[00:00:00] Anna Scoby: We were not told how to talk. We were not developed the skill for talking. We were not told how to use the gestures. We were not told how to make an eye contact. We were not told how to use the body language. So we don't know how to talk. And now you're telling us we have to pass a college interview to get into the college of our dreams.
[00:00:21] Dori Durbin: Okay, Anna, I know that you're a communications coach. And what really fascinates me is that you're a communication coach for kids why did you feel called to help kids with their public speaking in general?
[00:00:35] Anna Scoby: A lot of people think public speaking is a stage, lights, camera, presentation, crowds. But, public speaking is When teacher calls on you and you stand up and you speak. Public speaking is college interview. Public speaking is [00:01:00] job interview. Public speaking is every time you're not talking to yourself, it's a public speaking.
[00:01:09] Anna Scoby: Public speaking is job interview. Making friends. Public speaking is networking. Public speaking is walking into the classroom and not knowing anyone. And having to say hello. That's public speaking. I got into it when I have to learn how to public speaking. I'm an introvert myself. I know it doesn't look like it, it doesn't sound like it, but I'm an introvert who learned how to have a switch when I have to talk to people, and I have to coexist with extroverts around me, and I have to learn how to be in the world, and I have to teach my kids how to be that.
[00:01:53] Anna Scoby: So with that, I figured out, That kids need help learning how to do [00:02:00] that because kids develop fear of public speaking. They're not bored with it. Just look at the playground, right? From the early age, you have this desire. You just run on the playground and you meet everybody and you play around.
[00:02:15] Anna Scoby: But as they grow more and more, you have the kids who like, no, I don't want to go play. I don't want this child, right? I developed this because they have this negative encounters. They have this negative experience. Unfortunately, our educational system is not designed to teach the kids public speaking.
[00:02:39] Anna Scoby: It's not designed to encourage and giving the tools them to learn how to promise. So because of my own experience, because of my own kids, That's how the Project BU was born. That's how my classes was born. I write my own curriculums. I write my own classes. I [00:03:00] develop my own tools because of my own kids, my own experience.
[00:03:03] Anna Scoby: And that's how I got into this. Because our kids need help. We can do better as an adult to teach them the skill that is needed because public speaking is everyday speaking. It's ordering coffee at Starbucks. It's meeting the boss. It's talking to coworkers. Public speaking.
[00:03:24] Dori Durbin: That's, I've never heard it explained that way, but you're so right. And I'm envisioning the kids on the playground, like you said, just freely talking to each other. What happens? Where is that sticking point that everything starts to change?
[00:03:38] Anna Scoby: Classrooms. Because every time they talk to each other and they do something wrong, the classroom is overcrowded. The teachers are overworked.
[00:03:47] Anna Scoby: And every time the teacher says, stop it, don't do it. The kids is like, Oh, I can't speak. Oh, I don't do it. That's when they start being afraid. [00:04:00] And then as they progress into the middle school, into the high school, then the teacher is oh, now stand up and talk. But they were like, but before we get to talk, before we were punished for talking.
[00:04:15] Anna Scoby: So then they were like, we don't know how to talk. We were not told how to talk for the whole time. We were told, write a paper, turn in the paper, write a paper, turn in the paper. All right. We were not told how to talk. We were not developed the skill for talking. We were not told how to use the gestures.
[00:04:35] Anna Scoby: We were not told how to make an eye contact. We were not told how to use the body language. So we don't know how to talk. And now you're telling us we have to pass a college interview to get into the college of our dreams. We were not told the skill to do this. That's where I come in, and that's where I teach the kids.
[00:04:55] Anna Scoby: Parents, unfortunately, have to find me [00:05:00] to teach their kids to pass the college interviews. I am like a, I like to use this analogy, I'm like a kicker in a football game. Who comes last minute and scores that winning touchdown goal or whatever that score, I don't even know the proper terminology, but I'm that kicker who comes in and scores that winning touchdown.
[00:05:23] Anna Scoby: So this is what I do. I am, I come in last minute and I say, Hey, this is how we do this. This is the words you use. This is how we use our body language.
[00:05:34] Anna Scoby: This is how we make eye contact. This is the stories that we tell. This is how we tell the world how amazing you are. This is how we show the world. This is how we present you.
[00:05:48] Anna Scoby: So this is what I do, and this is what public speaking is to the kids.
[00:05:52] Anna Scoby: Do you feel like there's one skill over any others when they're interviewing or they're up front [00:06:00] doing the actual assignments?
[00:05:59] Dori Durbin: Is there a skill that Really is tough for them to be able to do. So if it's the gestures, if it's remembering the words they're going to say, if it's just standing up front in front of people, is there one particular one that pops out for you?
[00:06:16] Anna Scoby: It's them feeling that they can do it. It's that communication that not communication, that confidence that they feel that they can, they really can do gestures. They really can do eye contact. They really can do the body language, but it's that feel inside that confidence. And what I really do, honestly, for maybe if I have just an hour with them for probably 30 minutes.
[00:06:45] Anna Scoby: I'm just telling them that they can not in that particular sentence, but I have my secrets, but for the first half of the time I am convincing them that they're [00:07:00] enough and I'm convincing them that they're worth it and I'm convincing them that they got this and once they feel it, they're unstoppable. My job is done.
[00:07:13] Anna Scoby: That's pretty much what I do. I make them believe I make them feel that they're enough because unfortunately, often we make them feel like they didn't deserve it and they not enough. And once I can get through that and I can make them feel like they're enough. And they are worth it and they're, and they start feeling it.
[00:07:36] Anna Scoby: Like I, I did all this, like we just go through their resume and I'm like, Oh my God, you did all this. And they were like, Oh yeah, I did this. And I did this. And I was like, I'm 45 year old that I did not do all of this.
[00:07:51] Anna Scoby: And it was like, yeah, and I did this too. And they believe it and they start feeling it. Once they start feeling it, we got it. [00:08:00] They can do body language. They can do gestures. They can do eye contact. Once they feel it, they can do it.
[00:08:06] Dori Durbin: You're bringing them that confidence and experiences that they've already had and reminding them of those experiences to bring that confidence to the forefront.
[00:08:14] Anna Scoby: Yeah. And with all of that comes the gestures, the eye contact, the body language, because the body language speaks. I can teach them all of this, but if they don't feel it, the body language is not going to be there. So once they feel it, they got it.
[00:08:33] Dori Durbin: I remember being younger and trying to memorize speeches, just straight speeches. And my mom would grill me back and forth, give me the next word, give me the next word kind of thing. And I remember working on some speeches and going to the front of the room just, for class and not being able to pull them up because I was out of this routine with my mom.
[00:08:56] Dori Durbin: It was like I had learned it. In this environment and in this situation, [00:09:00] but I couldn't translate that into the classroom at first. How do you get through some of that kind of stuff?
[00:09:06] Anna Scoby: I am against memorization. I don't have my students don't memorize speeches. We do it differently. We go through flow.
[00:09:18] Anna Scoby: So what we do with my students is we go bullet points. So first they write the speech and they have it on their paper. Then I have them write it in bullet points, point by point. So they have their main points for each paragraph to help them flow. And from that point they practice Through bullet points.
[00:09:52] Anna Scoby: So in between those bullet points, they flowing in their own words. So there's no memorization for that [00:10:00] reason, what you just described, because if you memorize word by word, you forget the words. And when you forget one word, you can go to the next one. So when you do bullet points, you can make things up in between those bullet points.
[00:10:20] Anna Scoby: So all you have to remember just the next bullet point and for that you have note cards. So they have note cards. So they flow with those note cards and then eventually they can let go of note cards. And they're just flowing in their own words and that way the speech becomes alive because they're telling stories in between those bullet points.
[00:10:44] Anna Scoby: And that's when the improvisation comes in. That's when the body language comes in. And that's when the story comes in. And that's when the presentation and speeches become free. And the students become free. And they're not [00:11:00] frozen because they're like, Oh my God, what comes next? I'm gonna forget the word. And they become expressive. And the body language becomes alive. That's how we do our speeches.
[00:11:13] Dori Durbin: That's awesome. It feels so much more like your own ideas, your own concepts that you can bring in, and still hit those points.
[00:11:21] Anna Scoby: Thanks. And it becomes different every time, so it doesn't become robotic, so it doesn't become like, oh, it's the same thing every time.
[00:11:30] Anna Scoby: But of course, there's always a human factor, and it's funny because sometimes parents insist on, no, we're going to memorize the speeches. So I always have students whose parents insist on, no, we're going to memorize the speeches. So you can always have You know, I always have some parents who make their students memorize the speeches.
[00:11:54] Anna Scoby: So there's always a mix and there's always this parent who says, No, we're going to do it this [00:12:00] way. And of course, we always do different things. And we just, we're just flexible. We do things differently. Okay. Yeah. Because there's always that parents who knows better. Okay. We'll just go that way.
[00:12:12] Anna Scoby: Sure. And sometimes it works because every student is different. And sometimes it's. Parents see something that I don't because they know their students better. So to some students, it's memorization perhaps is a better way to go. So yeah we just play around with it.
[00:12:31] Anna Scoby: So it's different, sometimes it's okay, let's try it. Let's try it this way.
[00:12:36] Dori Durbin: It's more customized to what the students need.
[00:12:39] Anna Scoby: Yeah, it's a customized approach to every speech and sometimes the same student will go one way or will go another way just to see what's their preference. So it's it's, that's the beauty of public speaking and the beauty of different speeches.
[00:12:55] Anna Scoby: Like you play around with it and see what happens.
[00:12:59] Dori Durbin: [00:13:00] Okay, here's another scenario for you. Let's say you have somebody who has their speech down. They know what they're going to say, but they suffer so much anxiety coming up to the event. I've seen people who not only sweat, but they almost hyperventilate because there's so much energy and it all goes to nervousness and not to delivery. So how do you switch that out for them or help them to overcome that?
[00:13:25] Anna Scoby: You know what? Anxiety is real. It's real. My daughter has anxiety and it's mind blowing and it seemed as with time, like with comparing to a few years ago, it seemed like it got, it's got heavier and it got real and I am like, I don't want to say allowing, but I am there with my students and I have, I've been there when my students said, I can't do it and walked away and I am there with my students where they are.[00:14:00]
[00:14:00] Anna Scoby: I want to use the word allowed when they know that they're allowed to say, I'm going to walk away and because they know that they have that option, it frees them from it. So they all know that, hey, at any given point. If you need to walk, you can. And I've had to have talks with the parents to say, Hey, if your student needs to walk, they should be allowed to walk.
[00:14:29] Anna Scoby: And as, as please trust me as a coach. If they need to walk, I know these competitions are expensive, but if they need to walk, their mental health is more, more important. They need to walk. They need to walk. But before that moment, we're hoping that we don't get to that moment, but this is what we do. We do a lot of the competitions and we always do the first competition.
[00:14:55] Anna Scoby: And at that first competition, almost everybody wants to walk. [00:15:00] And you have to have that first competition when you do want to walk. And we usually plan that first competition when it's not almost like important competition. So if we do walk, it's okay to walk. We usually have that competition online competition.
[00:15:16] Anna Scoby: So they are at home at their comfort. So if they need to turn off the camera and like breathe and freak out at home, they can't so they're comfortable environment. If they need to have the water, the comfortable animals, so the stuffed animal or whatever it is that gives them comfort. So we, as, educators as parents, we want to make sure that we give them that support.
[00:15:45] Anna Scoby: So whatever we can in the comfortable environment, giving them so that the environment is important. So we can prepare for the competition. So what we've done and something that my student just recently mentioned, [00:16:00] We've done this thing when they write on a piece of paper all the things that worry them.
[00:16:05] Anna Scoby: I give them time, and some of them take longer, some of them take less time, and they write. And then, here's their favorite part. We set it on fire. So they all use their some use matches, some use candle. We've done it once when my fire alarm did not like it. So it caused all kinds of commotion when the fire alarm set off the sound that we had to figure out how to stop the fire alarm.
[00:16:40] Anna Scoby: And one day, one time we did it was the fire pit because. By from the, I don't know from which culture it is, the fire supposed to create some kind of a comforting energy. What we did with them pretty much, I've asked, what are some [00:17:00] comforting technology comforting techniques that you had practiced in the past?
[00:17:04] Anna Scoby: And because we've been doing it with them, some of my students, we started with them when they were five. So we've tried many different, I don't know, I'm losing my words, different comforting techniques with them. We went from writing to drawing to walking to screaming. We did like a screaming thing when they went to the garage and they all screamed their fears out.
[00:17:30] Anna Scoby: It's having that conversation and understanding what can we do to comfort ourself? What are some fears that we are facing? What can we do before competition? What can we do the morning of? What can we do the minute before? We tried power poses. The power poses from Amikati from the mindset of growth mindset when you do like a [00:18:00] Wonder Woman and you stand and we did one speech competition.
[00:18:04] Anna Scoby: We did it every day for 30 seconds prior to the speech competition and we studied to see if that increased. Our confidence if that helped us, so there's many techniques, and the key here is really have that conversation with your child and to see what can I do? And the key is not to have it when the child is freaking out, but to have it a month before, two months before, three months before and say, Hey, this is this event we're going to have.
[00:18:42] Anna Scoby: It's a stressful event. It's an event that's going to maybe potentially cause some of the anxiety. What do you think we can do together to prepare? What do you think we can do to comfort each other? What can I do to help you? And then you make a [00:19:00] list of activities. What can we do a month before? What can we do a week before?
[00:19:04] Anna Scoby: And they may not know ahead of time. They may know it after you lift through first competition. So what we usually do once we do the first competition, we do a reflection. So we do a reflection and we go for, okay, what did we do very well? And what can we do better next time? And we do it equally on each side.
[00:19:26] Anna Scoby: So 10 items on one side and 10 items on another side, because often we go for, what went very bad and we forget on all the things that went well. So we get in the habit of, Fully reflecting on both sides, and from there, we can also do another list of okay. What can we do to support each other? Or what can we do to help ourselves?
[00:19:53] Anna Scoby: And that's where that coping mechanisms come in. Okay. We want to burn more paper. Or we want to have more [00:20:00] walks. Or some of them wrote, I need more practice. That was their own reflection. Who said, somebody said, I need to memorize it. I want to memorize it. And somebody said, I need no part. Somebody said, I needed to have breakfast.
[00:20:15] Anna Scoby: I didn't eat. I was hungry. And that affected me. So that's when they start reflecting back by themselves and saying, Hey, I know what I need, and so those are, I don't know if that answered too extensively, or maybe you have follow up questions.
[00:20:33] Dori Durbin: I was actually going to ask what parents can help their kids do, and you did that all by yourself, so that's awesome. I think that's really good though, because I think that's something that And I don't know if it's our culture and how schools have done this, but it feels like there are these rules that you have to do when you speak in front of people. Like you you have to have these things down pat before you can even get in front of people.
[00:20:58] Dori Durbin: And I love the fact [00:21:00] that you're, Basically performing a science experiment before, during, and after each one of those because you have variables, right? And you just don't know, how different things are going to affect them. Like you said, breakfast is huge. If they are starving and they're up there and their stomach's growling and they're thinking about that the whole time, the words aren't going to come quite as easily. So it makes sense.
[00:21:22] Anna Scoby: And I'm letting them have that say I'm letting them decide because often as a parents, we're jumping in and we are telling them, Hey, this is what needs to happen. But in reality, that's not what they need often quite frankly, and I got in the habit of asking them to do those reflections and then sharing it with the parents.
[00:21:47] Anna Scoby: And getting their parents to say, Hey, ask your kids. And what happens ironically, a lot of times parents would come to me and say, Hey, what can I do? What [00:22:00] can I do? What can I do? And my first question is, did you ask your child? And they look at me like I'm crazy. And I'm like, but wait, if you're trying to help the child, why not ask the child what the child needs?
[00:22:17] Anna Scoby: But I think culturally, we assume that we're supposed to know what to do with the child. Somehow we have this, Expectation from the society that if we have a child as a parent, we're supposed to know what to do with the child, right? Somehow we have this pressure put on us by the society or by whoever.
[00:22:42] Anna Scoby: I don't know that we're supposed to know what to do with the child, and I'm not talking about the toddler, right? The toddler obviously may not be able to articulate what they need. I'm talking more of maybe even elementary, middle school, high schoolers, when the when [00:23:00] the child is quite capable with the series of questions to really have a conversation.
[00:23:05] Anna Scoby: And, that's where I came in with the communication coach. I'm not a parenting coach by no means, but With the communication, if you want to help someone, or if you want to be of assistance to someone, or if you want to solve something, the first thing would be to come to that person and say, What can I do?
[00:23:28] Anna Scoby: What can I do to help you? And for some reason, as a parent, and as a parent myself too, often, and I have to, I was fortunate enough where both of my kids were like, listen, mother, this isn't working. You have to ask us what we need for some reason. And they were the reason why I started searching how to be a better parent.
[00:23:50] Anna Scoby: I have to give them the credit. I have to give a credit to both of my children because they were the one who were like, Mother, we know you love us, but you're doing this wrong. Those are [00:24:00] the words of my child. Both of my children who said, hey, my oldest one said, I need you to be a better parent.
[00:24:06] Anna Scoby: My youngest one said, Mother, I know you love me, but you're doing this wrong. And that's how I started my quest of being a better parent. And this is the best advice I can give to the parents is ask the children. Really, if you're trying to be a better communicator, if you're trying to be a better parent, if you're trying to get along with your children, just ask, what can I do better?
[00:24:29] Anna Scoby: What can I do to help? What can I do to be there for you? And when I start asking my students, when I start asking my Different group children that I work with when I start asking, Hey, what can your parents do better? What can educators do better? And most of them had said, have stopped talking at us and start in conversation with us.
[00:24:57] Anna Scoby: Please understand us. Please [00:25:00] ask us questions. Please be with us. And not just telling us what to do. So I think that would be the biggest thing that I want to say is to ask questions. What can I do to help you? What can I do to be there with you right now? Do you need this hug? Don't just grab them and hug them, ask them if they want the hug.
[00:25:25] Anna Scoby: Don't just tell them they need to eat, ask them if they're hungry. Things like that. And of course there are events when you have to tell them what to do. There is no questions about it, but when possible, ask.
[00:25:41] Dori Durbin: I think what you're describing too gives the kids so much more autonomy because they're actually Deciding, they're making these decisions that are, they seem small. And then really what you're saying is that translates even into their speaking, their confidence, being in front of people, giving [00:26:00] people their opinions.
[00:26:01] Anna Scoby: It empowers them and it tells them that I trust you with your opinion, because how the kids learn about the world is with us.
[00:26:16] Anna Scoby: So if we tell them that we trust them, they're going to trust the world. That's the paradox, because if they don't think we trust them, they don't, they're not going to think that the world trusts them and they're not going to trust the world. That's the crazy part of it because they learn about the world and that confidence, that self confidence comes with us.
[00:26:45] Anna Scoby: That's why it's so important.
[00:26:48] Dori Durbin: That's why it's so hard, too, because you don't want to be a bad parent.
[00:26:52] Anna Scoby: Yeah, that's where that balance, it's so like, how do I make them good people, but at the same time [00:27:00] Oh, yeah, that's why parenting But you know what? The kids For the most part, they know that parenting is hard.
[00:27:08] Anna Scoby: They really do give us credit. From all the kids, all my students that have asked, they do give us credit. They may not say it to us. But a lot of them had said, we know you guys are working hard. We know parenting is hard. We know we are hard kids, like we know we're complicated. We know it's so much work to be a parent.
[00:27:32] Anna Scoby: So trust, for all the parents who are listening to this, the kids actually do know the parenting is hard. They may not say it, but they do know. So if that means anything hopefully it's worth.
[00:27:46] Dori Durbin: I think that's great. And you have this great pool of kids that you can ask questions like this from. You say that you you asked them what you wish that parents knew from their perspective. Were there any other insights like that they gave you?
[00:28:01] Anna Scoby: I have plenty. I have papers. So this conversation, this can go for hours. There's plenty. They do wish we trust them. They do help. We can trust them.
[00:28:16] Anna Scoby: Another big thing was encouragement sometimes to them sounds like we don't think they're enough. So be very careful of how we encourage them. And if you are encouraging them, don't compare them to others. more sometimes, you can do better next time to them. Sounds like you suck.
[00:28:41] Anna Scoby: So sometimes again, ask, how would you like for me to empower you? Ask them how they would like to hear it, because they will definitely tell you, because most of them hate encouragement. That was another discovery for me, [00:29:00] really. About 80 percent of them said, I hate when my parents try to encourage me.
[00:29:05] Anna Scoby: I would rather them say, ask me how they can help, because I would rather them to say, Can I make your sandwich, because I know you are tired right now. So I would say back to ask them, what can you do to help versus you can do it because they hate that word apparently. Just saying.
[00:29:27] Dori Durbin: I didn't know about all this comparison, but yeah, even comparison to themselves.
[00:29:32] Anna Scoby: Yeah, that's another thing. They don't like us telling them stories about us being little. Apparently they don't like us comparing them to us being their age because apparently we are dinosaurs to them. To some, again. Ask if they like hearing stories because there's a time and a place and sometimes we are off with our timing telling stories because sometimes they just tired and frustrated and here we come with our stories, it's about the [00:30:00] communication because at some point my daughter can say, you know what, mother, I don't want to hear your story right now, but sometimes she would come and say, Hey, I don't want to I want to hear your story.
[00:30:10] Anna Scoby: What did you do when you were like my age? So it's again, timing sometimes, but kids may not feel comfortable sometimes to say, Hey, I don't want to hear your story right now because they, they worry about you getting offended. Another big thing is when they're in their room alone, they like being in their room alone.
[00:30:28] Anna Scoby: It doesn't mean that something is wrong. So don't try to barge into the room and try to like, feel them and tell them that things are gonna be okay, because they just wanna be left alone in the silence because they just tired. So don't try to tell them things are gonna be okay, because there's nothing wrong to begin with.
[00:30:45] Dori Durbin: So true. Anna, any last suggestions for parents as far as communicating or just helping their kids to talk to them more freely? You've already given so many great ones. I just want to make sure we catch them all.
[00:30:59] Anna Scoby: I just want to [00:31:00] tell the parents because I keep telling them all the things they keep doing wrong.
[00:31:03] Anna Scoby: I'm just going to tell the parents they're doing great. I know they are doing the best they can because these parents have their parents who have done their best. So we are all doing All we can to the best of our abilities. So keep going. We all learning. We all trying our best. Just start at this point from where you are to with what you have.
[00:31:32] Anna Scoby: Just keep going. Just keep going. Keep asking questions and we're all going to be okay. I'm pretty sure.
[00:31:41] Dori Durbin: Yes. Yes. I also want to say the reason this podcast is called that's good parenting. Because we want moments where we can step back and say, Hey, that was good. Because most of the time we're not so sure.
[00:31:53] Anna Scoby: Yes. We're all learning. We're all learning. It's ongoing. And even if we did [00:32:00] do something not so good in the past, it's all going to be okay. Because life continues, we're all learning. That's why we're listening to the podcasts, right? That's why we're trying to find people around us who are learning also.
[00:32:15] Anna Scoby: So we're all going to be okay. We just keep going. Keep asking those questions and keep asking yourself questions. Keep having those conversations and we're just, we're all going to be okay regardless of what had happened in the past. We just keep going forward and, what can you do? It just keep going, it's going to be okay, I promise, it's all going to be okay, just keep on going, one step at a time, one foot in front of another, keep communicating, that's all there is, as long as you're communicating, good or bad, as long as you're communicating, and that's all you are hoping to do, and you're all moving forward, keep asking questions, keep listening to each other you can't go wrong.
[00:32:56] Anna Scoby: Just keep communicating, keep going, and you're doing great. [00:33:00]
[00:33:01] Dori Durbin: It's great advice. Anna, if they want to get a hold of you and find out more about you or your services, where's the best place for them to go?
[00:33:08] Anna Scoby: ProjectVU. com on online or ProjectVUbyAnna on Instagram. And then you have all the links, I'm sure it will all go to whatever.
[00:33:22] Anna Scoby: Thanks. It's going. Yes.
[00:33:25] Dori Durbin: that's perfect. Thank you so much for all the information today. It was wonderful. And I really do hope that if parents are struggling with this, that they reach out to you and get more advice and just, work with you.
[00:33:38] Anna Scoby: It was so much fun. I enjoyed it. And we are all going to be okay.
[00:33:43] Anna Scoby: I promise we're all enough. We really are doing the best we can.
[00:33:48] Anna Scoby: Awesome. Thank you. Thank you for having me.