple things can I do to help us reconnect? Well, Janet Krebs is here to help. 

As a family facilitator, author, and 14 year space flight simulator, commander. Janet helps families adopt a leadership mindset to help parents and their kids increase confidence and self-reliance. Listen to her advice today on building better conversations and connections with your teens.

[00:01:00] Dori Durbin: One thing, Janet that you and I probably both agree on is that sometimes as parents, we come into conversations with our kids having this overconfident sense that, they understand us, we understand them, and sometimes I think that there's actually these misconceptions that we bring with us that really that communication is not that clear. 

So for you, what is the difference, first of all, between. Communication and connection, and then how are we going to get better at all?

[00:01:32] Janet Krebs:  It's funny because my entire message is anchored in three C's, two of which are connection and communication. What it means, interestingly, for me, communication is making sure that everyone is seen and heard, and oftentimes with our kids.

[00:01:56] Janet Krebs: It's not the active role of communicating, but being the listener. I truly believe our best job is to master subjective language. Asking open ended questions, inviting open ended responses, and that's where communication really has a very strong statement coming up, which is in my world that just say it like it is how was your day was never a question.

[00:02:34] Janet Krebs: I abolished it when they were school age. How was your day? Did you or did you have a good day? You know what you're going to get fine or good and then you're done. So what was the point? So effective communication for me is being very intentional about the language and the questions that you're asking and the information that you're [00:03:00] sharing and connection.

[00:03:02] Janet Krebs: Honestly, what I love about this question is. Connection can be anything and so I could give you my versions of connection, but you have very different versions of connecting with your kids because isn't that brilliant that everyone is unique and so I could share mine. You could share yours. There would probably be some crossover, but connecting is also making sure that your kids know that a they're seen and heard and be.

[00:03:35] Janet Krebs: That you've got their back at all costs, and when you've got that level of connection, honestly, even just a text, there was just high, or in my family, the word is more, which just means love you more. And so if I haven't spoken to my kid minor flown and groans. So if I haven't spoken to them in a couple of days, all I need to do if I just want to reach just like more.

[00:04:06] Janet Krebs: And I typically get a more back or I'll call you later or whatever, just it's, it doesn't have, it's not rocket science, which may have been too much information for you. But if I were to concisely answer it, connection is anything that works within your family where people feel like you've got their backs.

[00:04:29] Dori Durbin: I love those examples because I think that we feel like there has to be more to it. I think about Snapchat now that my kids are in college. I get Snapchats from one child and I get okay and fine and good from the other one and at first I was super offended because I was like, man, this is they don't have to put any effort into it.

[00:04:49] Dori Durbin: And there's not really any sentimentality to it, but in the same vein, they were responding and it was telling me they were okay. And they were letting me know that I had made a connection with them. So I had to back off of them a little bit, like it's actually okay, this works. Is that kind of how more came for you, too?

[00:05:08] Janet Krebs: Uh, you and I both shared that we were teachers. Once a teacher, always a teacher, right? We're just educators, and we will be. And most parents are. Like, as role models the, There's so many crossovers in that connection for us started really early when the kids were under my roof. And so now it's really just a continuation and I'm not going to say it's an expectation, but I truly believe the magic now is for me to wait.

[00:05:44] Janet Krebs: To be approached and connected with I don't have to beg for it, right? I don't have, or I'll just say, Hey, haven't spoken to you in a while, just hoping you're okay or whatever. But that hardly ever happens. They usually want to connect. So for a general audience, don't wait until they're gone to figure out how you're gonna connect.

[00:06:10] Janet Krebs: Build this when they're at home. And again, same rules apply. It could be something super simple. I used to when the kids were in school, I used to kiss their napkin after they made their lunches, but then they would go to bed and then I would kiss a napkin or put a note on it and sneak it into their lunches and.

[00:06:30] Janet Krebs: That's stupid, but it was free and I'm sure they rolled their eyes, but I also am sure that they appreciated it as well. So it just we just changed the older they get. 

[00:06:46] Dori Durbin: No, I think that's really important again, because of that intentionality that you're talking about. It's not something that happened by accident, it's by effort. Having that connection... like you said from the very, very early on, I actually didn't kiss napkins, but I stuck sticky notes in lunches. So I'm right there with you. 

[00:07:02] Janet Krebs: But see, there's a perfect example. My version was napkins. Yours was post it notes. Another listener might have a different response or, it just.

[00:07:13] Janet Krebs: Whatever works for you and whatever is well received. And if it falls flat, if my kid said, mom, if you do that one more time, like then I would have stopped and I would have chosen something. You know what I mean? It's like back to your point, there is no magic treasure chest of answers. We just make it up as we go and we become the engineers.

[00:07:35] Janet Krebs: We try something, it doesn't work. So we try something else or when it does work, we're like, Oh, that really landed and we do it again. 

[00:07:44] Dori Durbin: I love that. So we talked about this before we got on to, tell me a little bit because this is feeding right into what you just said. A little bit about leadership as parents. What is the importance of that? How do you see the connections for how we relate to our kids?

[00:08:02] Janet Krebs: Very simply, parenting is leadership, and it starts at home, right from the day that actually you bring that child home, whether it was adopted I don't care how they came into your world. You are the person that they look up to, which is really good quality leadership is there's always some, somebody to look up to.

[00:08:27] Janet Krebs: So we are leaders. Whether we think of ourselves as leaders are not people that know me, they know never to say, oh, I'm just a mom take that just out of the equation. You are a mom and own it. Wear your crown. Proudly a thing. If you're a dad where you're whatever, I don't even know what men wear.

[00:08:48] Janet Krebs: Do men wear crowns? We'll give a man a crown too, or a cloak or something beautiful. But we are the persons that they look up to. And if you look up [00:09:00] leadership, the funny thing is that the characteristics and the qualifications are absolutely the exact same. They have a vision they inspire others.

[00:09:10] Janet Krebs: They make the hard decisions. They have the hard communications. They inspire it. It's the same exact thing. And so one of my goals is to literally just remove that divide between leadership and home because we're all leaders. If you are responsible for another human being, you're a leader, period. Hard stop.

[00:09:35] Dori Durbin: Love that. Love that. Let's go back to the communication piece where you were talking about open ended questions, because I feel like we train the kids early on how to respond to us, right? And what is satisfactory in some level. If we're talking about leadership, we're talking about questions, we're talking about giving them open ended questions. How do we start to do that from early on? What do these [00:10:00] questions look like?

[00:10:00] Janet Krebs:  Okay, great question. So I actually, I delivered a homework workshop once. And I, you and I have got like my 20 years in the classroom was a brilliant learning laboratory or exactly this question. My favorites were to in response to student questions.

[00:10:26] Janet Krebs: And the beautiful thing about being a teacher and then coming home to kids was that the learning laboratory at home just either. Added credibility or said, yeah, that's an epic fail. We don't do that. So nobody knew in the 20 years that they were all my little mice in the experimentation of the laboratory.

[00:10:45] Janet Krebs: For me, here's a great example. Homework is always a big parent challenge, right? Getting homework done and how often have we heard that? I don't get this. So what does what is your response? As a parent, or really as a teacher, we dive right in the tendency is to dive right in and show them more or do it for them.

[00:11:16] Janet Krebs: And for me, my, the experiment was. What have you read that you don't understand? Ooh, because if they haven't read it and they just wanted you to do it now, they're totally busted. Or asked me a question that I can answer. So I would say, thank you. That's a declarative. You don't understand this. Asked me a question.

[00:11:45] Janet Krebs: I can answer. That is stinking brilliant, Dori. Because that a, I was always a huge advocate for effective communications. I made my kids do all the oratorical contests. They hated it, but you and I both know the value of being an effective communicator as an adult. And so that started really early words really matter.

[00:12:10] Janet Krebs: And so when I said that ask, that's a declarative, ask me a question that I can answer that got them thinking. And then I was able to either answer the question because they reformulated the question as actually a question. Or again, you're totally busted because you really just wanted me to do it for you that worked in the classroom and at home it taught them how to ask effective questions. And if you met them and heard them now, they are like, they could be presidents. They're such good orators. They're amazing communicators. And that started really young. It's important, especially today.

[00:12:55] Dori Durbin: That's interesting and I totally agree with you. I think it's so easy for parents to want to solve the problem, whether it's math, whether it's a relationship issue,, our desire is to fix it instead of to give them the skills to be able to resolve it, whether it's figuring out what the problem is to begin with, or just articulate what's going on.

[00:13:14] Janet Krebs: Yeah, my, my philosophy is when we jump, I've always been a less is best parent and the less is best teacher. And when we allow kids, when we don't rush right in to rescue, and when we give them the time, the freedom, a little space to figure things out on their own, they really do. I was known for saying, that's an excellent question.

[00:13:40] Janet Krebs: I'll be really curious to see how you figure that out. And then I would turn around and walk away, both in the classroom and at home. And it was infuriating. But guess what happened, Dori? They always figured it out, or they asked a better question. 

[00:13:57] Janet Krebs: When I say that out loud, I sound like a real pisser. But the kids that are in the classroom, they just, they always far exceeded my expectations. And there's, that's actually another great one when we give them, room to spread their wings and really grow. And explore and be all that they can be, they do I think sometimes we are the ones that tie the wings because we become impatient because we don't want to wait for them to figure it out, but we just want it done because our world's fast, blah, blah, blah.

[00:14:35] Janet Krebs: Slow down. Just let them do it. And they can, they will, they want to, and then they feel so accomplished. It's magical. 

[00:14:45] Dori Durbin: Janet, what if you're somebody who's listening right now? And thinking to themselves, okay, this is great for families who already communicate, but we haven't communicated very well, early on and now if you're my teen, my tween, my young adult is not communicating. What kind of advice would you give them to get going and open up those doors again to be able to have that communication back? 

[00:15:10] Janet Krebs: Another excellent question and admittedly that saddens me a little bit. Honestly I think I would say 1st and foremost. Just congratulations for knowing that there's a little bit of a disconnect and that you want things to be better because I think awareness is step 1 for most things.

[00:15:37] Janet Krebs: And if you have said that, then you are probably willing to put your ego on a shelf for a minute. And say, okay, this isn't necessarily about me. I'm part of a larger solution that I want to be a part of this larger solution now. So back to the actual tactic, the strategy remain human and admit that you're human.

[00:16:08] Janet Krebs: Wouldn't it be like, so my son's name is Ben. So I'll just use him and be like, Ben, I'm human. I don't feel like I've done a really good job this month or whatever it is. And I would really like to change that. What can we do together that would help fill in the blank, whatever the parent is trying to do.

[00:16:33] Janet Krebs: Communicate better, spend more time together, connect, laugh more, whatever, fill in the blank. And ask them because they have answers for you and the humility of letting them know that you are human and not afraid to be human in front of them is actually safe for them to also be human and not be perfect.

[00:16:59] Janet Krebs: And I think that's really important. 

[00:17:04] Dori Durbin: That's great. That's super advice. It's something that I think, like you said, if somebody realizes that. That's an issue in their relationship that if they're at that level, then they're probably also ready to just ask. And I think that's great advice. Thank you. 

[00:17:17] Janet Krebs: Janet. Yeah, and there's, I could probably say more things, it's ask better questions, always remain curious when I be interested, not interesting kinds of things just, they're growing and evolving. Have a vested interest in their world and if they give you backlash, because there is no connection.

[00:17:40] Janet Krebs: Then just again, there's that moment. I'm feeling really disconnected from you right now, and I don't like it. I would like to feel more connected. Is there something that we can do to bridge this gap? Whether we go take a walk or go see a movie or read a book, read the same book and talk about or just share a meal.

[00:18:01] Janet Krebs: I'm a huge dinner fan, Dori. Huge family dinner break bread whenever possible, break bread. So a meal just solves many things.

[00:18:14] Dori Durbin: I love that. It definitely puts you at ease and it just gives you just a different sense of being together. So I think that's great. Okay, I have to ask you, since you have kids who are a little bit older than mine, the texting, texting to communicate drives me crazy. And I know I've heard other parents who have had the same thing.

[00:18:34] Dori Durbin: I had to learn, Janet, not to use caps because I was yelling and I had you not to use punctuation the way I normally would with writing. But when it comes to communicating over texting or Social media of any kind. Do you have any advice to actually have real, like genuine communication?

[00:18:54] Janet Krebs: I reserve texting for: Hey, can you talk Right? Or I have something to tell you like as an entree to perhaps. A conversation now, like my my, what my daughter works from home, so we all know people that work from home. It's not difficult to be texting while you're in a meeting kind of a thing.

[00:19:23] Janet Krebs: So I will respect that, but she even it's so funny. You mentioned the caps. That's really that's like bad protocol, but I didn't know it either. I thought it was a way to emphasize what I was saying. My daughter, Elisa, she's stop yelling at me. And yet she for the listeners, she's wedding dress shopping.

[00:19:45] Janet Krebs: And so I got an all caps just yesterday. And she said, I found the dress in all caps. So I was like, wait, you're yelling at me now. I think texting there's this, there's a time and a place for texting when people are unavailable. But if we've texted back and forth, A number of times I will 1 of us actually will either just hit the call button, or just say, hey, can we talk later?

[00:20:14] Janet Krebs: Because it's a, it's more efficient and it's more personal. And sometimes I'll say, I just want to hear your voice, even if it's for 5 minutes. So I think there's a time and a place for texting when they're not available to talk 

[00:20:32] Dori Durbin: again. Good advice. I forget, especially as they're older and they're in between things and they're answering you because maybe they're worried if they don't right away, you're going to freak out or whatever the case might be.

[00:20:42] Dori Durbin: They're not. Answering in a way that feels conversational because it's not it's inconvenient for them at the moment. 

[00:20:50] Janet Krebs: And I'm sorry for interrupting. I was just going to say mine are my kids are 27 and 31. so they are employed and they have their own places to live your kids being in college.

[00:21:03] Janet Krebs: They are hardly ever alone. And so it might be embarrassing for them to call mom, right? And which, by the way, doesn't last forever. They'll call. They just need to get out of the dorm or whatever. And that to that point, I think I would rest on the. Any conversation is better than no conversation. I would never want to discourage the texting because again, anything is better than nothing for listeners that have school age kids. You want them to feel free to text. So I don't know that there's a general answer to that. My knee jerk reaction answer was in my experience. And I think it's important for everybody to just understand the dynamic of their family. But if that's all you get, be grateful that you're getting something rather than nothing.

[00:22:07] Janet Krebs: I just want to go on record as saying that

[00:22:10] Dori Durbin: now, I think you're right. And if we step back and think about what we might be doing at the time when they text us, and it might not be convenient. Taking that piece into consideration too even for tweens. If you're checking up on them and wanting an answer to make sure they're okay, it might not be a convenient time. So getting an okay is okay.

[00:22:29] Dori Durbin: So the listeners don't know enough about you, but what I do want to say is that I know that you used to be commander Krebs. Yes. And I'm very curious about this piece and about how it relates to leadership and parenting as well.

[00:22:45] Janet Krebs: It's funny because I just, I had lunch with my former boss yesterday.  We both long retired ourselves from education and shall we at least just acknowledge. That when you work in the space flight simulator, you're wearing a flight suit and there's something about the uniform that everybody knows that you're in control because it's not like a uniform that everybody is used to seeing.

[00:23:13] Janet Krebs: So that was always fun. I think so in a space flight simulator, which was where I worked. The goal was and we had a couple of different scenarios. Let's say your kids came with their class and they were going to the moon. The objective is to land on the moon. Kids in a simulation understand again, going back to leadership.

[00:23:41] Janet Krebs: What's the vision? What's the common goal that everyone's working towards? And so that was a beautiful example of that, and not in a shaming way, but it would be like, if there were 8 different jobs that kids had some were driving the spacecraft.

[00:23:58] Janet Krebs: Some were the doctors.  Some were the geologists. Everybody had a job. 2 people teamwork and again, another beautiful leadership, like working on a team as a team within a larger group towards a common goal. If some, if the kids were slacking, it was just like, just so you understand, if you don't do this job, it's going to affect.

[00:24:26] Janet Krebs: somebody else's job for us to get to the moon. And it was never in a shaming way. It was to inspire them to show up to the party. And they always did because nobody wanted to be the one team that caused them to fail the mission. And so there were just lots of ways, and that might have not been a great example of how to articulate that, but just like we are pack animals.

[00:24:56] Janet Krebs: And being a part of something bigger than us, part of a team, part of a common goal, a mission, if you will, which was what that was a brilliant, and it was primarily for 5th through 8th graders. What a brilliant time to introduce that concept, especially for the non athletes who didn't perform out on the field whatever it was, they got to shine and be a part of community.

[00:25:28] Janet Krebs: In the simulator. It was really just brilliant. So that was that's probably the best example. But again, less was best because the simulation had a curriculum as its foundation, but each child, each the way I was able to do it for so long, almost 15 years was because you get 30 different kids and it's a different mission every single time.

[00:25:55] Janet Krebs: And less was best, just let them do their thing and guide and facilitate rather than do this, do that, do this, do that, which is why it was a brilliant assignment for me as an educator, because I was no good as the teacher standing in front of this in front of a class, just regurgitating. curriculum.

[00:26:19] Janet Krebs: This was brilliant. This was kids shining and actually doing interesting work that they'd never done before. 

[00:26:27] Dori Durbin: It really does tie to what you're saying about parenting too, about having those roles, those expectations, seeing how things fit together as a whole. You just with the communication part of that too, if you're not clear about what you need to do or what your objectives are, you're not going to.

[00:26:41] Dori Durbin: And we've managed to get through it. 

[00:26:42] Janet Krebs: And somebody might be like most of us, Janet are not, commanders working in a simulation. And of course, what we do, trying the example that just came to mind was trying to get everybody out the door for church or worship or a dinner reservation or a party.

[00:26:58] Janet Krebs: It's the same thing. It's the common objective. Everybody has a role to get themselves ready. Teeth brushed dressed all of the litany of things that need to be done so that everybody is ready to load the car at the same time. So they are on time. It's the same thing. On a very small scale, which is a simple example of we're all leaders.

[00:27:23] Janet Krebs: There's no margin for error. If you're heading to the airport. The plane's going to leave if you're not on it. When everybody understands. What needs to be done and their role in that larger objective they're so happy to come to the party. That was a great lesson.

[00:27:43] Dori Durbin: That's a great example. I love that. Okay, I can't imagine this has ever happened to you, but I'm going to ask, was there ever a time where your communication really wasn't clear and it resulted in something maybe that was less than comfortable for your family?

[00:27:58] Janet Krebs: Now, why would you think that's never happened to me? 

{00:28:01} Dori Durbin: I'm sure it hasn't. 

[00:28:09] Janet Krebs: Here, the first thing that came to mind. So I am a, I am the nerd of all nerds. At 60, I wear the nerd crown. Totally. And have you ever had these moments where it makes perfect sense in your head, but what came out of your mouth just was a total miss?

[00:28:26] Janet Krebs: And somebody in a group text with all of, as adults. So this is not that long ago within the last two years, there was this big group text, and I don't remember what the circumstances were. My kids will be able to tell you. And my future son in law is a big, like it, it matters to him what socks he wears.

[00:28:44] Janet Krebs: And so we always buy him socks and he likes fun socks, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And something happened. And my response was think socks. But at the moment, it was like out of left field and everybody then started putting like question marks in the group text. It made perfect sense to me. It was just like, just think socks.

[00:29:07] Janet Krebs: To this day, we all have bracelets that say think socks. It's become a joke. It's actually become a joke. So I would say yes, it has happened. And isn't it great that when we remain connected, then it's just funny and now it has just become part of the fabric of what makes Krebs's laugh.

[00:29:32] Janet Krebs: I can't think of anything that might have gotten me in trouble, but if I asked my kids, I bet you there would be, I'm sure there would be one just thought of 1, Dori. Oh, go ahead. So this is for everybody.

[00:29:48] Janet Krebs: Don't ever be afraid to be the mom that carpools don't roll your eyes. Just say yes, because it's the best place to get information. Just let the kids get in the car and be quiet. [00:30:00] And they talk, you listen, it is Intel that is invaluable. That being said, I picked up one of my daughter's friends and she came out in a really short skirt and I looked at her and I said.

[00:30:16] Janet Krebs: It's a good thing I'm not your mother because I wouldn't let you go out of the house looking like that and my daughter was mortified and that little girl is a young woman today, almost 30 and remembers that. But you know what? I don't make any apologies about that because I said to her, you have more self respect than to have your coochie half hanging out.

[00:30:38] Janet Krebs: And what message are you sending at when you go to this party tonight? So that probably was 1 of my worst. But I just wanted her to know that it was not okay. It was bad. Like I'm not a prude, but it was inappropriate for a tween.

[00:30:56] Janet Krebs: So yeah. 

[00:30:58] Dori Durbin: Yeah. You were serving a purpose to protecting her really, honestly, in the grand scheme of things. 

[00:31:03] Janet Krebs: And I didn't even care that my daughter was mortified. It was like, you know what, just get over it. I felt compelled to say it and she can either, disregard or internalize. But yeah, 

[00:31:13] Dori Durbin: it's a good lesson for your daughter to mom's going to say something if I wear something that's not appropriate and she won't care who's around.
Right?

[00:31:20] Janet Krebs: 100%. Yes.

[00:31:22] Dori Durbin: That was very brave. And I'm glad that's probably something that stuck well enough in that woman's mind that she's probably going to share that with her daughter 

[00:31:29] Janet Krebs: too. But again, and leaders say the things that are hard to say. I, just, I felt compelled to say it, but again, it's just a, another leadership example for sure.

[00:31:43] Dori Durbin: For sure. I think that's good. Okay. So we're going to pretend for a second that I'm a parent who's listening and I really want to start having these. Communication and connections that are more valuable, more genuine, deeper, what are 3 to 5 things that I could start doing as soon as we're done talking here today that could make a really big difference for me?

[00:32:05] Janet Krebs: So let's just acknowledge, congratulations, you've made it to teens, and you are in for a very interesting ride, and it's not always going to be fun. And you're going to get some pushback, so be willing to be flexible, and try different things.

[00:32:22] Janet Krebs: For the teens of today, be very cognizant of their world, ? So if they don't read, then don't suggest that they, that you guys read the same book, if they love poetry, then maybe you could find a poem and just say, I love this poem. I just leave it on the bed with a note, found this poem, thought you might enjoy it.

[00:32:47] Janet Krebs: Kind of a thing. Podcasts. Hey, I know you're into gaming. I found this podcast on gaming. I thought it would be of interest to you. So you really need to know your kids. I actually do some work with DISC, D I S C.

[00:33:06] Janet Krebs: It's an assessment that Corporate America uses. But the version that I use has been designed and trademarked just for families. And I think that's actually a great place to start. If you really are struggling, then reach out. There's 4 of us in a collaborative group that are using this that's trademarked reach out and have your disk done.

[00:33:32] Janet Krebs: If you have a partner. There's and then the child, because if you have a child that you don't understand, then it doesn't matter what you try. You're going to be throwing spaghetti on the wall, right?

[00:33:47] Janet Krebs: Or even like love languages. This is not only for partnership relationships, know the language of your kid, because if they love gifts. Then it doesn't have to be expensive. Go to the dollar store, just something silly and stupid and leave it on the bathroom, whatever, just silly, stupid things.

[00:34:08] Janet Krebs: But I would say you got to know your kids 1st disk or love languages or whatever, or just great detective work is a good example. If they love holing up in their room. Then respect to that, but you're allowed to say, I need you to come down for 20 minutes and indulge me in fill in the blank. You're allowed to have some expectations.

[00:34:36] Janet Krebs: I remember when my kids first went to college, I bought a tablet. So that I could FaceTime them because they all had Apple phones and I didn't. So meet them where they are to connect.

[00:34:51] Janet Krebs: And that's going to be different from everybody, but we've got podcasts. What's the activity? Do they love sports? Can you go to a sporting event [00:35:00] with them or buy them a ticket? Say, hey, I bought you two tickets. You and your friend can go. I'd love to join you, but I know you'd have more fun with them.

[00:35:09] Janet Krebs: That goes a long way, I loved the something for nothing or it caught you being good Hey, I noticed that you worked really hard last week, even if it was just a Hershey's kiss here I know you don't want me to kiss you because it's uncool.

[00:35:26] Janet Krebs: So here's a, here's the chocolate version, put a couple in your backpack and enjoy a couple of kisses from your mom, stupid stuff, Dori. 

[00:35:36] Dori Durbin: Heartfelt, heartfelt stuff.

[00:35:37] Janet Krebs: Intentional, but it doesn't even have to cost any money, and you don't need to have a PhD to figure this out. You just need to sit and go, I really want to do this, how can I do this?

[00:35:50] Dori Durbin: Those. Those are great examples, honestly. And like you said, I don't think that they would feel like too much to kids either, where they'd feel overwhelmed or like you were. Really trying to push them into a connection that they didn't want. It's more natural. 

[00:36:04] Janet Krebs: When you push really hard, you're going to push away, let them come to you. We had a couple of conversation when the kids were growing up, I would put the tea kettle on and remember like my tea kettle.

[00:36:15] Janet Krebs: They whistled, that's how old I am. Anyway I would put the kettle on and like about eight o'clock, right? So they're just like close to bedtime, but not really. But they've been upstairs to hold up in their rooms doing homework for a while. And I would just holler up the stairs and go, anybody that needs a cup of conversation, it's on in three.

[00:36:33] Janet Krebs: And we would just have like decaf tea, maybe a cookie and just 20 minutes. Just break from homework, come down, connect, sometimes they would share what they were working on, sometimes they would share a funny story, 15 20 minutes, back up to finish homework, just a little brain break and a connection time.
It doesn't have to be elaborate or complicated. 

[00:36:56] Dori Durbin: That's perfect. Okay, so Janet, I know there's people that are going to want [00:37:00] to reach out to you and get more help or. Even ask for more ideas. Is there a spot they should go to find you that's the easiest to connect?

[00:37:08] Janet Krebs: If they go to parent shifts with an S, because there's always more than one shift that we can make. So www.parentshifts.com there's a really fun little freebie that they can download, like becoming a rockstar parent, and it's free and easy. And of course, there will be a spot for them to reach out.  And then when I get that, then I will have their contact information. Anybody can find me on social media, Facebook, LinkedIn. I'm just by name. JanetKrebs.com or on Facebook or LinkedIn and just reach out. I'm always available. That's great.

[00:37:45] Dori Durbin: Janet, I appreciate all of your wisdom and your stories and for being so honest with us and just thank you for your time 

[00:37:52] Janet Krebs: today. Oh my gosh, the pleasure is absolutely and always mine. Thank you, Dori. Thank you.